X Madness
by Kyou-chan2
Summary: CRACK, OOC. A new evil threatens to destroy Tokyo andwait...Kakyou in boxers? Nataku in therapy? A magic taco? It could only be X Madness! reposted
1. Prologue and Yams and Boxers

Disclaimer: No, I do not own X, but if I did, I'd probably keep Kakyou tied to a chair in the attic (evil smirk) Oh, the terrible things I would do…

Aww, memories. My first X fic, reposted for your reading pleasure...

**

* * *

X Madness**

**Prologue**

The melody of the ocean waves rushing to and fro wafted into his ears as he stared into the distance forlornly. It was a peaceful scene as the gulls sung in the distance and the sun attempted to warm his deathly pale complexion.

But Kakyou couldn't hear the gulls and the waves nor could he feel the touch of the sun. He found no peace in his solitude, not even along his favorite dreamscape. He walked along the stretching coastline, his eyes locked on the azure waves, begging them to dissolve him with their touch. He was alone longing for her every moment of his tormented existence, yet knew that yearning would be relieved only when his last wish was granted. So he could only wait a little longer each day, just gazing into the blue abyss before him.

"Hokuto…" he whispered wistfully. Before he could take another step, a large hand clapped itself over the Dreamseer's eyes, while the other held uncomfortably fast to his neck.

"Ah, poor Dreamseer…do you want to perish in the world's end? I can grant that more quickly than you can imagine…" whispered a harsh voice.

Kakyou gasped for air as the hand on his neck tightened. Who was this new intruder? It could not possibly be the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth, could it?

"Ha! You dare compare me to that fool?" bellowed the voice in response to the Dreamseer's thoughts. "While he plays his childish games, I will achieve the ultimate destruction of the world! I will start here with his pet Dreamseer!" With those words, a sharp pain struck into Kakyou's forearm, and he collapsed onto the ground writhing in pain.

"What is...this feeling?" cried Kakyou.

The mysterious being only laughed, holding up the empty dart triumphantly. "You are now mine! Hear my name and tremble! I am Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo!"

The Dreamseer blinked. "Martin?"

"Silence!" cried Martin. "And feel my wrath!" With a final scream Kakyou disappeared and his dreamscape faded into darkness, leaving (chuckle) Martin to laugh evilly. However, something was terribly wrong when he looked at a note attached to his pouch of poison darts.

It read:

_Sorry Uncle Mar—err, Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo. They ran out of poison darts at Wal-Mart and all they had were these Happy Darts. _

_Your_ _Nephew,_

_-Jerry_

Happy Darts? Martin stared blankly. "Oh shit…"

Meanwhile, at the Dragons of Earth base, a certain Dreamseer opened his eyes for the first time in years.

And thus the story took a dramatic turn towards humor…

* * *

**Ch.1 Yams and Boxers**

_Location: Inside the Dragons of Earth Base…_

"Daddy! I finished your candied yams!" exclaimed Nataku as it entered the throne room-area-place-thing.

"Not now, Nataku! I am reveling in awesome, apocalyptic evil, and cannot be disturbed!" growled Fuuma, aka, 'Kamui'.

"But Daddy! I made them myself! And you promised to call me Kazuki!" pouted Nataku.

Fuuma waved his hand indifferently. "Yes, yes that's great Nataku. Now just put the tray over there on the table and scram…"

"Ka…zu…ki!" whined Nataku as it placed the yams on a nearby desk. "You never listen to me unless I've done something evil…!"

Fuuma perked his head up excitedly. "Evil? Did you do something evil, Nataku?"

Nataku's eyes darted back and forth trying to think of something on the spot. "I, uh…left the oven on when I finished the yams…?"

"Oh…" dismissed Fuuma with a disappointed sigh.

"Daddy, why don't you ever listen to me?" cried Nataku.

Fuuma shrugged. "Why don't you find someone who will?"

Nataku blinked thoughtfully before leaving the chamber. "Someone who will…"

Fuuma exhaled sharply in relief. "Finally, I thought the brat would never leave…" He walked nonchalantly over to the table and snatched one of the yams. "Hmm…these are good…wait, what was I doing?"

"You were acting 'evil', remember?" chimed in Yuuto at the door.

"Oh, right, right…" muttered Fuuma. "Wait, what the hell are you in here all of the sudden?"

Yuuto smirked, and folded his arms calmly. "Well, who can resist the smell of fresh yams?" (BTW, this chapter was brought to you by the Yam Farmers of America)

"Well that will have to wait! I suddenly feel a burst of wicked energy, and I must find a Dragon of Heaven to use it on! We'll ask our Dreamseer where to find one!" exclaimed Fuuma.

Yuuto's lower lip twitched. "But…but they're homemade…" he whimpered.

Fuuma glared at Yuuto. "I could just use it on you…"

The Water Master quickly sweat-dropped, and held out his hands sheepishly. "Right, let's go see Kakyou!"

The doorknob rattled, and the hinges creaked as the two entered another dismal, gray room of the base. At the center sat a bed veiled by delicate sheets of pale blue material that draped from the ceiling. However, when they approached the bedside, they found only an imprint of the Dreamseer in the sheets.

Yuuto lost his usual grin, and touched his index finger to his chin curiously. "Well, this certainly is odd. I was under the impression that he was trapped in a coma." His shoes clicked against the sleek floor as he searched another corner of the room. "Now where could he have gone to?"

Fuuma gazed at the empty bed. On the other side, Kakyou's life support machine was smashed into tiny fragments against the floor, and all the tubes that had once been connected to the Dreamseer lay deserted. How could that weakling Kakyou find the strength to awake from his coma on his own? "Kakyou! We have to execute acts of unparalleled evil against our enemies! Get back here!" ordered Fuuma impatiently.

Yuuto began whistling as he checked every corner of the room. "Here, Kakyou! Come here, boy!"

Fuuma irritably folded his arms. "I'm giving you to the count of ten to get back here! One…two…three…four…"

"Kakyou, come out! There's candied yams involved!" pleaded Yuuto.

Fuuma's voice became angrier with each moment. "Eight…nine…nine and a half…"

Before he could shout out another number, he was smacked in the head from above by a heavy form, and hit the floor with a thud. Stars floated through his vision, but when his eyes focused, he found the Dreamseer sitting over him with a wide smile on his face.

"Tag! You're it!" screamed Kakyou as he dashed to the other side of the chamber, leaving Fuuma to stare after him in shock.

"Kak…you?" Fuuma whispered to himself incredulously.

"You can't find me! You can't find me!" cried Kakyou in a singsong voice. He suddenly halted his run, and covered his eyes. "I'm invisible!"

Fuuma tugged at his face to make sure that he was not in some bizarre dream, but ended up cringing from the pain. He wordlessly pulled himself from the floor, and approached Kakyou as calmly as he could, staring at the maddened Dreamseer in awe. Somehow Kakyou had managed to shed his hospital gown for nothing more than a white undershirt and a pair of silk boxers with small red hearts on them.

"Kakyou! What the hell do you think you're doing!" demanded Fuuma. "And where did you get those boxers?"

The Dreamseer let out a high-pitched giggle while keeping his hands fastened over his eyes. "You can't see meeeeeee……"

Fuuma began to sweat-drop. "Yes I can."

"Nuh-uh! I'm invisible!"

"No you're not…you're right in front of me."

Kakyou's smile disappeared, and he examined his hands closely. "Must be broken…" he muttered.

Fuuma's gaze briefly searched the room to find that Yuuto had disappeared. "Damn Water Master…abandoning me for a plate of yams…" When he blinked back in Kakyou's direction, he realized in terror that the Dreamseer had again vanished, but the hinges of the bed behind him suddenly squeaked.

"I'm flying!" screamed Kakyou as he hopped up and down on the bed. "I'm flying! I'm—" Kakyou suddenly plummeted to the ground, Fuuma's hand wrapped around the Dreamseer's ankle.

"I demand that you go back to sleep and tell me where the Dragons of Heaven are!" growled Fuuma.

Kakyou's golden eyes blinked back at Fuuma innocently. "Will you give me candy?"

"I…I…uh…damn all of this. If I had picked another Dreamseer in a coma I would think he'd at least stay half-dead…" grumbled Fuuma.

But suddenly, Kakyou's nose began to twitch, and Fuuma couldn't reply before the Dreamseer let out an enormous sneeze into the other's face. Fuuma's eyes narrowed as he had reached his boiling point, but in the next instant, all anger dissolved from his face, and he stared ahead blankly. Kakyou, on the other hand, began giggling uncontrollably.

"I gotcha again!" he shrieked between laughs. "I—" The Dreamseer abruptly collapsed onto the floor, a tranquilizer stuck into his left shoulder.

Behind the unconscious Kakyou stood Yuuto, who sadly shook his head. "It seems that our poor Kakyou has finally succumbed to madness from his crushing depression. What a shame…he is such a talented Dreamseer, too."

Fuuma merely stared ahead, his mind dazed and confused. What was happening to him? All of the sudden he felt like his head was floating. Yet at the same time, he felt somewhat…happy. He straightened himself up with a huge grin. "Evil! I must do thy bidding!" he cried before cackling out of the room.

"What? Can't I conveniently carry tranquilizers!" exclaimed Yuuto defensively. "I DO NOT have a drug problem!" He then looked around, and to his relief found that only Kakyou remained in the room. Yuuto shrugged, and pulled out an orange lump from his overcoat pocket, and offered it to the sleeping Dreamseer. "Yam?"


	2. Therapy, Federal Offenses, and a Marker

Disclaimer: If I owned X, Yuuto would be mine, and mine only….

* * *

**Ch.2 Therapy, Federal Offenses, and a Marker Named Mr. Chaos**

_Location: At the Office of Dr. Oswald Satyn, Psy._

"So what brings you here Mr.—err, Ms.—um…Nataku?" asked Dr. Satyn as he doodled on his notepad.

"My Daddy told me to find someone who'll listen to me," replied Nataku. It eyed the Doctor suspiciously. "Will you listen to me?"

Dr. Satyn smiled. "Of course (for a lovely $200 an hour, who can complain?)" The Doctor cleared his throat. "So, uh…your father. He doesn't listen to you?"

"Daddy ignores me until I do something evil."

"Like what?"

Nataku squinted at the wall trying to remember. "Well last Monday, I destroyed the Tokyo police station, stopped a truckload of Pocky from entering the city, called some woman ugly, stole all the packets of ketchup from a nearby Burger King, set fire to Kamui's spice garden, pushed some guy off Tokyo Tower—"

"Enough!" screamed the Doctor. "Umm, so what did your Father do?"

Nataku puffed out its chest in pride. "Daddy let me stay up with him to watch 'Friends'!"

Dr. Satyn doubled over. "Be strong, Oswald, 45 minutes more, and the money's yours," he murmured. "So let me get this straight…you destroy half of Tokyo, and your father lets you watch 'Friends'?"

Nataku shook its head. "Nope, sometimes he lets me watch 'Sex and the City'!"

Dr. Satyn stared.

"But lately Daddy's been ignoring me. He doesn't think I'm evil enough!" complained Nataku.

"Did you talk to your Father?" suggested the Doctor after a long, agonizing moment of self-reflective silence.

"About what?"

"About your feelings."

Nataku tilted its head in confusion. "I don't have feelings."

Dr. Satyn gaped. "But you love your Daddy."

"Yes."

"So you must have feelings."

Nataku blinked. "But I lack feelings."

The Doctor banged his head against his desk so that everything on it rattled as he groaned. Nataku, meanwhile only gazed calmly until the Doctor had finished his panic attack. "Nataku…let me tell you a story. When I was young, I wanted to be a karaoke pop star in Tennessee. But my parents didn't think I could do it. Well, I practiced hard, day after day, night after night, and I showed them! That's how I am as successful as I am today."

"How does that have to do with me and my Daddy?" queried Nataku. "And besides…you are not a pop star…you are a psychologist," it added blatantly.

Dr. Satyn hung his head in defeat. "Damn you, Mom and Dad! Damn your lectures of 'karaoke isn't music' and 'I don't want my son to be a whore' and 'why don't you feed your dog'!"

"Are you crying, Doctor?"

Dr. Satyn lowered his head to his desk. "It's going to be a long session…"

_Location: Dragons of Earth Base_

When Yuuto next entered Fuuma's throne room, he was surprised to find it completely covered with millions of white envelopes and boxes. At the center of it all sat Fuuma, who was laughing maniacally while scribbling a permanent black marker all over the letters.

"I didn't know we got fan mail!" chirped Yuuto with a smile.

Fuuma ignored Yuuto's voice, and continued smearing each letter with black ink. "Yes…escape with all your might, little letters, but not one of you is safe from my wrath. Together with my friend, Mr. Chaos, we shall destroy Tokyo!"

"Hmm?" asked Yuuto curiously as he approached Fuuma. "And who is Mr. Chaos?"

Fuuma hissed. "Back! Back you barbarian! Not a step closer! He's my friend, mine!" He then began snuggling the marker. "It's all right, Mr. Chaos, don't cry. I won't let the filthy infidel hurt you…"

Yuuto folded his arms and lifted an eyebrow. "Well you certainly seem cheerful today, 'Kamui'," he remarked happily. "You must have set all of Tokyo into a panic to be so perky."

"It wantsss to knowsss our evil plot, preciousss…" whispered Fuuma to the marker. He held the marker close to his ear as if he were having an intellectual conversation. "Yes. You think so? Couldn't hurt. Listen, I'll buy you those shoes you want tomorrow if you'll get off my case. Good…" Fuuma then glanced back up to Yuuto, who was sweat-dropping by now. "You! The Blond Infidel! Come admire my beautiful plot! For soon, you see, Tokyo will be turned upside down!"

Yuuto backed away, realizing that it was probably a bad idea to even walk in the room in the first place. "You know, that's quite all right! I've had quite enough evil for one day, so I'll just be finishing the yams and—"

"ADMIRE IT!" screamed Fuuma as he held 'Mr. Chaos' high in the air.

Yuuto sweat-dropped even more, and hesitantly approached a pile of letters that Fuuma had already marked, and grabbed one. He examined it very closely, but could find nothing wrong with it save for the black ink blotting out a portion on the front. He shrugged, opened the letter, and wordlessly scanned the contents.

"Well…what do you notice, Infidel?" whispered Fuuma with a glint in his crimson eyes.

Yuuto stammered. "Err…umm…I could be eligible for a free toaster oven if I talk to my doctor about Viagra?"

Fuuma's eyes began to burn impatiently. "No, Infidel! On the front! What do you see?"

The Water Master gaped at the front. He was losing his voice in the presence of this insane Fuuma. "…the return address is blotted out?"

Fuuma let out a wicked howl. "Isn't it purely evil?"

Yuuto blinked. "Let me get this cleared up. You stole all the mail in Tokyo only to blot out the return addresses…?"

Fuuma simpered. "Then we shall return the mail just as we found it…oh the sabotage, Mr. Chaos! The insanity!"

"That's your evil plot? You stole the mail, blotted out the return addresses, and then you'll return it?" exclaimed Yuuto skeptically.

"Tampering with the mail is a federal offense. Is it not malicious? Now go, leave us to our meddling!" cried Fuuma. "Bwahahahahahahaha! …oh, and don't break the boxes marked 'fragile' on your way out, they're delicate….BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Needless to say, poor Yuuto sprinted on his way out with shivers crawling down his spine. "What is with everyone today?" he exclaimed to no one in particular. "First the most depressive guy I know is jumping around like a toddler, and then my leader is speaking to inanimate objects! I'm confused." Yuuto hung his head. "I just want to take a hot bath and go to bed!" However, as he paced along the halls of the headquarters, Yuuto realized that there might actually be something wrong with them. "Maybe I should go ask Satsuki what's wrong."

Two steel doors slid apart from each other, and smoke roiled past his feet as Yuuto entered Beast's lair. The room, as usual, was so frigid that he feared the tips of his hair might freeze, and Yuuto was grateful to have his white overcoat. In far end of the chamber, sat Beast, its red light flaring with jealousy at the Water Master's approach. However, Yuuto's pace did not slow, and he kept his eyes locked on the young girl that lay encased inside the massive computer.

"Yuuto…" she remarked emotionlessly, as she removed the visor obscuring her face. "Is it tea-time, all ready?"

Yuuto did his best to keep his pleasant smile, although he could not hide his preoccupation. "Not quite, Satsuki. It seems that a rather annoying predicament has befallen us in our own base."

Satsuki's impression did not change, although there was a hint of interest in her icy eyes. "Oh?"

"First our Dreamseer awakes from his coma quite unexpectedly and sports boxers while giggling like a girl. And I don't know what it is, but 'Kamui' just seems off his game today. Do you think beast can analyze the situation?"

She blinked. "Boxers, huh?"

Yuuto's smile broadened in spite of himself. "You would expect the apocalypse to occur or something."

"The apocalypse?" Satsuki repeated with an arched eyebrow.

Yuuto sweat-dropped. "Irony has always been my friend."

"Just one moment…I will have Beast scan the Dreamseer and 'Kamui' for abnormalities…" replied Satsuki as she pulled the visor back over her eyes. The first images to appear on the monitor were of Kakyou, still unconscious and since the incident, strapped to the bed. "Damn, those are nice boxers…" she mumbled.

"What did you say?" queried Yuuto.

Instead of responding, she next analyzed images of Fuuma, who was desperately searching for something amid the sea of letters ("Mr. Chaos? Mr. Chaos! Where are you?").

"Beast has concluded the following: There is an alien chemical in the Dreamseer's blood that stimulates the Nervous System, which pulled him out of the coma. The drug most likely came from…"

Yuuto attentively listened as Satsuki explained, but while trying to stifle a yawn, two strong hands wrapped around his throat. "WHERE DID YOU TAKE MR. CHAOS?"

"…an intrusion of some kind, either by a hypodermic syringe, a dart, maybe an oral drug, but curiously, the same substance seems to have entered 'Kamui's' system while Beast does not conclude that such an intrusion was the cause of the latter case…"

"I…don't…have…him…" gasped Yuuto as he fought for air against Fuuma's hold. With what strength he had left, he plowed against Fuuma, sending him sprawling on the floor behind him. From Fuuma's pocket, rolled the permanent marker.

"Mr. Chaos?" exclaimed Fuuma excitedly.

Satsuki continued to drone on as Yuuto panted against the floor. "…that leaves the possibility that this drug can be transmitted from person to person from the infected one's blood, mouth to mouth contact…"

"Oh, Mr. Chaos! I'll never lose you again!" promised Fuuma, but suddenly his eyes began to water. "Aaaaaa….aaaaa…"

"…sexual intercourse…." Carried on Satsuki.

"AAAAACHOOOOOOO!" A terrible sneeze burst from Fuuma and all over Yuuto, who was still trying to regain his breath.

"…and sneezing," finished Satsuki.

"Come, Blond Infidel. Together we can help Mr. Chaos conquer Japan!" exclaimed Fuuma.

Yuuto quickly bowed. "As you wish, my Dark Priest! But first I must find the legendary, hidden city of the spider-monkeys!" He screamed, and together, Fuuma and the Water Master dashed out of the chamber.

"Hmm?" Satsuki focused closer onto Beast. "Yuuto, it seems Beast has tracked the one responsible for this drug. Do you wish to know? Yuuto?" The chamber was empty. "It seems that Yuuto has also been infected. Perhaps I should attempt to stop this drug…"

Beast: Or we could try to hack Vegas again.

Satsuki shrugged indifferently. "Okay, sure…"

So there's Chapter 2! What crazy, random terrors lie in store for our heroes next time? I'll give you a hint…Dragons of Heaven. (maniacal laughter)


	3. Destiny Takes a Lunch Break

Disclaimer: (sigh) if I only owned X…what evil things I would do….

Welcome to Chapter 3! Time to wreak even more havoc on poor, innocent bishies and, um…other people…what sinister plot is in store for them? Well, read on, sillies!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.3 Destiny Takes a Lunch Break**

_Location: Wal-Mart Super Center_

Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo grumbled as he wheeled the cart into the next aisle. "Just as Grandpa always said… 'if you want to be a vile destroyer of worlds, you always have to do your own shopping to get things done right.' Let's see, now…feminine care products…onion bagels…ah, here we are!" exclaimed Martin as he halted the cart at a colorful display that read:

_Super-evil, Wal-Mart-Brand Poison Darts_

_Guaranteed to send your nemesis into a writhing hell of which there_

_is no returning, and render them a lifeless lump of flesh in thirty_

_seconds or your money back!_

_Note: doesn't work on telemarketers…_

"Excellent! And now to destroy those impudent Dragons!" bellowed Martin.

"Uh, excuse me, sir, but that item has been discontinued," remarked a sales clerk.

Martin glared. "WHAT?"

"Yeah, something about a freak accident where someone was actually killed."

Martin gawked. "But they're POISON DARTS! And besides, if they're discontinued, why is the display here?"

The sales clerk appeared irritated. "That damn store mascot…he should have cleaned it up by now…GET OUT HERE YOU STUPID SMILELY FACE!"

Martin blinked as a floating face dejectedly emerged from the floor tiles while it coughed miserably. "The lights…they burn…!" it hissed as it whisked the display into the distance.

"I don't get it…it always seemed so happy in the commercials," muttered Martin. He turned back to the clerk. "Well how am I supposed to bring a swirling vortex of terror raining down on the heads of my worst enemies?"

The clerk rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, we did get this new product in, it's called 'Possess-O', the game where you can possess your worst enemies and bring a swirling vortex of terror raining down on their heads. It's the newest Milton Bradley craze."

"Foolish mortal! Do you not see that I am Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo! And Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo does not buy childish games!"

"Yes, yes that's nice, sir. But did you know that if you bought it today, you would receive a free package of muffins?"

Martin eyed the clerk suspiciously. "Muffins, you say? Evil muffins of doom?"

The sales clerk scratched his head. "Well they are blueberry…"

"I'll take seven!"

_Location: Under the Diet Building_

Yuzuriha, Sorata, and Kamui stood before Princess Hinoto impatiently. Finally, Sorata stepped forward. "Princess, you had something important to tell us about the Dragons of Earth?"

The bells on her kimono jingled as Hinoto nodded. "Yes, I have been tracking their movements, and have found something very disturbing."

"But shouldn't we wait for Subaru? Gee, I can't stand people who are late, can you Inuki?" shouted Yuzuriha. The spirit dog looked away indifferently. "See! Inuki agrees! Don't you, Inuki?"

Inuki: One shot at her throat in the dark…that's all I ask…

Kamui smirked as he leaned against a wall. "I doubt he's coming. He won't be able to walk for a few hours…" ; p

Everyone stared, and Kamui sweat-dropped. "For your information, you perverted sickos, he went bowling this morning with his community college buddies, but just as he was finishing up the last frame, a poodle bit him on the leg!"

(XD…no, I'm not THAT evil)

"So what of this disturbing activity, Princess?" queried Sorata after a long moment of silence.

Hinoto looked down. "It's Fuuma…he…he…"

"What? Did he burn another building? Did he dissolve one of the barriers?" exclaimed Kamui in concern.

"Did he fill the city aquarium with orange Jell-o?" cried out Yuzuriha.

Hinoto shook her head. "He has stolen the city's mail and crossed out the return addresses!"

Sorata gasped. "The fiend!"

Everyone: o.O

"Don't you see? This is more than one federal offense! Everywhere letters will be returned…paychecks won't be mailed, vital care packages will go missing. That little girl waiting for her cookies…the grizzled death row inmate waiting for the governor's reply…poor Anna, whose blood results are positive, and the only way to save her is Carlito's brain! Oh, the HUMANITY!" screamed Sorata as he fell to the ground.

Kamui sighed. "I thought we forbade him to watch any more soap operas…"

Yuzuriha was sobbing. "Carlito! He's so hot, and he's going under the knife to save not Anna, but Anna's evil twin from a parallel universe!"

"Am I the only one here that finds this strange?" cried Kamui.

"I, too, am concerned that there is a much more sinister plot forming at the Dragons of Earth Headquarters. Perhaps I will visit their Dreamseer and find out what I can."

Kamui nodded. "Be careful, Hinoto…"

As soon as she sealed her eyes shut, Hinoto found herself drifting through her realm of dreams in the safety of her bubble. As always, she was traveling through darkness, the only scene that could accompany those cursed to see the future in their dreams. The Dreamscapes that she recalled conversing with Kakyou in were just as gloomy and melancholy. However, when she successfully crossed into the other Dreamseer's dreamscape, she was met with something quite different.

In front of her was an enormous sign plastered with the picture of a stick figure with a wide grin. Carefully, the Princess read the words under the strange drawing. "Welcome to…Smiley Land? Population: Pink?"

Before her stood a town that could have just as easily been drawn by a preschooler with crayons. Each building was painted with nearly every bright color imaginable, and lining the rainbow streets were flowers that were smiling…and dancing? As the bewildered Princess drifted through the town, she realized that almost every building was either a candy or cookie shop. She glanced up to find a very large sun swaying in the multi-colored sky while whistling "It's a Small World". Her stomach rolled over.

"Kakyou?" she whispered incredulously. Maybe she had entered the wrong dreamscape. This couldn't possibly be right! She was just about to depart when a horrible squawking noise sounded, followed by bouts uncontrollable laugher, and she sweat-dropped as she recognized the voice.

Hinoto followed the sound until she was outside a lopsided building labeled 'Rejected Bird Mascots'. The Princess swallowed hard, and drifted in.

Kakyou held a rather distressed owl in spectacles by its talon with one hand, while clasping an unwrapped Tootsie Pop. "I'll ask again, Mr. Owl! How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?" he screamed.

Hinoto gaped. "Kakyou?" The Dreamseer remained dressed in his heart-boxers and the white shirt, contrary to the kimono that he usually wore in his dreams.

The owl let out another screech, and with all of its strength, it broke free of Kakyou's hold and hastily flew past Hinoto and out the door. Kakyou pouted and lowered his head sadly. "The world will never know…."

But suddenly, his eyes fell over a cage marked 'Sonny'. Inside was a large chocolate-colored bird with an enormous yellow beak. "And YOU! Why are you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? Answer me!" He rattled the cage, as the poor bird shrieked, until it rolled onto the ground. Then he noticed that he had a visitor.

"Kakyou? What has happened to you?" cried the Princess in alarm.

He broke down laughing. "Bubble! The white-haired lady's in a bubble!"

Hinoto stared at him a little longer, in an attempt to read the Dreamseer's memories before her scarlet eyes widened. "Kakyou! You have been attacked?" she cried.

Between giggles, Kakyou rose. "I want to play! I wanna play in the bubble ride, too!" he exclaimed with a giant smile. He started running at Hinoto, but when he was only a yard away, the Dreamseer tripped on his own feet. He fell head-first into the bubble, his mouth accidentally colliding with the astonished Hinoto's.

Blushing crimson, he quickly backed away in terror. "I KISSED a girl! Ack, I'm infected with cooties!" he howled as he ran away. "Disinfectant! I need disinfectant!" However, this time, Sonny's cage lied before the panicked Dreamseer's path, and as he fell for a second time, the Cocoa Puffs Mascot bit him on the wrist.

Meanwhile, the Princess gazed without any expression on her face as she watched Kakyou's trauma. Suddenly, she forgot what she was going to say or do, and her blood began to rush with excitement. She smiled.

"OWW! THAT HURTS!" cried Kakyou. "Body…tingling…this power in my body…what's wrong with me?" The dreamscape quickly faded into blackness.

"Princess? Princess Hinoto! Are you all right?" Sorata's face was filled with alarm as she slowly opened her eyes.

"Do you want Inuki to hug you?" suggested Yuzuriha. Kamui was tempted to smack the little twit on the head if he were not also concerned about Hinoto as she came to, so he only wordlessly approached the Princess as well.

All three of the Dragons of Heaven kneeled over her worriedly waiting for her to speak, but to their amazement she grinned up at them. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she began to shriek. But all of the sudden, her smile was lost, and her nose wrinkled in a vain attempt to hold back a sneeze. "Aaaa….aaaaaaaa….."

_-Two hours later-_

"Cinderella, dressed in yella, went downstairs to kiss her fella…" giggled Sorata as he leapt over one of Hinoto's tufts of hair as if it were a jump rope. He was dressed in a tacky summer dress, and his hair had been dyed green. His eyes suddenly shifted around, trying to recall the rest. "Um…the man downstairs was a fake! But how many babies did they make? One! Two! Seven! Purple! Fish!"

"There-ya go! Now Kamui's pretty too!" exclaimed Yuzuriha as she finished tying the back of a pink dress. At her side were several bowls of hair dye that were messily spilling onto the floor, and behind her sat Princess Hinoto, almost all of her white hair now covered in wild colors.

Kamui wrapped his arms unhappily around his dress, his own hair a matching hot-pink. He frowned. "But I wanna be a fairy queen! I need wings or else I can't go to their ball tonight!"

Sorata tripped over his makeshift jump rope. "A ball? Can I kick it?" He stared in every direction until his eyes fell on Hinoto's head. "There it is!"

Hinoto, meanwhile, was singing obnoxiously. "This is the song that never ends! It goes on and on my friend! Someone started singing it not kno—OWWW!"

"HOMERUN!" shouted Sorata. "Twenty points!"

Inuki sat in a distant corner shaking his head admonishingly.

Inuki: Damn cretins. I'm surrounded…screw loyalty; I'm getting some Cheesy Bread down at Dominoes…

Yuzuriha's fingers trembled. "I need more hair! MUST DYE MORE HAIR!" Her gaze suddenly fell on Inuki, who was heading toward the door, and she smiled evilly.

Noticing the bowl of hair dye in his companion's hand, Inuki realized it was time to bolt. "Wait Inuki! Come back!" screamed the girl.

Kamui exploded in nefarious laughter. "Hear me, world! One day I shall become the most beautiful fairy of them all, and you shall bow before my frilly pink wrath! All hail Kamui, Imperial Queen of the Universe!"

Meanwhile…

_Location: At the Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

Fuuma stroked the marker lovingly as he approached Kakyou's chamber. "Patience, my pet…the destruction of this city is at hand! We need only to recruit the Dreamseeing Wizard of Mayhem, and we shall ascend to victory!"

The marker remained quiet in his grasp, yet Fuuma pressed his ear against it. "What do you mean the Pink Menace also wants to take over the world? Mr. Chaos! You and I shall drown this fool in an inky world of which there is no dawning! Now we must find the Wizard of Mayhem!"

However, when Fuuma reached Kakyou's bedside, he found it empty, and all of the straps lay eaten-through on the floor. "Drat! The Wizard has disappeared!"

Kakyou had escaped into the outside world…

That's the end of chapter 3! What adventures await our drugged characters? Who else will be victimized by madness? How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Find out most of the answers in my next insane chapter!


	4. Meaty Wisdom and Pillow Plots

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would abduct Subaru, cover him in aluminum foil, and make him sing annoying Disney songs ;P

Well I'm back with another twisted chapter! Btw, I read somewhere that creativity is closely linked to insanity. If that happens to be the case, I might be a queen of a rainbow kingdom in a galaxy far, far away! Anyway, I'd like to throw out a special thanks to those kind enough to review my demented rantings, for without you, I could be making a sandwich right now. Enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 4 Meaty Wisdom and Pillow Plots**

_Location: Inside the Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

Yuuto glanced around the corner of the next long, gloomy hall in the building. "It's quiet…too quiet…" he hissed. He slyly pulled out what remained of a candied yam from his overcoat, and cautiously whispered into it. "Agent Yuuto reporting…no, the lost mountain of eggs has not been found yet…understood, it's time to lock and load!"

Yuuto chucked the yam over his head and shouldered his index finger. "Encountering enemy activity! Shoot to kill!" he screamed. The Water Master leapt into the next hall, his finger aimed to straight ahead, but all that stood before his path was a neon exit sign flashing over a fire escape. He lowered his 'weapon' reluctantly. "The vault is unguarded…what heinous trap lies in store?"

"Yuuto…." Whispered a distant voice.

"Who said that?" cried Yuuto as his head darted in all directions. "Could it be my arch nemesis, Dr. Glubglub from Neptune?"

"No Yuuto…I am an angel sent to guide you along your dark and I shall reveal myself to my loyal follower so that you will not be lost…" Suddenly, Yuuto's vision began to spin, and several colors swirled around his head. While he swayed dizzily, the colors slowly began to form a strange figure, until the Water Master realized just what it was.

"A floating taco?" he cried.

The taco drifted around his head excitedly. "Agent Yuuto…I am the Magic Taco, the angel of the god you must serve…I come now offering tidings of meaty wisdom and counsel…"

Yuuto's mouth watered. "Mm…meaty wisdom…"

_Magic Taco: I am an ethereal angel, the messenger of crunchy goodness! I am NOT for eating!_

He whimpered. "But you're meaty and cheesy. And is that Volcano sauce on you?"

_Magic Taco: A Magic Taco must look his best. Now listen carefully, Yuuto. Before you lies the gateway to the great unknown. It is there that you will find your god, who anxiously beckons for your arrival. Push open the gateway, and follow the light!_

"Follow the light?" queried Yuuto as he walked forward.

The Magic Taco began to fade away. "Follow the light…"

Yuuto kept his eyes locked on the Magic Taco as he walked closer to a fire escape. "Follow the—OUCH!" Yuuto fell onto his back rubbing the side of his head.

_Magic Taco: Follow the light…and don't hit the door…it's rather painful…_

The Magic Taco faded, and the wavy colors disappeared before his eyes. Nonetheless, as he sat up, he found that his collision had managed to open the fire escape. The light poured into the gray building, and Yuuto shielded his eyes in awe.

"Oh wise Magic Taco! Your revelation has shown me the path to the light! I shall depart and do thy bidding!" declared Yuuto. The Water Master rose, and slowly exited the building.

However, just as Yuuto left, another voice sounded down the hallway. "Mr. Chaos! We must spread the word of destruction and have this entire town bow to your inky wrath of unwashable doom! We shall—" Fuuma stopped short when faced with the open fire escape. "This light…MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Success, my liege! The Blond Infidel has done it! The portal to the outside universe has been opened."

Fuuma sprinted toward the light. "It is time to spread your doom to every corner of this unsuspecting city. In every household, none shall escape the stains of your greatness. TOGETHER WE SHALL—" Fuuma sprinted off the fire escape landing and fell down the columns of stairs. "Ow! Ooh! Oof! MY GALLBLADDER!"

"Mr. Chaos…I got a booboo…."

_Location: Under the Diet Building_

Subaru limped off the elevator, wincing as he went. "Damn Poodle…I hope I haven't missed anything important," he mumbled to himself as he reached for the doorknob. "Princess Hinoto, I apologize for my—"

He opened the door to find Sorata in a yellow summer dress tiptoeing along the floorboard. "Don't step on the cracks…earthquakes…" he announced warily.

"MORE HAIR! NEED TO DYE MORE HAIR!" shrieked Yuzuriha, her trembling fingers dumping a bucket of white hair dye over her head.

"I've gotta lovely bunch of coconuts, deedleley-dee.." sang Hinoto.

Subaru stared. "…tardiness? What…what...w-w-w-ha…" He couldn't get any words out.

Suddenly a very pink Kamui was staring very close into his face. "My Fairy King has arrived! We shall strike terror into all pixie-kind!" He bellowed in laughter. "…my King?"

Subaru dashed back to the elevator, despite the poodle bite, and sat in a fetal position in the far corner. "Hokuto…I'm finally losing my mind…"

"Wait, my dearest King! Together, nothing can withstand our frilly wrath!" exclaimed Kamui as he chased after Subaru.

Yuzuriha shook excitedly, and followed after. "He had hair! I must color it!"

Sorata scratched his head thoughtfully. "Hair…rhymes with chair…and stair!" Sorata out of the chamber for the staircase. "Wait! I want a chair too!"

"Wait what about me?" cried Hinoto, who was sitting alone in the room. Following a long silence, she glanced around to see if she was alone. "This is the song that never ends…"

And thus more of our drugged heroes entered the outside world…

_Location: Downtown Tokyo along some anonymous avenue…_

Yuuto skipped happily down the sidewalk. "Gonna meet my master! Gonna meet my master!" He paused thoughtfully. "But where is my master?" He glanced over at a little girl licking a lollipop.

"Well hello there, little imp! Do you know where to find the god that the wise and all-knowing Magic Taco serves?"

"Are you baked, Mister?" she called out between licks.

"O mighty Magic Taco! Give me a sign of the one I must serve!" cried out Yuuto. Suddenly a Mountain Dew truck grumbled by over the street. Yuuto's eyes widened, and he chased after the truck. "My lord! Your servant has come!"

The truck rumbled down the street unheedingly. "Wait! I wish to serve you, master!" screamed Yuuto. He frantically outstretched his hands, but just as he did that, he managed to summon all the water from the nearby fire hydrants. The pressure of the water plowed into the front of the truck, and beaned the unsuspecting driver unconscious.

Yuuto fell on his knees and bowed. "Praise the Magic Taco, who has endowed me with the gift of water!"

The wheels of the Mountain Dew truck screeched, and it swerved into a nearby intersection taking out three SUVs, a police car, and a nearby Starbucks. As the sirens screamed into the air, and the people were yelling in panic, the back of the truck slid open to reveal stacks of Code Red twelve-packs.

Yuuto had found god.

_Location: Looney Lenny's Pillow Depot_

Seishirou carefully looked around him to make sure that no one was watching before entering the store. The bell on the door jingled, and the Sakurazukamori lifted his sunglasses and smiled at the aisles of pillows sitting before him. "Ah, just what I need. A nice pillow blow-out at Looney Lenny's to really get my blood boiling!"

However, as he approached aisle four, he heard sinister laughter, followed by a familiar voice. "Faster, Mr. Chaos! The destruction of this city is at hand!"

Seishirou peeked into the aisle to find all the pillows tossed carelessly to the floor. Fuuma giggled madly as he scribbled the black marker over one of the pillow tags. He then plucked the second tag from the pillow, threw it on a pile, and tossed the pillow over his shoulder.

Seishirou sweat-dropped. " I can explain why I'm here! You see—"

Fuuma glared at him. "You! Bend to the will of Mr. Chaos!"

Seishirou gaped. "Mr. …Chaos?"

Fuuma raised the marker into the air. "Why aren't you bending? Can you not see that we are immersed in a vile plot of destruction?"

"The pillows?" asked the Sakurazukamori.

Fuuma nodded with an evil smirk. "Yes…the pillows. What do you see?"

Seishirou kneeled down and stared at the pile of discarded tags that read:

_Under Penalty of the Law, This Tag Is Not To Be Removed._

He blinked. "You pulled out the pillow tags?

"Mwahahahaha…" laughed Fuuma. "I have removed a tag under federal penalty, yes, but I have done something even more sinister to the tags that remain on the pillows…"

Seishirou examined one of the pillows to find that the words on the second tag were blotted out. "You crossed out the washing instructions?"

"It is all folding together. Soon all the pillows in this city will become dirty…too dirty. And yet when the need to wash them becomes dire…no one will be able to! Their little minds will explode with questions like 'do I wash this with cold water or warm?' and 'does it need a rinse cycle?' and 'what if it's dry clean only?' First the pillows…then the city is mine. HUAHAHAHAHA!"

Seishirou did his best to look encouraging. "Well, that's some evil plot there. Now I'll just be going to get a nice bagel…"

Fuuma narrowed his eyes at the Sakurazukamori, and snatched a pillow. "You know too much…now you must die…"

"What do you mean?" Instead of replying, Fuuma smashed the pillow down his head.

"DIE! FEEL THE COMBINED WRATH OF ME AND MR. CHAOS!" screamed Fuuma.

"Ow…that hurt." Rubbing his head, Seishirou reached up and grabbed the other end of the pillow as it came down for a second attack. "That's enough of that! What the hell happened to you!"

Fuuma pulled on the other side of the pillow with all his might. "Enemies of Mr. Chaos shall perish!"

All of the sudden, the pillow ripped open, and feather smothered both Fuuma and Seishirou. As they drifted over his head, they tickled Fuuma's nose. "AAACHOOO!"

The sneeze spattered Seishirou, who blinked irritably. "Now listen here! You…" He lost his words as the feathers rained over him, and an empty-minded smile spread over his face. Clenching his fists, he broke free of the feathers and stared out the store into the city. "The ducks have come! Quickly! I must shield my precious buttermuffin! SUBARU, I'M COMING!"

Meanwhile…

_Location: Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

Nataku stepped into the throne room. "Daddy? I've come to talk about my…" It peered down at a notepad that it had scribbled on. "…unresolved…feelings. Daddy? Where are you?"

And that's a wrap for chapter four.


	5. Poor Subaru

Disclaimer: If I owned X, Sei-chan would be gagged and bound with nothing to eat but coffee and M&Ms under my bed. But alas…we cannot all have our wishes…

Weee! Five Red Bulls, three bowls of Rainbow Sherbet, and several bags of Hershey's chocolate later, I'm back with another sugar-fueled chapter. Let the games begin!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.5 Poor Subaru**

_Location: Outside Dr. Oswald Satyn's Office_

"What do you mean he's not seeing anyone?" cried a very distressed Subaru.

The receptionist blew on her freshly-painted manicure calmly. "Dr. Satyn's having another psychotic episode, and for the safety of the public, we cannot let anyone in." She smirked at him. "However, I'd be happy to doctor you anytime…"

Subaru slammed his hands on her desk. "You don't understand! I'm losing my mind! I can't take it anymore!"

"Yeah, yeah, they all say that, sugar." She leaned in closer to him. "Let me guess…unsatisfied with your sex life?" ;)

"I don't have time for this! I'm going insane!" screamed Subaru.

The receptionist sighed. "All right, I'll see what I can do. Why don't you calm down and go watch some TV in the waiting area?"

Subaru trembled as he folded his arms. "She's right…I need to relax…just breathe in and out…and besides, I'm in a mental hospital, nothing bad can happen."

He sat down in front of the Television. "'One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest' will be back after the following messages. The screen blinked into the newest Quizno's Sub commercial as two deformed, aborted rodents on sticks danced in front of a store. 'We love the subs!'"

Subaru howled. "NO! IT'S STARTING AGAIN! I NEED HELP!" He burst into the Doctor's office before the receptionist could say a word. "Make the hallucinations stop!"

Dr. Satyn cried in a dark corner petting a broken Karaoke machine. "And then…the Nataku just stared…stared with those hideous eyes! I can't stand it…it just makes me want to SING!"

Subaru blinked. "Doctor?" he whispered timidly.

The Doctor glared at him from the darkness. "Quiet Mother! I don't wanna become a doctor! I'm going to be a champion pop star and then we'll see who was right! Don't 'wash-your-hands-for-dinner, dear' me! Well I don't care if it's Mongoose, I'm not hungry!"

"Doctor, are you all right?"

"Stop calling me Doctor!" Dr. Satyn emerged from the shadows wearing a pointy hat made of aluminum foil. "I am the Lizard King!"

"No! No more illusions!" whimpered Subaru. He turned to the door only to find that it had locked when he closed it.

"THE NATAKU! DESTROY THE NATAKU!" screeched Dr. Satyn.

Subaru pounded on the door. "LET ME OUT! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GOING INSANE?" He suddenly fell forward as the door swung open, landing at the feet of the receptionist.

She stared. "You were turning the doorknob the wrong way, hon."

"When will these wild, uncontrollable, homicidal hallucinations end?" cried Subaru.

The receptionist laughed. "Wild, uncontrollable, homicidal hallucinations? Is that all? And here I was about to call Solitary and haul you away." She pouted. "Although those white jackets would have really worked with that overcoat you have on…"

Subaru looked up at her with hope. "You can get rid of the illusions?"

She pulled out a bottle of pills from the desk. "You only need to take these pills whenever you're having an episode, and they can be yours if you're willing to work for them…" she added seductively.

The Onmyouji had snatched the bottle from her hand before she could blink, and examined it. On it was the picture of a wizard in a straightjacket holding a syringe while winking back at him as he carefully read the text below:

_T__he Wacky Wizard's Magic Crazy-B-gone._

_Stops all insanity-related hallucinations 30 times faster than Advil brands._

_Does not repel ranting mothers or hairy uncles. Doubles as rat cyanide._

_May cause liver failure and Syphilis…_

_Warning: do not use when intoxicated or will worsen hallucinations_

He hugged the bottle. "I'm cured! I can now embrace life with confidence and control! I am the wind!" Subaru exclaimed as he walked out of the office.

"Wait! Don't you want some tea or a love child or something?" exclaimed the receptionist. She sighed in defeat, and sat back down at the desk. "There escapes another hot crazy…great job Madelyn…" she chastised herself.

Dr. Satyn wildly slashed a tin foil sword in the air. "THE NATAKU! BEWARE THE NATAKU!"

_Location: Looney Lenny's Pillow Depot_

"Yes, officer, that's right! There's a madman tearing and vandalizing all the pillow tags in the store! He's armed and dangerous!" cried a pillow salesman into the phone receiver.

Fuuma sat on an enormous mountain of pillows, surrounded by tags. "HUAHAHAHAHA! Look Mr. Chaos! See how they tremble before our ultimate destruction?"

"For the last time!" shouted the store manager into a megaphone. "Come down and pay for all the damage or suffer a pillow fight beyond your most hellish nightmares!"

"Who dares challenge the wrath of Mr. Chaos?" cackled Fuuma as he pointed the marker at the manager.

The manager fell to the ground. "HIT THE FLOOR! HE'S AIMING THE WEAPON!"

Fuuma picked up a pillow and held the tip of Mr. Chaos to its 'throat'. "One false move and the pillow gets it!"

The other salesman gasped. "No! You villain, don't you hurt Stephanie!"

They were locked in a climatic stalemate of evil versus good, a harrowing hostage situation of which there could be no winner when—

"Daddy! I found you!" exclaimed Nataku.

"Nataku, quickly! Vanquish the filthy pillow rats!" commanded Fuuma.

Nataku blinked. "I must talk to you about my feelings, Daddy." It glanced back at its notepad. "I feel…used and angry when I do evil to please you. If you love me…" It sweat-dropped and stared several moments more at the scribbled writing. "You will accept me for who I am…"

The Manager and Salesman were crying together. "Aww…"

Fuuma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Nataku, that's swell…I guess it's up to you, Mr. Chaos!"

Nataku's eyes trembled as it stared at the marker with envy. "Mr. Chaos?"

The marker dug into the pillow's throat, staining the fabric as it slid across. The Salesman screamed. "STEPHANIE NO!" He fell to his knees. "And her bat-mitzvah was this Saturday! Why?"

Fuuma stroked the marker. "Excellent, Mr. Chaos. How I love you…"

Nataku gaped as tears welled up in its eyes. "You never say that to me…" It flipped through the notepad, trying to find anything in its session with the Doctor to help. "Very well, Daddy…I've decided to run away to become a Karaoke pop star and prove you wrong."

"How nice for you, Nataku…" dismissed Fuuma.

"I will travel far, far away to a strange and isolated land across the world…" continued Nataku.

Fuuma sighed impatiently. "That's great, Nataku."

"…to the remote and perilous land of Tennessee," finished Nataku. It walked to the door. "Farewell, Daddy."

"Finally!" exclaimed Fuuma. "Now what was that you were trying to say, Mr. Chaos?" He pressed his ear to the marker. "Yes, I sense it, too. The Promised Day has come. I must do inky battle with the Pink Menace and claim the city as my own! Come, Mr. Chaos, we are going!" He paused and stared at the marker. "What do you mean I'm overbearing? I destroyed this pillow shop so I get to decide when we leave…" He averted his eyes guiltily from the marker. "…yes, dear. I'm sorry, dear…what if I took you out to that new French restaurant tomorrow to make it up to you?...Great."

Fuuma turned to the two employees of the pillow store. "Step aside, mortals! Unless you dare to do battle against Mr. Chaos!" They stepped back wordlessly. Fuuma threw his head back laughing. "DESTINY AWAITS US! MWAHAHAHAHAHA—OUCH!" All of the sudden, Fuuma's neck cramped up. "Mr. Chaos! I've got more owies!"

_Location: A Park outside Downtown Tokyo_

Subaru breathed in deeply as he walked along the field. "What a beautiful day! The children are playing, the trees aren't radioactive mutant monsters, and—oh!" He bent down to pick up something on the ground. "And I just found a penny! Life sure is good when you're sane! I think a nice walk in the park is exactly what I—"

"My Fairy King! I have found you at last!" screamed Kamui as he skipped across the field in his pink dress.

Subaru hung his head. "Oh no…it's starting again…" he frantically patted the pockets of his overcoat. "Damn! Where'd I put those pills?"

"Suby-kun! I will protect you!" shouted Seishirou, who was charging at him from the other side. "Back, you vile pink duck!"

"Seishirou-san? What are you doing in my psychotic hallucination?" whispered Subaru. It wasn't long until Subaru found himself between Kamui and Seishirou.

"Who're you calling a pink duck, you one-eyed, lizard-faced cretin?" hissed Kamui.

Seishirou sneered back. "YOU, you unsightly pink monstrosity!"

Kamui stuck his tongue out. "Sticks and stones, you revolting buffoon!"

"I am rubber and you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" spat back Seishirou.

"Why can't I find the pills?" cried Subaru.

Kamui folded his arms in a huff. "Well, it doesn't matter what you say, because this is MY Fairy King!"

Seishirou pulled Subaru into his arms. "No, he's mine!"

"MINE!" screamed Kamui as he grabbed Subaru from Seishirou's grasp. "Come with me, my King, and you shall reign over the inferior pixies of this land!"

"Oh yeah?" Seishirou took Subaru back. "Well I'm going to protect him from the ducks, so there!"

Kamui grabbed Subaru's arm while Seishirou held onto the other. "He's coming with me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"ME!"

"DEAR GOD DELIVER ME FROM THIS PLAGUE!" screamed Subaru as he was tossed back and forth between them.

"HE'LL BE GOING WITH ME!" growled Seishirou. With all his strength he pulled Subaru away from Kamui, wrapped his arms around him, and kissed him passionately on the lips.

Subaru blushed and his jaw dropped. "S-Seishirou-san?" But just as he spoke those words his thoughts began to fade from his floating mind.

Kamui clenched his fists angrily. "You dirty man-slut! You leave him alone right now so he can choose me!"

"He's going to choose me!" retorted Seishirou. He turned to Subaru. "Go on, show the little urchin!"

Subaru stared forward empty-mindedly. "I choose…I choose…"

Suddenly a man wheeled past a cart of Happy Bob's Sugary-Sweet Ice Cream. "I choose Ice Cream!" exclaimed Subaru happily. "ICE CREAM!" Upon realizing that a man was charging after his cart, the ice cream vendor sprinted with the cart in tow. "COME BACK! Ice cream! I need yooooooouuuuuuu!"

Kamui and Seishirou stared after him in silence until Kamui stepped forward. "That vile maggot, Happy Bob and his sugary-sweet cream of ice have stolen my King!"

Seishirou held out his fist. "REVENGE! Together we shall unite forces and make that sad creature, Happy Bob rue the day he stole our man! Come, Pink-headed scoundrel! We fly!"

Will Subaru ever get his ice cream? Will Happy Bob live past the next chapter? Where the hell is Kakyou? Find out all this and more in the next episode…err….chapter! Later!


	6. Ice Cream, Superheroes and a Really

Disclaimer: I don't own X, and I've got a restraining order from CLAMP to prove it!

Hello, and welcome again to this private little corner of muddled thought that is X Madness. It's 6:00, I drank a carton of milk, and my cat is plotting to kill me. So there's only one thing to do… on with the next chapter, of course!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 6 Ice Cream, Superheroes, and a Screwed Up Conscience**

_Location: The Park Entrance_

Yuzuriha patted down giant globs of periwinkle hair dye onto the grass while humming to herself. "There ya go! And now to find the rest of those ugly squirrels…gee, I wonder where Inuki is?"

"There she is, officer!" screamed a very distressed woman walking a whimpering pink Chihuahua. "She's the one who dyed my cute little Twinkles that wretched color!"

"You there!" called out a stern officer. "Did you dye this creature pink?"

Yuzuriha rolled her eyes. "Of course not! Who would defile such a helpless animal? I dyed it Marta Stewart-Brand Rose!"

The policeman waved away the matter calmly. "Oh! Rose, you say? Well that's completely different…wait, did you say Martha Stewart? All her products have been confirmed as rat poison!" Right on cue the rose Chihuahua keeled over.

Her eyes widened. "I…uh…?"

He leaned closer to the girl. "And is that not periwinkle that you're staining the grass with?"

Yuzuriha shifted about comfortably. "Well what you have to consider about that is…"

"And I just got several reports of dead squirrels in a wide arrangement of colors. Do I need to ask who it was…? Where did you get all that hair dye anyway?"

Yuzuriha, for once, and perhaps the only time, was quiet. "…"

(Author is silent for five minutes trying to think of a clever cover up for this hole, but in the end, whistles innocently and just cuts to the next event.)

A fat ice cream vendor fiercely wheeled his cart of Happy Bob's Sugary Sweet Ice Cream out of the park, huffing and puffing as if his life depended on it. And it did.

"ICE CREAM! I have come for you!" screamed Subaru as he sprinted after.

Yuzuriha stared as the officer was reading her rights. "HAIR…AND ICE CREAM?" She pushed the officer into the puddle of periwinkle hair dye. "Wait for me!"

Sorata stomped past the park entrance after them, bellowing: "SORATA HUNGRY…."

The officer gurgled as Martha Stewart's periwinkle hair dye slowly swallowed him alive. "I…will return. One day!"

Meanwhile, Subaru had lost sight of the ice cream vendor after he had ducked into a dark alley, leaving him ice cream-less. He pouted. "Ice cream…" But as a true act of God, the clouds suddenly cleared and a ray of light shot down upon a store. Before the building sparkled a sign that gave Subaru an ounce of hope: Baskin Robbins. (okay, okay, actually the ozone layer finally burned away over Tokyo so that the sun let down bright, but hazardous, radioactive sunlight down on the ice cream shop, but, DAMMIT, can't I create a miracle every once and a while?)

_Location: In a Dark Alley_

The ice cream vendor threw himself to the ground in exhaustion. "Ah! Me heart! Evil children…!" he exclaimed in poor English, or for the sake of authenticity, Japanese.

Two lavender eyes glared from the shadows behind him. "Hello Happy Bob," whispered Kamui.

A single brown eye blinked menacingly next to them. "Nice of you to come, my pretty!" growled Seishirou.

"No one steals my Fairy King! Feel my pinkish wrath!" hissed Kamui. He then walked over to the ice cream cart and kicked it, but it didn't budge. "OW!" screamed Kamui as he jumped up and down holding his injured foot. "It hurts!" he cried.

Seishirou emerged from the shadows and patted Kamui's back. "It's all right, don't cry! Just sit down, and I'll take care of that mean 'ol Happy Bob."

Kamui lifted his head and muttered something unintelligible as his eyes welled with tears. "Mweewaaaawaeee?"

The Sakurazukamori nodded. "That's right!" He struck his foot into the heavy cart, but the results were the same. "OWWWW!"

The treacherous Happy Bob appeared to have the upper hand, but just as things seemed to be at their worst, a jet of Code Red plowed into the cart, spilling bars of Sugary Sweet Ice Cream onto the street. Yuuto approached them from the other side of the alley, rivers of the dangerously caffeinated soda swirling around him. "All-knowing Magic Taco! You have once more guided your servant to victory!"

"Me ice cream!" yelled the ice cream vendor.

"Mwahahahahaha! Where's your messiah now, Happy Bob?" shouted Seishirou triumphantly. His eyes then narrowed, and he simpered, about to really kick the ice cream vendor's fat ass when…

"Think again, you evil-doers!" exclaimed a voice from atop a building. "You now have cause to fear, for bum..bum…bum… Captain Kakyou is here!" Kakyou stood over them wearing a woman's feathery mask and an old pair of army boots. A long red cape hung draped over his heart boxers as he grinned heroically. With a short laugh, Kakyou leapt from the rooftop, but instead of landing gracefully on his feet, he fell into a crate of wood shavings. His bottom lip trembled, and he burst into tears while frantically running around in circles. "Waaaaaa! Splinters! Ouchouchouchouchouchouch!"

The ice cream vendor blinked. "Please. Let there be gas leak nearby..."

Kamui stepped closer to Yuuto in amazement. "Your suit…it holds the power of pinkish wrath! You shall unite with me, my minion! And together, this city shall be ours a day earlier than planned!"

Yuuto stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I must consult the Magic Taco!"

Kakyou straightened himself, apparently recovered from the splinter attack. "Aha! Is that all you can deal me, you fiends? I will rescue this law-abiding citizen now, and return to deal with you later!" He managed to pick up the fat ice cream vendor, and began to retreat from the alley.

Yuuto fell on his knees. "Great Magic Taco! Without you I am nothing. Please show me the path to cheesy righteousness…and maybe leave me with a little Volcano sauce this time?"

Kamui pointed. "Happy Bob's getting away!"

Seishirou cast his eyes to the ground. "Curses! You win this time, Happy Bob. But mark my words: the war has just begun!" He dashed down the alley, and past the Dreamseer. "The Ducks are regrouping. There is evil looming forth! Suby, I will find you!"

The ice cream vendor stared up at his rescuer. "Who the hell are you?"

"No need to thank me! I'm Captain Kakyou, an ordinary man until bitten by a pissed off cereal mascot. I have been given the power of super speed. WHOOSH!" shouted Kakyou.

"But you only take three steps!" exclaimed the ice cream vendor.

Kakyou turned around to find himself only two feet from where he had previously been, and gasped. "The villains! They've taken away my super speed! I must call upon my trusty sidekick, Otis! The Golden Hippo!"

The ice cream vendor stared. "Golden hippo?"

Kakyou then gave a shrill whistle, and before the vendor could speak anymore, a golden hippo galloped beneath them. "Now ride, Otis! Ride like the wind!" commanded Kakyou.

The vendor screamed. "WHAT IS THIS? DREAM?" ;)

In the real world, the vendor had passed out, and lied in the middle of a busy street while twitching in the strange dream that the Dreamseer had implanted in his brain. However, as Kakyou stepped away from the vendor, a loud thump sounded as a bus passed over the man, causing mass panic all over the street.

Kakyou giggled excitedly, his eyes flaring with pride. "Another citizen saved! Villains beware! For as long as Captain Kakyou patrols the streets, nothing will spare you your doom! By my life, good shall always PREVAIL!" Suddenly Kakyou's face lit up. "Is that Happy Bob's Sugary Sweet Ice Cream I smell? Weeeeee!"

_Location: Baskin Robbins_

"Welcome to Baskin Robbins. My name's Stacie. How can I help you?" asked the girl at the counter.

Subaru was shaking uncontrollably. "I…NEED…ice cream!"

Stacie nodded. "Very well, sir. We have Shrek Ogreberry, Fiona Mint, Donkeychip and Cream, Puss' Pralines, Godmother's Chocolate…"

Subaru's hands only trembled more as the girl uttered more ice cream flavors that the store had sold out to a popular kid's movie, and as he noticed all of the cans of ice cream under the glass, he realized that he was never going to get any. He fell on all fours. "NOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. He violently brought his head down, and a small bottle of pills dropped from his hair.

(Author: YES, the pills were in his HAIR all along, XD)

Subaru stared at the bottle of Crazy-B-Gone, and shook it up and down. His eyes glowed with excitement. "Sprinkles?"

Yuzuriha burst through the doors as the girl at the counter kept reciting more damned Shrek flavors. "I found ya! Watchya eating? Can I have some? And ice cream, too! Can I? CanIcanIcanIcanIcanI?"

After stuffing a handful of pills into his mouth, Subaru wordlessly passed the bottle to Yuzuriha. He then rose to see if the girl was done giving out flavors. Nope. "Princess Peachpassion, Shrek Strawberry, Stepsister Surprise…"

However, Subaru's sight went out of focus as the girl kept droning on and on. All the colorful ice cream twinkled at him like stars, and he found himself spinning as what little sense of reality he had before was completely destroyed.

"Subaru…" came a soft voice.

"Hey Subaru! Look up, you moron!" growled a second.

He looked up to find two tiny versions of himself floating over him. One was dressed in a white bathrobe with a cheap halo and wings, while the other one looked like a crimson stripper with a back fedora hat. Subaru gaped. "Who're you?"

"We are both sides of your conscience," replied the angel.

"I have a conscience?" exclaimed Subaru.

"Yeah, and you're really doin' a crappy job! What're you doin', listening to all this Shrek shit when ya could be torchin' this joint?" admonished the devil.

"Oh, don't listen to him, Subaru. He gets really burned up with everything!" The angel laughed hysterically. "Get it? BURNED UP? Ha-ha, I kill myself!"

"No seriously, he has," interjected the devil. "How else do you think he got this crappy gig?"

The angel crossed his arms testily. "Well, at least I'm not the one wearing a stupid hat!"

The devil lowered his head, and began to sniffle. "That hurt…"

"Anyway, Subaru, just listen to me, and burn this place to the ground!" urged the angel.

Subaru lifted an eyebrow. "Wait, I thought that's what the evil guy wanted."

The angel blinked. "It was? Damn, I'm really dropping the ball today." The good Subaru then vanished in a puff of smoke.

The bad Subaru was still crying. "I spent a millennia picking out this outfit, too!" it whined as it also disappeared.

Subaru scratched his head. "I'm really confused…oh well." An ofuda materialized in his hand, and he targeted the glass covering the ice cream.

_Location: Back at the Dark Alley_

Sorata marched his way down the alley in his yellow dress, his arms outstretched. "SORATA HUNGRY!" he growled for a second time.

"O please! Magnificent Magic Taco! Shall I fight alongside the Fairy Queen?" called out Yuuto.

"Yuuto…Yuuto…" The Magic Taco slowly appeared before the Water Master. "I know of this Fairy Queen…you must—" Suddenly, the Taco was snatched from the air by Sorata and gobbled down in one bite.

Yuuto was mortified. "M-magic Taco?" he threw his hands up to the sky. "WHYYYYYYYYY?"

"SORATA HAPPY!" he exclaimed.

Yuuto rose from the ground, the Code Red swirling more viciously around him than ever before. "Magic Taco! I will avenge your demise!"

Sorata laughed oafishly. "LITTLE MAN BEAT SORATA?"

_------Five seconds later------_

Sorata lied groaning in the crate of wood shavings. Kamui turned back to Yuuto, "You are indeed a powerful ally! Join me, my pink-suited minion, and you can continue to spread your revenge to all of the city's imbeciles!"

Yuuto nodded. "Please, Magic Taco! Let this path be true!"

"HUAHA! We have found him, we have! The Pink Menace!" Fuuma stood before them, cradling the marker. "This city is mine—prepare to be annihilated by Mr. Chaos!"

This chapter was brought to you by Key Lime Pie and a bunch of things that piss me off.


	7. The Promised Day Has Come, Sorta

Disclaimer: If I owned X, Kamui and Fuuma would be frozen beneath a four and half foot layer of green Jell-O so that they would be mine for all eternity ;)

Ah, yes, we're at chapter 7 and that can only mean one thing…straitjackets for everyone! They are rather form-fitting and comfortable, ya know . As always, thanks to my amazing reviewers and enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 7 The Promised Day Has Come…Sorta**

_Location?_

Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo chewed on a muffin as he finished setting up his new board game. "Damn the evil Wal-Mart dogs…these are Lemon Poppy Seed muffins!" he grumbled as he took another bite. He peered over the game board, apparently proud of himself. At the center of the board was a spinning dial that pointed to a wide variety of names.

"Muahahahahaha! The end of Tokyo is at hand!" he exclaimed as he swiped the dial from the board. "Now quickly, you inferior piece of cardboard! Give me one of the 'Kamui' s or face my endless wrath!" However, when he reached to spin the dial, it would not budge. "Arrgh! Impudent toy! Do you dare incur the fury of Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo?" Nonetheless, the dial would not move.

With of heavy sigh, he slipped on a pair of reading glasses and consulted the rules of the game. "Thank you for purchasing Possess-O, a Milton Bradley sensation! Warning: do not use if player contains a spleen, upon purchase buyer surrenders all body fluids upon death…blah blah blah, causes bizarre and ghastly sexual side effects when exposed to ham…ah, here we are! Directions! Step 1: set up board game!" He glanced down to find the game neatly assembled. "Step 2: capture…err, gather three more players for the game."

"Curses!" shouted Martin. "Oh, well, as long as I still get to be the thimble…" He whipped out three sheets of paper. "By my dark art, I shall create the new players!" He shouted into the sky.

He then kneeled down and scribbled three stick figures, writing the names Mary, George, and Cletis at the bottom. He cast the directions aside, and gave the dial a spin. "Come on Fuuma…come on!" he whispered to the dial as it slowed.

However, his face fell when the dial had stopped. "George Bush? Damn…uh, I mean that was Cletis' turn!" With those words, the stick figure drawing vanished in an apocalyptic explosion.

He clenched his fist menacingly at the board. "Just wait Tokyo…your doom is nigh!" His eyes went back to the spinner. "WHAT? Go to jail? Umm…Mary's turn?"

_Location: Around the Dark Alley_

Kamui frowned as he grimly straightened out his pink dress. "Then it is time to settle this once and for all!"

Fuuma's fist tightened around Mr. Chaos. "We will destroy the Pink Menace and take Tokyo as our own..."

Yuuto's eyes widened. "This is it…the battle to decide the fate of Tokyo, a spectacle deserving of reverence, awe, and respect… FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" joined in Sorata from the crate of wood shavings.

Kamui and Fuuma circled each other like two fierce sharks burning to eat one another alive. Fuuma was the first to strike. "That dress makes your thighs look fat."

Kamui groaned and doubled over in pain, while Yuuto and Sorata winced. "Always playing dirty…" growled Kamui. "But since you've been rolling around with that cheap sharpie, I'm sure you can't help it!"

Fuuma reeled back, holding his hand over his heart as he tried to regain his senses. "Curse you, Pink Menace!" He suddenly bent an ear down to the marker. "What's that, Mr. Chaos? Yes, he is a ten cent truck stop whore…"

The insult knocked Kamui into a wall, but he quickly picked himself back up. "Ten cents? TEN CENTS? You bitch!" He slapped Fuuma across the face.

Fuuma gingerly touched his cheek, his mouth wide with shock. "Oh, no you didn't!"

"Well?" exclaimed the other. "Are you gonna BRING IT, bitch?"

Before Kamui could get out another word, Fuuma had pounced on him, ripping on his pink hair by the roots.

Kamui struggled against him over the asphalt alleyway. "Is that…OW! All you've got? Tokyo's gonna be mine in a day at this rate!" With a hiss, he then dug his nails into Fuuma's neck.

"Aaaaah!" screamed Fuuma, but as Kamui maniacally clawed him, he managed to grapple hands, and snap one of his nails. "Tokyo's my city to bring doom over! Not some pink floozy!"

It was Kamui's turn to shriek, and he brought the tip of his index finger to his mouth. "I BROKE a NAIL!" he growled. "Oh! It's on!"

_Location: Behind Little Vincent's Grocery…err, the Super Secret Kakyou Cave…_

Kakyou looked through his hands, scanning for trouble behind a dumpster. "It's too quiet, Otis!" he exclaimed to the invisible golden hippo. "Somewhere out there someone needs our help!"

Suddenly his eyes widened, and he turned around. "It's the Kakyou Phone!" He jumped off the dumpster, and grabbed a rotten banana. "Captain Kakyou is here, Commissioner! What's that? No! She didn't! Well, I always said Denise would make a terrific mother…oh, yes, yes, those shoes are horrendous on her, but they match her purse so nicely. Well, I'm just an old-fashioned Superhero, but—"

As he glanced away from the dumpster he noticed that dark smoke from a fire of some kind was rising a block away.

"Listen, Commissioner, I'll have to call you back. No, I don't know when. No, you hang up first…no, you! Fine, one the count of three…one, two, three!" he tossed the banana away, and rose to his feet. "Quickly Otis! There isn't a moment to spare. We must take the Kakyou mobile!"

The Dreamseer rushed into the front of the dumpster where a shopping cart with a bent front wheel rested. He laid both hands on its edge, but appeared to hesitate. "Otis…did you fasten your seatbelt?... Excellent!" He then began to push the cart before jumping into it. As the cart rolled down the street, it emitted a terrible grinding sound from the bent wheel.

"Captain Kakyou, away!"

_Location: Baskin Robbins_

Black smoke drifted into the sky over the Baskin Robbins as the flames within smoldered to a greater size with each moment. The girl behind the counter, Stacie, shrieked while running wildly in circles, but in the middle of it all, Subaru and Yuzuriha happily ate their Shrek-themed ice cream.

"Yay! Sprinkles!" shouted the girl. Yuzuriha had spilt the rest of the bottle Subaru had handed her over her Puss' Praline ice cream, and was halfway finished slurping it when her vision became swirly and wavy. When she turned to Subaru, she blinked in surprise.

Subaru was downing a bucket of Shrek Strawberry when Yuzuriha gave a sharp scream. "INUKI!" She exclaimed, and wrapped her arms over the Onmyouji. "I thought you left to get Cheesy Bread without me again! Bad dog!"

"Dog?" Subaru stared down at his hands, another hallucination lurching forward, and found himself with paws. "I'm a dog!" he cried, and he got down on all fours. "Meow! Meow! Meow!"

She folded her arms crossly. "Bad! You know you're not supposed to leave me! I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson! We're going to have to go to Petco and get you a leash!"

Subaru looked up at her innocently. "Meow?"

"No!" dismissed Yuzuriha. "I don't care if you pulled Danny out from the well or rescued Farmer Brown from those circus mimes! We're going and that's final!"

Subaru bowed his head sadly. "Meow…"

Meanwhile, a shopping cart had just screeched its way into the view of the burning Baskin Robbins. Kakyou gasped. "Drat!" Still, he gazed at the burning store to find that Yuzuriha was exiting, the collar of Subaru's white coat in her firm grasp while he meowed after her.

"The fools!" denounced Kakyou. "When will they ever learn that fire and sugary, creamy corporate greed do not mix? I must stop their escape!"

"Help!" screamed Stacie, who wasn't quite smart enough to just walk out of the building. "Will anyone help me!"

Kakyou stared back at the store. "There are still innocents within! I must act!" He jumped out of the shopping cart and dashed towards Baskin Robbins. "Cover me, Otis!"

The Dreamseer took in a deep breath. "I don't know what sort of nefarious villain lies beyond this door. I have to be careful!" He burst through the doors. "Evil, your days are numbered! For I am CAPTAIN KAKYOU!"

"Help me! Get me out of here!" shrieked the girl as she ran back and forth behind the counter.

Kakyou watched in horror. "The twisted fiend! That corporate puppet is attacking that poor ice cream! Don't worry! I'll save you! Take THIS, you treacherous being!"

Stacie smiled. "Oh are you going to save me? Thank—"

Kakyou kicked her in the stomach, knocking all of the air out of her. Then he carefully picked up the last two buckets of ice cream that remained intact. "Come, we must escape this dungeon before it is too late!"

As Kakyou was rescuing the ice cream, someone else had arrived at the burning building (and no, it wasn't the firefighters…that's just too damn practical for this fic). Seishirou walked up to the back of the building, his eyes full of concern. "Subaru? I smell Subaru here…SUBARU!" As he was walking around the fire, he discovered that something had rolled out from the torched store.

He curiously picked the item off the ground, and read the label. "Heavy-duty Saran Wrap…" The Sakurazukamori's eyes lifted from the object when he heard Kakyou rushing out of the store. "YOU!" he shouted.

"Quiet! I must get this ice cream to safety!" admonished Kakyou. He lovingly stroked the ice cream buckets. "It's all right. You don't have to cry anymore…it's all over."

However, as Kakyou ran by, Seishirou snatched the ends of his hair, causing him and the ice cream to crash down to the ground. "WHERE'S MY SUBARU-KUN?"

Kakyou frantically tried to scoop the ice cream back into the buckets. "You're one of them! One of the wicked villains! Torture me if you will, I'll never tell!"

Seishirou crouched next to the Dreamseer. "Oh really? I can be very persuasive…" He then grabbed a handful of ice cream off the street.

Kakyou's eyes widened. "NO! That's Low-Carb Fiona Mint! You monster!"

"Tell me or else the ice cream gets it!"

Kakyou glared at him. "A malevolent witch transformed him into a dog and took him away!"

Seishirou slammed his fist on the ground. "Dammit! I'm too late!" However, as his other hand tightened, he remembered that he was still holding the Saran Wrap. He stared down at the label for a second time, and read the blurb below. "Ideal for sealing away leftovers and…Sand Witches! Tell me! Was she a Sand Witch?"

"Well she didn't have any sand with her…" confessed Kakyou.

"Then she MUST be!" exclaimed Seishirou. "Don't worry, Subaru-kun! I'll find that evil Sand Witch and seal her away for all eternity!" He turned back to Kakyou. "You! You're going to lead me to her!"

Kakyou blinked. "Join forces, you mean?...yes!" He rose from the ground. "With our combined skill, no one shall be left in the face of danger!"

Behind him Stacie gave a final call for help before Baskin Robbins collapsed in flames.

"The entire city, on our watch, will be saved!"

_Location: Around the Dark Alley_

"You're going down, Pink Menace! You're nothing more than a slut!" yelled Fuuma as he pushed Kamui back to the ground.

Kamui quickly recovered to shoot back at the other. "Is that a marker in your hand? It's so tiny I thought for a moment I might've ripped out your—"

"Well at least I'm not ugly!" interrupted Fuuma.

Kamui halted his fighting, and lowered his head, his eyes welling up with tears. "Ugly..?" When his eyes rose to meet Fuuma's they were crimson. "Ugly? UGLY! UGLY! UGLY!" He let out an angry cry as he lifted one hand, and a wave of energy flew past Fuuma's head and smashed into a nearby building.

"His powers have awakened!" exclaimed Yuuto.

Kamui was huffing and puffing over a shocked and confused Fuuma. "I…AM…THE FAIRY QUEEN!"

Fuuma unscrewed the cap of the marker. "It's time we got serious, Mr. Chaos!" He raised the tip of the marker into the sky. "Smite him, Mr. Chaos! SMITE HIM!"

Kamui let another hazardous wave of energy fly, but this time it did not miss.

Fuuma screamed as he hit the ground. "MR. CHAOS!"

And that's how I'm going to end the chapter! Aren't I evil? What will become of Fuuma and Mr. Chaos? Find out in chapter 8!


	8. Petco, Where the Pets Go

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would tie up Yuzuriha with duct tape and dangle her 2 feet over a tank of man-eating squid…just for the hell of it.

Hooray! We made it to chapter 8 of my crazy funhouse called X Madness! This chapter is brought to you by small animals, Flintstones Push-Pops, and the under-appreciated letter Y. As in "y" won't the voices stop…..

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 8: Petco, Where the Pets Go**

_Location: Dark Alley_

"Mr. Chaos!" The marker had been blown out of his hand by the blast, and Fuuma searched frantically for it on the ground.

Kamui cackled maniacally at his fallen Twin Star. "All bow before the Fairy Queen of Tokyo!"

"Where are you, Mr. Chaos? Answer me!" called out Fuuma. Then his eyes fell on an inky puddle in the distance. "No….Mr.…Chaos?"

Kamui brushed off his pink dress. "And now it's your turn!"

But just as he had said those words, Fuuma was on his feet, dashing at Kamui in rage. "Damn you!" cried Fuuma, and he stood poised to strangle the other any moment.

However, Fuuma never reached his target, for just as he leapt for the kill, a stream of Code Red struck him back to the ground. Yuuto stood over him with a victorious smile.

"Blond Infidel? You've betrayed me?" exclaimed Fuuma in disbelief.

Yuuto kneeled alongside Kamui. "I serve the Fairy Queen to the meaty path of enlightenment and volcano sauce!"

Kamui approached Fuuma with a wicked grin. "It's time to end this!" But just as Kamui's hand rose, something struck into his back. Shocked, he reached behind him to find that he was attacked with a splinter.

Sorata stood behind him, his eyes somewhat catlike. "This marker does not wish for Fuuma to die…" he spoke in an ethereal voice not his own.

Everyone stared.

Sorata suddenly shook his head, and when he looked back up, his eyes were back to normal. "SORATA HAVE BAD GAS…"

"This way! The explosion came from there! Just you wait, you evil Sand Witch!" exclaimed Seishirou from a distance.

"All you villains! Fear Captain Kakyou's super—AHH!" Kakyou tripped over a fire hydrant.

"Curses! We are outnumbered!" growled Kamui. "Come, Pink Minion! We must depart!" He then covered his hands over his eyes.

"Oh no! He's invisible! We'll never catch him now!" shouted Kakyou.

"Muahahaha! You have all been spared the wrath of the Fairy Queen!" Unfortunately, the first step Kamui took was into a brick wall. "OW! My nose!"

"I'm here, Your Majesty!" exclaimed Yuuto.

"But it hurts!" cried Kamui, who still kept his eyes covered.

"Just keep walking straight…that's right, straight!" guided Yuuto as they slowly made their escape. "Now to the right…NO, RIGHT!" A great thump sounded followed by a loud cry, and they had left the area.

Fuuma knelt over the pool of ink to find Mr. Chaos broken in half. "Mr. Chaos! Mr. Chaos, wake up!" he screamed over and over again.

"Drat!" exclaimed Kakyou to Seishirou. "We were too late!"

Fuuma's head suddenly perked up. "What's that, Mr. Chaos?" he cried to the dying marker. His eyes widened. "The future…has yet to be decided. Mr. Chaos…don't go!" But it was too late.

Kakyou arched an eyebrow. "'The future has yet to be decided?'" He burst out laughing. "That's crazy talk! That's like saying that salesmen aren't robots!"

"Or that Wyoming exists!" chimed in Seishirou.

"Or that the Gross National Product of New Zealand is $44,660,000,000 instead of $44,660,000,001!" joined in Sorata.

Again, everyone stared.

Meanwhile, Fuuma, after enduring the shock of his beloved's death, entered a catatonic state of which there seemed to be no awakening.

"It's like he's walled up inside!" exclaimed Kakyou. Seishirou abruptly stepped forward. "What're you doing?"

Seishirou crouched beside Fuuma. "An extra-secret technique of the frog people! I will revive him with the Vulcan Mind Meld!"

"NO!" protested Sorata. "TOO DANGEROUS!"

"But I must try!" replied Seishirou bravely. He then peered closer and closer at Fuuma and shut his eyes in deep concentration.

"The ancient technique!" remarked Kakyou in awe.

Seishirou grabbed Fuuma's shirt collar, and shook him. "WAKE UP!" Fuuma only slumped back to the ground, and Seishirou sighed in defeat. "Well, that's about all I can do. Nothing's going to wake him up. NOTHING!"

Sorata gasped excitedly. "BUNNY!"

Fuuma jolted awake. "Bunny? Where?" A white rabbit hopped past the alley. Fuuma rose to his feet. "His name will be Pedro, and he will do evil's bidding! Muahahaha!" he cackled as he ran after it.

"The elusive Sand Witch has again escaped! We must search this city until we find them!" shouted Seishirou as he chased after Fuuma.

"By all that is good, Captain Kakyou will not rest until my arch nemesis, the Fairy Queen, is defeated!" Kakyou then jumped in a shopping cart conveniently placed by the friendly author. "Come, Otis! We ride!"

Sorata stared after them dully before trotting after. "BUNNY RUN? SORATA WANT BUNNY!"

_Location: Petco_

"Welcome to Petco…where the pets go," sighed an employee as the door jingled open. "My name is Arashi. How can I—Subaru-san? Yuzuriha?" Yuzuriha entered the store dragging Subaru by his coat.

Arashi hastily took off her Petco uniform. "I don't work here, if that's what you're thinking—I don't!"

"Arashi!" called a fellow employee. "The boss wants you to clean the fish tanks!"

Arashi reddened. "It's not what you think!" But amidst her frantic protests she double-taked at the other two. White hair dye had been spilled all over Yuzuriha's head carelessly. Subaru was on all fours, meowing, his head covered in a newly-applied blue color, and his coat had been stained with other assorted dyes.

Arashi blinked. "Subaru?"

He looked up at her curiously. "Meow?"

Yuzuriha rolled up a nearby magazine, and swatted him over the head. "No! Bad dog! You know you're not supposed to talk to strangers!"

Arashi stared wordlessly.

The other girl tugged on Subaru's collar. "Now come on, Inuki! We need to get you a leash!"

"Ai-aisle six…" stammered Arashi. "And we never saw each other."

Yuzuriha walked past her unheedingly with the meowing Onmyouji in tow.

Arashi slumped against the check-out counter. "I must lay off the dog treats from now on…"

"Gee, Inuki. I wonder where the leashes are!" exclaimed Yuzuriha as she led Subaru down aisle two.

"Meow?"

"No…what would leashes be doing by the cat litter?" she dismissed. But as she was passing by, something caught her attention. The fuzzy animal section. Yuzuriha squealed. "Look at all the hair!" From no where in particular she grabbed a can of Martha Stewart-Brand Chartreuse Hair Dye. "Be a good dog and wait here!" she ordered before charging off giggling maniacally at a corner of the store labeled 'Hamster World.'

Subaru shook his head after her. "Meow-mew-meow meow, meow…."

"Hey, buddy!" called out a high-pitched voice. Subaru looked around in bemusement. "Yeah, you!" continued the voice. "Come over here!"

"Meow?" Subaru crawled over to the pet treats section.

"No, no! Over here!" cried out the voice.

Subaru returned to the fuzzy animals section. "Warmer…" He edged closer to a ferret cage. "Hot! HOT!" He blinked, but then started heading back for the pet treats. "Cold…"

Eventually, Subaru was back at the ferret cage, but when he peaked in, all he saw was a spotted ferret. He stared. "Meow?"

The ferret approached the bars of the cage. "The stupid human girl's gone, so you can drop the pet act!" it admonished.

Subaru cleared his throat. "You called me?"

"That's right, genius!" replied the ferret wryly. "Now listen closely…I want you to spring me from this joint. It's about time this jailhouse be put under new management!"

Subaru gasped. "You mean?"

The ferret nodded. "Exactly. Kill all the people. Those damned two-legs think they're almighty just because they got thumbs and social security and what not! It's time that we prove 'em wrong, and you, my furry friend, have somehow made it to the outside. You can get me outta here!"

Subaru scratched his head. "What'll I do?"

Just then, a red puff of smoke appeared to reveal the evil Subaru in a hipped-up pimp wardrobe. "What's shakin', homie? Another psychological dilemma?" greeted the devil.

"Where's the other one?" queried Subaru.

The devil lifted an eyebrow. "The other…oh, you mean the angel! He went out for nachos…"

"So what am I supposed do?"

The devil folded his arms. "It's always about you, isn't it? And you didn't even notice my new outfit. You're just like the rest of them! Always 'me' and not 'we'! Well, you're on your own now, buster! I'm going to stay with my mother, so GOOD BYE!" It vanished back into the crimson smoke.

Subaru gaped after it. "Hell with…" And he reached for the ferret cage.

_Location: In front of Petco_

Fuuma rushed for the store's entrance. "Pedro? Pedro? Where are you?"

"What's that over there?" exclaimed Kakyou. "Could it be an evil minion of the Fairy Queen?" Lying motionlessly against the door was a dead rabbit covered in chartreuse dye.

"BUNNY?" asked Sorata.

Fuuma shook his head. "No, Pedro was white…" He suddenly burst out in tears. "PEDRO RAN AWAY AND WENT TO MICHIGAN BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE ME ANYMORE!"

Seishirou stooped over the dead rabbit. "This creature! It could only be the work of that no-good Sand Witch!" He unrolled a small square of Saran Wrap, and bound the animal. "Now it will be sealed forever!"

Several bloodcurdling screams sounded from within the building. "More trouble!" cried the Dreamseer. "Another job for Captain Kakyou!"

"And I bet that Sand Witch is behind it! I can feel them in there." Seishirou held the roll of Saran Wrap close. "Don't worry, Subaru-kun, I'm coming!"

"SANDWICH? TURKEY SANDWICH? SORATA HUNGRY!"

Fuuma looked at the Petco hopefully. "Pedro?" he sniffled.

And so our crazed heroes stood poised to enter the Petco…but what horror awaits them within?

Find out this, and more next chapter!


	9. Furry House of Horrors

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would keep Sorata in an uncomfortably tight cage dangling over a cauldron labeled 'human flesh' for no apparent reason other than my perverse amusement.

Here we are at chapter 9! The X characters, trapped in a Petco with homicidal fuzzy animals…that just stirs my imagination. What sick and twisted terrors await them, you ask? (wicked smile) I don't even know…I'm sitting at my computer with a bag of chocolate making it up as I go. Time to find out!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.9 Furry House of Horrors**

_Location: Petco Entrance_

With a deep breath, Kakyou pushed open the door to the Petco and the chaos that swarmed inside. However, the screaming had ceased, for splattered on the floor was the crimson blood of several hapless employees.

Kakyou shrugged, and took the first step in. "All's well, so far. But it's quiet…" He narrowed his eyes. "Too quiet."

Fuuma rushed into the store behind the Dreamseer. "Pedro? Pedro? I'm coming!"

Seishirou followed, the Saran Wrap tight in his hand. "I smell a Sand Witch! She's here…biding her time…"

Suddenly a dark form scurried past them in the distance. Sorata gave an excited howl. "BUNNY?"

Fuuma's eyes sparkled excitedly, but Seishirou was the first to speak. "The Sand Witch has servants everywhere! We have to take her fortress step by step!"

But Fuuma already went dashing down the center of the store screaming for the missing rabbit, and Sorata was playing finger paints in a puddle of blood.

Kakyou struck a heroic pose. "I swear by this 80 cotton cape, that Captain Kakyou will not halt in his pursuit of evil!" His eyes lit up as he glanced to the left of the store. "Otis! Look at all the hippo treats!" And he skipped away, leaving Seishirou alone.

"Just a little longer, Suby! I'm almost there!" exclaimed Seishirou as he charged away to the right.

_-----a few moments later-----_

_Location: The Pet Accessories Section_

The sleek tile floors were completely littered as animal collar after animal collar was tossed away. Kakyou sighed, and leaned against a Petco shopping cart overflowing with three industrial-sized bags of cat litter, seventy-two packs of low-fat hippo treats, a goldfish bowl, and a giant ball of yarn.

"Sorry Otis…there just isn't a collar here big enough for hippos," apologized Kakyou. "Oh well! You don't need a collar to prove that you're special anyway!" (sentimental moment with invisible hippo…everyone: AWWWWW….)

Kakyou abruptly jumped back to his feet. "Holy hepatitis, Otis! I think we've fallen into a trap!" Just then, an army of guinea pigs scampered into the area, their teeth dripping with blood. Kakyou gasped. "The henchmen of the Sand Witch! Come, we must spring into action!"

Out of thin air came an energetic 60's fighting tune, and Kakyou dashed to the first group of furry animals. He threw a punch into the air above the animals. _POW!_ Next he kicked the nearest one into a pile of leashes. _BOFF!_

But, oh no! Those guinea pigs are tricky little devils, and one managed to take a bite into the Dreamseer's leg! _OUCH! RABIES!_

In a badly choreographed moment, Kakyou swung behind the shopping cart and rolled it at the guinea pigs, taking a few fuzzy limbs off in the process. _BIFF! AMPUTATION!_

But those furry henchmen are just no good! And several began breaking into the bags of hippo treats. _MUNCH! SALMONELA!_

Kakyou dropped to his knees. "NO! THOSE ARE FOR OTIS!" _PISSED! _He grabbed one of the bags of cat litter, and dropped it on two of the guinea pigs._ CRUSH! DEAD!_

Out of nowhere came hundreds of guinea pigs surrounding him. SWARM! "Oh no! Otis! They're too much for us! Run!" exclaimed Kakyou as he disappeared beneath the wave of animals. The little creatures growled as they jumped up and down his sides while tying Kakyou's arms and legs. He struggled with all his might, but it was to no avail.

When the guinea pigs cleared off, Kakyou was bound and gagged with several pet leashes, and was slowly being dragged across the store. The guinea pigs continued pulling their victim until they had reached the pet house section. The entire area was in ruins; the lighting had failed, and the pet homes were arranged in a high tower.

From that tower bellowed a wicked voice. "Meow, meow, meow…"

_Location: Hamster World_

Seishirou tip-toed across the tiles, armed with his trusty Saran Wrap. "Ssh! Be very, very quiet…I'm hunting Sand Witches!"

His eyes fell back on the floor, and he quickly halted when he spotted yet another evil minion of the dreaded Sand Witch trying to ambush him with a super-secret attack! …not exactly. It actually was a chestnut hamster writhing in a pool of Martha Stewart Brand Chartreuse hair dye, its eyes bulging in excruciating pain as its fragile bones dissolved in the poison, and it let out a terrible squeak that eerily sounded like "kill me". All the same, it was an evil minion.

"The Sand Witch is sending out her henchmen!" cried Seishirou as he rolled out another sheet of Saran Wrap. "I must be getting close now!" He then quickly wrapped up the suffering, and now, choking hamster as it let out another agonized plea for death. He then chucked the little rodent across the store, and took another step into Hamster World.

Seishirou suddenly became very shocked, for as he treaded deeper into the World of Hamsters he found himself surrounded by hundreds of tormented chartreuse animals. "The fiend! She must be very close to attack me with her full army of darkness." Seishirou gazed to the ceiling. "I'm close now, Subaru-kun! So close!"

And he tore off another piece of Saran Wrap and confronted the dying 'army of darkness' one by one.

Meanwhile…

_Location: Petco Entrance_

Kamui excitedly folded his hands. "Look, Pink Minion! Before us lies the land of wonders!"

Yuuto scratched his head. "What are we doing here, your majesty?"

Kamui scowled at the Water Master. "Fool! By now you should know that there is one thing, and one thing only that I need to conquer this city and become the Fairy Queen!"

"Stretchy pants?" guessed Yuuto.

The other stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm…excellent thought. Note to self: stretchy pants…then the world!" But he quickly shook away the idea and turned his attention back to the Petco. "No! WINGS! I must have wings to rule the pixies! And we can take them here!"

"But why Petco and not Petsmart?" asked Yuuto.

"Because Petsmart is a hideous knock-off of Petco, and is for white trash commoners with meaningless nights alone in front of a T.V., that's why!"

Yuuto looked to his feet. "But Petsmart is Pets Smart…"

"Enough!" growled Kamui. "We must venture into this store and obtain wings! And quickly! Beverly Hills 90210 is almost on!"

He pushed the door open, but when he faced the death and destruction of the store, Kamui gasped. "The bird section is ruined!" he cried in disgust. "Sabotage! SABOTAGE!"

"Look, your majesty!" exclaimed Yuuto while pointing to the ceiling of the store. "A bird still remains!"

"Excellent, work, Pink Minion! Now swiftly, we must take its wings!" The canary that was perched up on the ceiling gave a loud squawk, and flew off to the other side of the store.

"Curses!" shouted Kamui. "We'll cut the winged rat off! You go that way, I'll go somewhere else! Now, run Pink Minion! Run with all your might!"

Yuuto pouted. "We wouldn't have to run if we were at Petsmart…"

_Location: Pet Treats Area_

Lying all over the floor were empty packages of animal treats ranging from Hairball Control Cat Treats to goldfish flakes. At the center of the mess was Sorata who was munching on a barrel of Bacon Bone Dog Treats.

Sorata stuck another Bacon Bone into his mouth with an exhilarated cry. "YUMMY MEAT!" However, his snack time was cut short when a ferret hurriedly rushed past him. "BUNNY?" Sorata rose to his feet, and chased after the critter.

As his chase led him farther and farther away from the pet treats, the distant clanking of a sword grew louder. "BUNNY, WAIT!" he exclaimed as he trudged after the running ferret.

The creature then abruptly turned into a clearing in the store, where dozens more rushed forward to attack the last employee of Petco. Arashi huffed in exhaustion as she wildly swung her sword to ward off the homicidal ferrets. "They just keep coming!" she yelled to herself.

Sorata clapped his hands as he watched the girl fight off the animals. "PRETTY!"

Arashi briefly glanced up. "Not now, Sorata, I'm busy!" she exclaimed irritably as her sword plowed into another ferret. However, not even three seconds had passed when she looked up again. "SORATA? What are you wearing? And why is your hair green?"

Sorata stomped over to her, and stroked her hand. "PRETTY…"

Arashi blushed, but pulled away nonetheless. "Now is not the time!" Yet another bloodthirsty ferret pounced on her shoulder, its hair ruffling into the air. Sorata's nose began to twitch, and before Arashi could take cover, it was too late.

"ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!" Sorata then glared at the ferret on Arashi's shoulder indignantly. "MINE!" He growled, and he pushed the ferret off. However, when his eyes went back to Arashi, she was staring forward blankly as the insanity began to grip her too. He all of the sudden became bored, and walked away from the girl, leaving the ferrets to overwhelm her.

_Location: Aquarium_

Kamui slumped against the nearest fish tank in defeat; he had lost sight of the canary. "Now I'll never get wings and I'll never throw all of Tokyo into a spinning hell of despair…" he whimpered.

However, the fish tanks around him began to glow mystically, their blue light drawing Kamui's attention. His gazed curiously at the fish, whose swimming motions began to speak to him. Glub…glubglub…glub…

Kamui blinked. "Glubglub?"

The fish danced around the tank. Glub!

Kamui leapt into the air. "THAT'S IT! I'll glubglub…and glublyglub all you fish! Then you can glub and glub as loyal servants! MUAHAHAHAHA! The doom of all is at hand!"

_Location: Mouse Department_

Yuuto doubled over panting. "Where…is….that…bird?" he asked himself between puffs. However, the moment he straightened himself to continue the pursuit for the canary, a sharp squeak erupted from behind him. He turned around to find about fifty mice facing him.

"Well hello there, little guys!" he chirped sweetly.

The mice all bowed down before him, squeaking some sort of chant. Then a single mouse timidly approached Yuuto with a block of cheese.

Yuuto's eyes teared up. "Is that? Is that for me?" The mouse nodded at him. "This is all I ever wanted!" He lowered his left hand to the mouse's level, and a ball of Code Red swirled above his palm. "Here my little friend! Have a taste of heaven!"

The mouse let out an excited squeak. However, the moment it ran up and tasted the caffeinated beverage, it spontaneously combusted. Yuuto's eyes widened. "Oops."

All of the other mice suddenly let out an angry growl and displayed their razor sharp teeth. Yuuto sweat-dropped. "Oh, bother…"

"OW! THAT HURTS! MY EARS! NO! DON'T BITE THAT! AAAAAH!"

_Location: Pet Toy Aisle_

Fuuma let tears roll from his eyes. "Pedro is gone for-for-forever! Because he does-does-does-doesn't like me! PEDRO? WHY?" He buried his head in his chest. "We were going to do so many things together…destroy so many lives…WHY'D YOU GO AWAY?" Fuuma banged his head against the nearest shelf. "I MISS YOU! I WANT YOU BACK! I WANT—"

Fuuma's tantrum was interrupted when a soft object plummeted down on his head from the shelf. He stared down to find the item on his lap, and squealed with joy. It was a plush animal of some kind…a really ugly one, either a cross between a rhino and a giraffe…or perhaps a zebra and a blender. Still, when Fuuma's eyes fell on the hideous stuffed animal, he was overwhelmed with joy.

He hugged the creature. "Your name's Mr. Huggles, and you're my new friend!" he exclaimed happily. "Come on Mr. Huggles! Let's take over Tokyo together!"

"Not so fast!" exclaimed a familiar voice. Kamui stood over him, his arms menacingly folded. "If anyone's going to take over Tokyo, it's gonna be ME!" Behind him were several fish bowls teaming with goldfish. "Forth, my henchmen! Attack!"

_Location: Pet House Section_

The guinea pigs and ferrets danced and squeaked around their victims, who were strapped to a scratching post. On one side Kakyou sat struggling against the leashes that bound him, and on the other, Arashi laid unconscious, her sword taken from her.

"You ruthless fiends! Just wait until Otis gets here! Then you'll be sorry!" shouted Kakyou.

"MEOW!" exclaimed a voice, and ferrets and guinea pigs quieted. From the top of the pet house tower sat Subaru, his head decorated by feathered pet toys. He leaned forward, and spoke to the captured Dreamseer. "Meow meow meow meow mew meeeowww…."

Kakyou gasped. "What do you mean Otis has switched sides?"

Subaru gestured to the right. "Meow…"

"Otis?" cried Kakyou. "Otis! It's me! Get me outta here!"

Nothing.

The Dreamseer's eyes filled with tears. "But Otis…you're more than a partner to me…you're my friend!"

Still nothing.

Subaru howled in triumph. "Meow-mew Meow!"

"OTIS!"

Elsewhere…

_Location?_

Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo frowned at the Possess-O spinner. All of the other, uh…'players' had disappeared, and he was the only one who remained. "Dammit…" he hissed. "And I thought I would've gotten Kamui for sure that time, not Jay Leno…"

He took a deep breath. "Well this is my last chance!" And he gave the dial a spin. The spinner whirled around faster than the eye could see, but moment by moment, it was slowing, and Martin began to sweat more every second. Finally the spinner slowed to a section of the dial labeled 'Fuuma', and he jumped with excitement. "YES!"

However, when Martin had jumped, he had accidentally knocked the dial to the next name over, labeled 'random'. Martin vanished in a great explosion, and his mind began to swirl uncontrollably.

When he next opened his eyes, he was facing Kamui and the goldfish. "Muahahahaha! You will now bow before Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo!" What he was expecting was a cry of fear, or a plea to spare a life. Instead he got a blank stare. It was then he noticed something was terribly amiss. For when he looked up, he saw Fuuma staring down at him.

Martin sweat-dropped. If both 'Kamui's were in front of him…who did he become?

Fuuma peered closer at him, his eyes full of concern. "Mr. Huggles?"

And that's the end of chapter 9! Will Martin ever take over Tokyo? Will Kakyou and Arashi escape Subaru and the homicidal rodents? Will Seishirou catch the Sand Witch? Will I ever finish this fic? Find out most of the answers in chapter 10! Later!


	10. Friends Are Good

Disclaimer: The last time I conspired to own X wasn't pretty…let's just say it involved a mass amount of seaweed and some sporks . (cry) If only it were mine…

So it's like this. I made a bet to lay off sugar for five days…and quite frankly, I can't take it anymore. The walls are laughing at me, I'm seeing vivid illusions of ice cream, and everywhere I go there's a chocolate bar winking at me…and it's only been one day. Pray for me, while you enjoy this sugar-free presentation of chapter ten of X madness!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.10 Friends Are Good**

_Location: Pet Toy Aisle_

Fuuma stared down at the stuffed toy in his arms with alarm. "Mr. Huggles? Are you feeling all right?"

The creature irritably jumped out of Fuuma's hold, and laughed maniacally. "See me for what I am! I am Mar…" He trailed off to find himself staring up at the two 'Kamui's from the ground. He raised an accusing finger. "What sort of shrinking spell is…?" Again, Martin lost his words as another shocking discovery drew his attention: he didn't have an accusing finger.

He stared down at his hand to find that they were only gray stumps. He blinked. "What the…" His eyes went to the rest of his body, leaving him with yet another unfinished sentence. Today was a very difficult day for Martin. As he studied what he had become, his stomach lurched…well, that is, if he still had a stomach. He was inside the body of a deformed dog toy.

"Shit." Martin fell over in a panic attack. "Never trust Milton Bradley…"

However, Kamui was losing his patience. "You can no longer stall!" He turned to command the fish in the goldfish bowls. "Attack, my dark, otherworldly servants! Glub him! Glub him!" The fish only danced around in the water, but Kamui was howling wickedly. "It is too late to beg for mercy! Feel the wrath of the Fairy Queen!"

Fuuma, meanwhile, was more concerned with his 'Mr. Huggles'. His eyes were large and full of worry as he approached the stuffed animal. "Mr. Huggles! What's the matter with you?"

Martin lied on the floor, doing the best imitation of a fetal position that a stuffed animal could do, as he assessed the situation. The evil conqueror of Tokyo had been sealed inside the body of stuffed animal, and was currently surrounded by two drugged idiots. "Double-shit." He couldn't quite find a bright side to anything, but after a long pause of self-reflection, he rose to face Fuuma.

"'Mr. Huggles' is dead!" growled the animal. "Fear me, and my path of destruction, for I am MARTIN, DESTROYER OF TOKYO!"

Both 'Kamui's blinked. "Martin?" they exclaimed in unison.

"Yes, rue my name, for it shall bring death and anguish over you all!"

Fuuma continued to step closer to the ticked off stuffed animal. "Mr. Huggles!" However, that step was his last as Martin gave him a hard kick in the shin. Fuuma tumbled to the ground with a yelp. He gazed at the toy with a hurtful expression. "Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what you're doing right now?"

But Martin was already stomping off toward the Petco exit. "I…am…Martin."

Fuuma outstretched one arm, his face gleaming in hot tears. "Mr. Huggles…"

_Location: Pet House Section_

The light covering the entire area was still flickering ominously, adding to evil animals' glee. The guinea pigs and ferrets let out their high-pitched squeals of amusement as they scurried over the pet houses, looking down on their prey. Kakyou continued to struggle out of the leather leashes' hold to no avail as the unconscious Arashi's weight held the scratching post that they were tied to down.

The animals began to chant rhythmically over the two in anticipation for what was to become of them, their voices melding into one melodic beat. That rhythm quickened with every moment until their leader gave a sharp meow, and they silenced.

Subaru was planted on all fours over the highest pet tower, a wide grin playing across his face. "Meow! Mew-mew meow, mew meow!" He called to the invisible golden hippo.

(translation: Otis! Release the monsters!)

"Otis, don't do it!" protested Kakyou. But it was too late. A distant whine sounded as a cage door was thrown open, and the Dreamseer paled. Emerging all around the scratching post were dozens of baby turtles. The ferrets and guinea pigs were exhilarated. "You nefarious dog!" shouted Kakyou while the tiny reptiles slowly edged closer.

Subaru only giggled maliciously. The creatures resumed their chanting as the lights continued to flicker on and off with their voices. Subaru and the animals had won! The day was his! Nothing could stop him! He was immortal! He was—

"Inuki, bad dog!" exclaimed a shrill, annoying voice. Suddenly the lights came back on, and the furry creatures scurried away. Yuzuriha angrily climbed up to the tower, and threw a leash over the Omnyouji's neck. "You know you're supposed to vanquish your nemeses in a cliché fashion only on Thursdays!"

Subaru sweat-dropped. "Mew?"

Yuzuriha's hands went to her sides as her scowl deepened. "Well, I don't care if you're their king of darkness! You come down with me this second!" With a yank of the leash, Subaru plunged to the tile floors with a loud thud. Yuzuriha, oblivious to the other's pain or Kakyou's cries for help, began to drag him away from the pet house section. "Now come on, Inuki! I found the cutest doggie clothes ever!"

"Not so fast!" Yuzuriha whirled around to find a shadow staring her down. "You won't be taking him a step farther!" The shadow emerged into the light. "You evil Sand Witch!" Seishirou towered over her brandishing his trusty Saran Wrap.

Kakyou's face brightened. "You've come! I knew you would!"

However, the Sakurazukamori did not bat an eye at the Dreamseer. "You took him from me…now give him back!"

Yuzuriha glared at Seishirou. "Inuki is my dog! MINE!" she growled as she threw her arms over Subaru.

Seishirou's eyes were consumed by a maddened flare. "GIVE…ME…BACK…MY SUBARU-KUN!"

"You'll get Inuki when you pry him from my cold dead fingers!" shot back Yuzuriha.

He smiled with a homicidal glint in his eye, and began pulling out some Saran Wrap. "Oh really?"

Yuzuriha straightened. "Bring it on…OLD MAN!"

_----seven screams, five moans, and twenty sheets of Saran Wrap later----_

"Get back here! I'm not finished with you yet! Gimme my Inuki!" shrieked Yuzuriha as she wriggled in a Saran Wrap cocoon in a shopping cart. Seishirou stood there admiring his handiwork until he realized that Subaru was no longer in the vicinity.

"Blast!" cursed Seishirou before running off. "Come back! I must protect my darling Suby from all who will harm him!"

"Wait! No! Save me!" moaned Kakyou. Seishirou dashed away nonetheless, leaving him and Arashi alone to be slowly, but eventually consumed by confused baby turtles. Kakyou moped. "First Otis…and now you. No one wants to be Captain Kakyou's friend…"

_Location: Pet Toy Aisle_

Kamui was tapping his foot impatiently. "As I've been saying, Tokyo is mine…you will perish on this day by the Fairy Queen's—"

Fuuma remained weeping on the ground. "Mr. Huggles…come back…"

The other was beginning to become very cross. "When I make an evil threat I would at least expect you to listen to it! Now, then, I'm going to destroy you and your—"

"Please come back! I'm nothing without you!" he pleaded. "I can change!" Kamui bitterly slapped him across the face. Fuuma looked up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Mr. Huggles?"

"Mr. Huggles is gone, and he isn't coming back!" shouted Kamui. "And that doesn't change the fact that I'm still going to kill all of you and make you my pixie servants!" He paused thoughtfully. "Perhaps not in that order, though…"

"But Mr. Huggles…" continued on Fuuma.

A vein popped on Kamui's forehead. "Screw you. If you're more interested in your misshapen toy than my vile rantings, I'll just have to join this Martin and destroy Tokyo, so there!" He turned to the goldfish bowls. "Come, my servants, we must summon the Pink Minion and rain chaos and destruction over all of Tokyo!" he said before skipping away.

_Location: Pet Treats Aisle_

Sorata had never bothered to clean up the dog treats he was chewing on (not that he would have if he were still sane) but all the clutter in that aisle did not stop Subaru from find every container of catnip and spilling it onto the floor. Considering the Happy Dart disease, the hallucinogenic pills, not to mention all of the ice cream he had eaten, it probably was a bad idea. Not that it stopped him from rolling around in that massive pile of catnip.

Subaru was giggling uncontrollably, covered from head to toe in the stuff when Seishirou had found him. "SUBARU! At last!" he exclaimed as he embraced other.

The Omnyouji laughed hysterically. "MEW!" he screamed, and his laughter became louder (if that was possible).

Seishirou held the younger man so tight that his bouts of laughter became a struggle for air. "My Subaru-kun! What have they done to you? They transformed you into this…this beast!"

Subaru gasped for air in the Sakurazukamori's hold. "M-mew?"

"But Seishirou-san will make it all better!" He then released Subaru, and snatched a handful of cat treats. "With this magic elf powder, you will be free!" he shrieked at the top of his lungs as he pelted Subaru with the cat food.

Subaru coughed for air, but when he looked back up at Seishirou, everything was going wavy again. As his head was wrenched in all directions, the 'magic elf powder' suddenly lit up in a brilliant aura, and engulfed him. He let out a soft moan, the combination of the dizziness and hallucination too much. However, when he next blinked open his eyes, he was not spinning anymore.

Subaru stared at his hands in awe, no longer seeing himself as a dog. "I'm alive!" he exclaimed. "And I'm a real boy!"

Seishirou leaned forward with a seductive smile. "I'll say…"

(Author sweat-drops before smacking self…Seishirou's acting like Seishirou, and we can't have that as he is drugged .)

Subaru began another fit of laughter. "The ceiling! It tells funny jokes!"

Seishirou snatched Subaru's leash. "Now, my Subaru-kun! We must escape this evil place, for THEY are plotting against you…and we can get an ice cream too : p"

Subaru excitedly followed the leash's pull. "Weeee!"

_Location: Pet House Section_

Arashi groaned when consciousness poured back into her. "Wha…where am I?"

Kakyou whimpered at her back. "The turtles are coming…we're all going to die because no one likes me anymore!"

But to his surprise Arashi started laughing, the madness already settled in her eyes. "You can despair all you want, little man! But vicious, life-sucking turtles are no match for Arashi, Warrior Princess of Uranus!" She shouted while the baby turtles edged a little closer.

His eyes widened with hope. "Warrior Princess…then maybe…!"

"That's right! I'll destroy them all piece by piece with my sword! Muahahaha!" But suddenly she paled, realizing that she was swordless. "My sword! Where's my sword? Oh no, I'm going to die, strapped to this moron, someone help me!" she wailed.

A silence hovered over them as the turtles approached, their eyes now red and angry. Kakyou glanced wishfully at the panicking girl. "…Will you be my friend?"

"A warrior princess doesn't have friends! She has sidekicks and underlings!" replied Arashi as she struggled to get free.

"I'm already a superhero. I can be a warrior princess, too…honest!" begged Kakyou, his eyes innocent and pleading.

After a long while of useless squirming, she paused at length. "…fine."

Kakyou beamed. "I have a friend!" He glanced around him pensively as the turtles began growling at him. He brightened. "I know how to get out of here!"

Arashi whipped her head back to the Dreamseer. "Well, how?"

"Do you want to know?"

She gritted her teeth. "Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"…………………………………………….I forgot."

Arashi fell over, taking the entire scratching post with her, but strangely, she did not hear Kakyou fall to the ground. Out of nowhere, a delicate hand offered itself to her.

Kakyou was standing over her, free from the leather leashes. "You alright?"

Arashi stared. "You escaped!" she exclaimed in disbelief.

He smiled as he untied her. "That's 'cause Captain Kakyou has a friend!"

The instant he untied her, she leapt up proudly in the air holding onto his hand. "We the Warrior Princesses, will meet the evil turtle enemy in battle!"

Kakyou's eyes shimmered with desire. "But they have squeaky toys in aisle two!"

Arashi blinked. "Squeaky toys? Yay, let's go!" she yelled as she dragged the Dreamseer with her.

"Hello? Can anyone hear me? I'm still trapped in here!" screamed Yuzuriha from the shopping cart.

And all of the sudden, those bloodthirsty baby turtles found a new victim…

_Location: Pet Accessories Aisle_

Sorata stomped through the Petco aisles to find Fuuma crying on the floor. Sorata tilted his head curiously. "SAD? WHY?"

From the other side of the aisle, Arashi and Kakyou began cooing at all the stuffed toys around them. "I love squeaky toys!" exclaimed Kakyou happily.

Fuuma continued to sob. "Mr. Huggles…"

However, Sorata's eyes suddenly obtained a cat-like glow, and his voice had become distant and wise. "Listen, Fuuma. As long as you remain here away from reality, nothing will start and nothing will end. You must come back to us with a wish for the future."

Fuuma looked up. "A wish…will it come true?"

"That depends on you…" Sorata burped, and his eyes were back to normal again. "SORATA EAT BAD DOGGIE BONE?"

Fuuma, nevertheless, had pulled himself together. "A wish…of course. The future has yet to be decided!" He struck a dramatic pose. "I couldn't protect Mr. Chaos, but…Mr. Huggles. I want to bring Mr. Huggles back. That…is my wish."

And chapter 10 concludes! What will become of Kamui's plot to destroy Tokyo? How will Fuuma bring Mr. Huggles back? What the hell is wrong with Sorata? Find out next chapter!


	11. Special Friends, Unite!

Disclaimer: If I owned X, all the bishies would be chibified plushies which I would hug forever and ever.

Welcome to my personal sugarless hell, day 4. Yep, 4 days without sugar and somehow I'm still standing- I might just win the bet! Chocolate is the enemy…without it I am strong! …please, dear god, someone help me… In other news, I've achieved the day-long dream of getting to chapter 11 of X madness, so without anymore pathetic whining on my part, enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

Ch. 11 Special Friends, Unite!

_Location: Mouse Department_

Kamui hot-headedly stomped down the aisles; he had searched the entire Petco for his Pink Minion, and nothing had come of it. He sighed as he found the entire mouse department not only devoid of Yuuto but all of the mice in the store. He growled in frustration, and began to angrily jump up and down, a tantrum in the works, but before he could shout out any expletives to the empty mouse department, a familiar shriek sounded nearby.

Kamui perked his head up. "That sounds like the excruciating, tormented scream of the Pink Minion! But where is it coming from?" Another pained outcry echoed, this time louder in volume as Kamui paced around the area. A wide smile spread across his face. "All I have to do is follow the agonized horrible screaming of my one and only ally and we can go back to conquering the city!" He chirped happily.

Just as he finished saying those words, the loudest shriek yet rang from a door marked 'Employees Only'. Kamui threw open the door, and merrily skipped down the hall as Yuuto's cries became clearer and shriller. But Yuuto was not the only one that Kamui could hear. As he cheerfully made his way along the backrooms, his ears could make out many faint squeaks chanting as one. Suddenly, the last room down the hall flared with crimson light.

"Pink Min—ion!" called Kamui in a singsong voice. Sure enough another scream sounded from that doorway, and Kamui rushed to the entrance. However, he was not prepared for the sight that confronted him.

The entire floor was moving as thousands of white mice bowed in unison toward a deep hole from which hot lava and flames swirled up forbiddingly before an altar for some dark mouse god. Around the fire pit were dozens of charred skeletons of unfortunate mice sacrificed to the altar, and above them dangled Yuuto, his neck wreathed in flowers while his body was tied by cat toy strings.

The fire pit growled, and another flame shot up at Yuuto causing him to let out a panicked scream. However, after all the crying from the terrible pain, his eyes glowed excitedly at the sight of Kamui. "Your majesty! So how have you been lately?"

Kamui impatiently put his hands to his sides. "Pink Minion! You get your ass down here—you can get tortured by maniacal cult mice anytime you want, but right now I have to become the Imperial Fairy Queen of Tokyo!"

"Sorry your majesty, but the mice captured me, and are offering me as a sacrifice to their dark god so that they will be given an eternal reign over the rat people!" apologized Yuuto as the mice continued to chant.

Kamui frowned. "I don't care if you—" He suddenly focused at what exactly the mice were chanting, and paled considerably.

"M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E!" They squeaked together. Kamui's eyes went back to the altar, and his jaw dropped when he realized that the god that they were worshipping was no ordinary evil mouse lord. A Mickey Mouse doll was propped up on the altar, crowned with a string of mouse skulls.

Kamui sweat-dropped, and his eyes widened. "HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE SACRIFICING HIM TO MICKEY MOUSE!"

_Location: Pet Accessories Aisle_

Seishirou was grinning ear to ear as he bounced into the aisle while giving Subaru a piggy-back ride. "WHOOOOOSH! Ride the horsey!" he exclaimed.

The Onmyouji had spread his arms out, and was giggling obnoxiously as Seishirou entered the aisle. "Weee! I'm flying! I'm a duck!"

Seishirou stopped dead in his footsteps, and his expression became grave. "Ducks, you say, Suby-kun?" His wide eyes fell on a duck squeaky toy, and he quickly lowered a disappointed Subaru to reach in his coat pocket for the Saran Wrap.

While Seishirou was engaged in his battle with the evil ducks, Kakyou happily clung onto Arashi's arm. "I have a friend!" he exclaimed.

Seishirou kicked a mummified duck toy to the side. "Oh yeah, well, Subaru-kun's special! That makes him my 'special' friend!"

Subaru smiled, and wrapped his arms around the Sakurazukamori's neck. "Special friend!" he repeated proudly.

Arashi pouted, and dug her nails into Kakyou's hand, causing him to cringe in pain. "Well, he's my special friend!" she shouted back as she gestured at the squeaking Dreamseer.

Sorata curiously tapped Fuuma on the back. "SORATA'S SPECIAL FRIEND?"

Fuuma did not keep his eyes off the shelf of stuffed animals that Mr. Huggles had fallen from. "I had a special friend once…long ago." He dramatically turned to face everyone. "MY NAME IS FUUMA, AND I LOST MY SPECIAL FRIEND!"

Everyone: Hi Fuuma!

Fuuma lowered his head. "And now he's gone…but even if I have to hurt him…I'm getting Mr. Huggles back!"

Kakyou approached him resolutely. "Then as special friends, we have to get him back together!"

Everyone else nodded in agreement. "Special Friends!"

_Location: Employee Backroom_

Yuuto continued to scream as the flames jumped up at his feet, the mice slowly letting the ropes that held him fall closer and closer into the pit. "Your majesty!" he begged.

Kamui swallowed hard as he looked into the dangerous eyes of the Mickey Mouse doll. "There's only one way to end this…and I'll only get one shot!"

The mice, heedless of their new visitor, kept on chanting. "M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E—"

"DONALD DUCK!" yelled Kamui. All the mice quieted, and turned to him with an astonished gasp. "Bring it, ya lab rodents!" he challenged, and the mice swarmed over to attack.

_---------Five minutes later--------_

"M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U—"

Kamui dangled over the flames next to Yuuto. "Damn you, Pink Minion!" he yelled.

"There are too many of them, your majesty!" despaired Yuuto. Another flame rushed up to them, but before any of them could scream, a large amount of Code Red extinguished the entire fire pit.

Kamui gaped at the Water Master. "That fire REALLY stings! I got sick of it," explained Yuuto.

"You mean all this time you could have put out the fire pit!" growled Kamui.

"Fire pit? What fire pit?" Yuuto glanced below him, and a smile registered on his face. "How about that! I was wondering where the fire was coming from!"

"Baka…" hissed Kamui. "Now if we could only get out of here…"

Suddenly, a shopping cart screeched into the room, running over several mice and caused a great deal more to flee in terror. The cart then rolled into the cat strings that bound Kamui and Yuuto over the fire pit, severing them with ease. With a final thud, it hit the wall, tipped over, and a cocooned figure squirmed out.

"A miracle!" exclaimed Yuuto. "Even now, the Magic Taco smiles upon me! Praise the Magic Taco!"

Kamui, however, was more concerned with brushing off the ashes that coated his pink dress. "My dress is ruined!" he cried. "Now I'm really pissed off!" His eyes narrowed, and the remaining mice were vaporized in the blink of an eye.

As Yuuto shamelessly bowed in worship for the Magic Taco, his attention fell on the wriggling cocoon. He blinked as it slowly inched its way to him. "Caterpillar?"

A muffled cry moaned through the thick sheets of Saran Wrap.

"An evil talking Butterfly! Your majesty!" Yuuto shouted while cowering behind Kamui's back.

"Worthless slave!" admonished Kamui. "I will take care of this!"

"Mmm-fmmmff mm ffmmmffmm!" moaned the voice beneath the Saran Wrap.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" queried Kamui.

"MMM-FMMMFF MM FFMMMFFMM!"

"Oh." Kamui turned back to Yuuto. "It says it's not a butterfly." He then casually approached the figure, and removed a portion of the Saran Wrap to find Yuzuriha staring back.

"Finally! I'm free!" she exclaimed cheerfully. "I was hoping that if I was able to move the cart I'd find people!

"What is it, your majesty?" whispered Yuuto.

Kamui smiled. "It's you!" He pointed at his pink hair. "The Dark Mistress who gave me the power of Pinkish Wrath! What say you?"

"They took my Inuki!" cried Yuzuriha.

"Join us, then, Mistress of Darkness! Join us and reclaim what is rightfully yours!" urged Kamui.

"Can I dye his hair?" asked Yuzuriha enthusiastically, her head motioning toward Yuuto.

Yuuto stroked his hair lovingly. "MY hair!"

But Kamui had waved away his servant's protest, and unwrapped the girl. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever you want."

"Woohoo! I'm in!"

"Excellent! Now we must find the final one who will destroy Tokyo, another evil ally from far away! MUAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Kamui.

_Location: Pet Accessories Aisle_

Fuuma looked up and smiled at the others. "All of you…are my special friends! But we must get back another one of us that has been taken. It'll be hard work, and at the end of it we might die or even miss 'American Idol'…who will join me?"

"Captain Kakyou never deserts a special friend in need!"

"Neither does a Warrior Princess!" chimed in Arashi.

"Special Friend!" exclaimed a laughing Subaru.

"If Suby-kun says yes then I do too!" agreed Seishirou.

"SORATA HUNGRY!"

"Then it's settled!" Fuuma held his hand out, and they all gathered in a huddle.

"SPECIAL FRIENDS, UNITE!"

"Muahahahaha!" exclaimed an evil voice. "You may have won today, Special Friends, but the war is only beginning!" They turned around to find Kamui, Yuuto, and Yuzuriha standing on the shelf over them.

"It's the end for all of you!" agreed Yuzuriha.

"And we're going to…make you feel bad and stuff." Yuuto paused in confusion before laughing with the other two. "Teeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

Yuzuriha and Kamui stared. "A villain 'muaha's, NOT 'teehee's!" growled Kamui as he approached Yuuto angrily. However, when Kamui took his first step, the shelf they were standing on began to wobble, and collapsed under them.

Following a thick cloud of dust, Kamui jumped up from the ruins. "Your days are numbered, Special Friends!" He exclaimed before dragging the other two out of Petco.

Sorata gazed after them, his eyes and voice once again different. "My son, Yuuto…he has strayed from the meaty path of enlightenment! He has shamed his savior."

Arashi walked over to Sorata in awe. "Magic Taco?"

Everyone: o.O

"It is!" cried Arashi. "He is the magnificent Magic Taco!"

"I reside within this human who has eaten my flesh and taken my soul into his body," replied the Magic Taco's voice from the possessed Sorata. "I must beg of you. Stop my servant Yuuto and his companions from destroying this blessed city. Please save Yuuto…"

_Location: Outside Petco_

Kamui stared forward into the large city that stood before him. "Somewhere there is a Destroyer of Tokyo who waits for our help."

Yuuto raised an eyebrow. "Destroyer of Tokyo, your majesty?"

"Yes…a mighty conqueror named Martin."

The other two gaped at their leader. "Martin?"

Kamui nodded. "His name is Martin…and we must find him!"

"But how are we ever gonna do that?" asked Yuzuriha.

Yuuto's eyes fell to the ground. "I don't know how I would find a Destroyer of Tokyo." However, his face lit up as an idea hit him. "But I do know someone who does!"

End of Ch. 11. Will the Special Friends stop Kamui and his minions? What has become of Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo? Who else is fated to be claimed by the Happy Dart madness? Find out next chapter! Later!


	12. Gathering

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would dip Kanoe into a pool of acid infested with three-eyed piranhas with guns tied to their heads and just laugh maniacally.

Ah, the bet is over, and I have three bags of chocolate…strike that, ONE bag of chocolate as of now. Chocolate, how could I have forsaken thee? Oh, and I just wanted to say that the lovely reviewer Meirav brought up a very excellent point . But consider this: if the bishies are in chibi form it'll be much harder for them to escape, and duct tape combined with hand-cuffs is just a messy alternative XD. Well, anyway here is chapter 12! Enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.12 Gathering**

_Location: Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

Satsuki raced through a world devoid of needless emotion and tormenting boredom. It was her world, a dimension isolated from the mundane squabbles of what humans called reality, it was dark, but never lonely, secluded, but never finite. As she dashed through her world of 0s and 1s, she was content to be free with the glaring lights that hummed over her and the persistent computer tones sounding with her every step.

Beepbeepbeepbeep…she ran down the maze, snatching every white orb in her path, careful to avoid the colorful ghosts that chased after her. However, the orange and pink specters were closing in, and the nearest power pill was too far away! She quickened her pace; she could not lose now, not when she had gotten to level 99!

Her cold eyes widened as she realized that she had fallen into a dead end with no escape as the few remaining ghosts chomped their way closer. This was it…this was the end. She stared her enemies down emotionlessly, preparing herself for the worst when…

"Satsuki? Satsuki? Do you have a moment?" requested a deep, minimally feminine voice.

The Mrs. Pacman game faded into the black screen, and when she blinked her eyes open, she looked down from Beast's embrace. Kanoe stood under the computer dressed in a skimpy nurse's outfit with a hat labeled 'Nurse Feel-good'. Satsuki simply did not want to know.

Beast's thread-like wires withdrew from her body, and after pulling up the visor around her eyes, Satsuki leapt away from the super computer. "Kanoe," she replied curtly.

Kanoe lightly paced the floor. "Satsuki, do you know where Yuuto is? It's not like him to be an hour late for an appointment in my bed—er, that fancy restaurant…"

Her expression did not change. "Restaurant?"

Kanoe smiled slyly. "Yeah, you know the one…that new Greek restaurant down the street."

"The same one you took the Mayor, two postmen, and a monkey on a unicycle to?" queried Satsuki.

Kanoe straightened her nurse's cap, and nodded. "Now that I think of it, I have not seen 'Kamui' here all day…and I was certain that our Dreamseer resided in that bedroom down the hall…"

"About that…" began Satsuki.

THUD!

"Yuuto, 'Kamui', and the Dreamseer—"

THUD! THUD!

"They were unfortunately—"

Suddenly a large hole blasted through the sliding doors of the chamber, shooting debris in all directions. Three figures emerged from the opening, and as the dust was clearing, the foremost of them let out an evil laugh.

"All revere the glory that is the FAIRY QUEEN!" screamed Kamui.

Both Yuuto and Yuzuriha were clapping. "You're so cool, your majesty!" exclaimed Yuzuriha.

"Nothing less from my liege!" agreed Yuuto.

Behind them, the broken doors glided apart on their own, the hole completely unnecessary. However, as the three became much clearer in the view of Kanoe and Satsuki, Kamui kept his proud grin.

To say that Satsuki was shocked was a terrible understatement. Her eyes were twitching so badly that she was beginning to tear up. "Yuuto…has brought the Dragons of Heaven to our Headquarters and—" Satsuki trailed off when she caught a closer look of the strange trio. The savior of humanity was clad in a frilly pink dress. Yuzuriha's hair had been dyed with a blotch of white, and somewhere between the Petco and the Headquarters, Yuuto's hair had become a wild shade of red.

Kanoe, however, seemed undeterred by their appearances, and skipped over to Yuuto. She rubbed a hand across his chest as the other one pulled on her nurse's uniform. "Hello there, Doctor Yuuto. Nurse Feel-good has some yummy medicine for you!"

Yuuto didn't flinch. "Pink Minion!" barked Kamui. "Stop fooling around, and follow your Queen!"

"Yes, your majesty!" replied Yuuto, and he pulled away from Kanoe.

Kanoe fell over. "This…this cannot be? This isn't right!"

Before Kamui could take another step toward Satsuki, a desperate hand wrapped around his ankle. Kanoe looked up at him, her eyes already maddened beyond hope, and her mouth was foaming uncontrollably. "Boy! Tell me I'm sexy! I'm a Sexy Mama! You want me, right? Right?"

Kamui shook away. "Away, wench! I have no time for half-naked prostitutes when I have a stuffed animal named Martin to find, arch nemeses to vanquish, and an entire city to eradicate!"

Kanoe was writhing on the floor. "I've been rejected? I'm not sexy anymore…NO…it burns! I'm melting! I'm melting!"

Yuzuriha skipped past Kanoe in the middle of her psychotic episode. "Bye, Sexy Mama!" she chirped happily while following the others.

"NOOOOOOOooooooo!" A loud explosion boomed behind them, and if anyone bothered to look back, they would find that the spot Kanoe was standing on was nothing more than a pile of black, whorish dust…but they didn't .

Kamui walked forward without any regard to the other's explosion. "You!" he gestured to Satsuki, who was backing away. "You are the Dark Mage we seek!"

"I cannot allow myself to be infected by their disease…" Satsuki said to herself. But before she had a chance to respond to Kamui, her shoulder was seized from behind.

Yuuto's face peered close into her own. "Helloooooo thereeeee!" Satsuki jumped, and tried to run away only to find that her back had hit the steel plating of Beast. Nowhere to run.

"We seek the one called Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo! Aid us, and you shall have the privilege of—" As fate would have it, the air conditioning clicked on right at that moment, blowing Kanoe's dust at Kamui.

He struggled to hold back sneeze, but by now, we all know damn well what would happen so let's just skip it…

_Location: The Super-secret Kakyou Cave, formerly the Dumpster behind Little Vincent's Grocery…_

Announcer-Guy-Thing: _THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF THE SPECIAL FRIENDS!_

_Captain Kakyou! With the power to run faster than the average bear!_

_Arashi, Warrior Princess! Sword master on planet Uranus!_

_Seishirou! With the power of Saran Wrap!_

_Subaru! The boy-sugar wonder!_

_Sorata! Half man, half taco!_

_All led by their powerful leader, Fuuma, they unite against the evil Fairy Queen! THE SPECIAL FRIENDS!_

_We meet our heroes in the Kakyou cave, bickering about their next move, knowing very well it could be their last…_

"Well I say that there IS such a thing as the Pie Pixie, so there!" growled Arashi.

Seishirou folded his arms in a huff. "Everyone knows that the Pie Pixie isn't real! It's a Pie Stork!"

"Pie! Pie!" giggled Subaru.

Fuuma jumped into the dumpster, a business look on his face. "Special friends! I just got off the banana with the chief! The Fairy Queen's servants are gathering together!"

Everyone: Collective gasp!

"There's only one thing we can do, then!" shouted Kakyou. He reached behind him, and produced a carrot.

"BUNNY?" asked Sorata, Fuuma letting a small cry of 'Pedro' escape his lips.

"No, no. It is a two in one carrot radio and receiver!" exclaimed the Magic Taco as Sorata went into a trance. "We must divide our forces to take out these new threats before confronting Yuuto and the Fairy Queen. That carrot will keep us in close contact, and by the looks of it, the radio might even pick up the Jazz station! Tacos just love jazz!"

"Well, you heard the Taco! Let's get outta this dump!" ordered Arashi. (A/N: Literally…)

Fuuma hopped out of the dumpster. "Special Friends, AWAY!"

_Location: Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

After being hit by the sneeze, Satsuki remained quieter than usual, but that quickly changed once the madness set in. And then all hell DID break loose, for if there was ever a sign of the approaching apocalypse, this was it.

Satsuki laughed.

At first it sounded like she was shrieking some god-awful curse, her voice high-pitched and ear-piercing, but she continue screaming giggles so much that she had fallen over on her side. Beast, alarmed at what happened to its companion, injected several wires into the laughing computer geek's neck, which made matters go from bad to worse.

Beast's lights began to flicker and flare the instant it had connected to Satsuki until its main power source short-circuited, and sparks of electricity flew from the machine. Beast's form began to twist and turn. Kamui and his followers distanced themselves from the spazzing computer, its new form more horrible and dangerous than any of them could guess.

"Woof-woof! Woof-woof!" Beast had turned into a robotic dog.

(A/N: Hey, if a computer can feel jealousy, then it sure as hell can get high! And thanks to Takako san for the great idea)

Yuzuriha screamed, Yuuto reeled away, but Kamui was losing patience. "Dark Mage, we must find this Martin immediately. So commands the Fairy Queen!"

Satsuki picked herself up from the ground, and saluted. "Your will shall be done, almighty conqueror!" She turned to the barking computer dog. "Transform-O! Form of a beaver!"

With a robotic bark, Beast's plating began to shift until it resembled a woodland creature. Yuuto gasped. "A homing beaver? Ingenious!"

"Yes, yes," muttered Kamui indifferently. "But we don't have all day to search this doomed city…beavers are just too damn lazy!" He suddenly burst into hysterical laughter. "I said 'damn'! And beavers! Get it? 'Damn' and 'dam'! Wahahahahahaha!" (A/N: Please don't kill me…this is just a 'bad pun' night for me)

After sweat-dropping, Satsuki paused thoughtfully and brightened. "I know what to do! Transform-O! Form of a throwing dart!" When Beast obeyed, she wrapped a blindfold around her eyes, and turned to Yuzuriha. "Spin me around!"

"Yay! Pin the tail on the penguin! I wanna play!" squealed the girl as she twirled Satsuki around.

Satsuki spun nearly to the point that she fell over before releasing the dart into the air. In the distance, it landed with a light thud and the beautiful sound of a cat screaming. She jumped up into the air. "Yahtzee!"

"I get it! Now we go that way, and we'll find the Destroyer of Tokyo!" shouted Kamui who pointed to the direction opposite from where the dart landed.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Satsuki proudly. "Transform-O! Form of a potato sack!" Instantly a metallic potato sack slipped under the four confused, yet evil, morons.

"Forth, potato sack! We ride!" ordered Kamui.

_Location: Goofy Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-rena_

Martin panted in exasperation near the plastic castle of the mini-golf joint surrounded by three sugar-charged girls. The foremost of the children cooed as she placed a bow over the stuffed animal's head. "Aww, isn't that precious!" she giggled.

Martin irritably tore it off. "Evil is not precious! Evil does not wear bows!"

Another girl blinked at the talking toy, but with a smile, she displayed a small costume. "Does evil wear a raccoon suit?"

Martin did not get a chance to answer, for at that moment, the gate to the mini-golf center burst open and a sack of potatoes slithered in, scaring away the little girls. "Crap," said Martin.

"Martin, Destroyer of Tokyo!" called out Kamui as he slipped down Beast. "I, the Fairy Queen, accompanied by my minions, have come to you in this dark hour to join you in your quest to conquer this city! What say you?"

Martin was silent for a moment as he took in the sight of the chosen one wearing a pink dress accompanied by a Code Red obsessed idiot, a giggling computer geek, a psychotic girl, and a giant, robotic sack of potatoes.

"I say piss off, Pinky!" hissed Martin.

"It's settled then! We are comrades forever!" confirmed Kamui, and the other three cheered happily from the potato sack.

"Your majesty!" cried Yuuto excitedly. "Now that we are together, we should have a group name!"

"What do you mean?" asked Kamui suspiciously.

"The Special Friends have a name, don't they? We should get one too, only something better!"

"Oh!" yelled Yuzuriha. "How about the League of Extremely…Mean…"

"…Offenders, National!" finished Satsuki.

"Perfect! We shall be L.E.M.O.N.!" bellowed Kamui as the others celebrated behind him.

If stuffed animals could sweat-drop…or pop a vein for that matter… "No! We will not be called L.E.M.O.N.!"

"Why not?" asked Kamui. "Everyone wants to be in L.E.M.O.N.!" They all nodded fiercely in agreement.

"Umm…err…" stammered Martin.

"Wait! I got a better one!" announced the Water Master. "We'll be the Federation of United and Clever Killers!"

Kamui bounced up and down with exhilaration. "Even better! We can be the F.U.C.—"

"Enough!" screamed Martin before falling over. "An evil conqueror's work is never easy…"

Honestly, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's 3:00, I have insomnia, my mind is fried, hence the very strange chapter. My advice to all of you is to drink a Red Bull and have some chocolate, and in thirty minutes you'll be finding this chapter a helluva lot more entertaining than it really is. Anyway, thanks go out not only to Takako san and Sakurazuka-chan who got me to put Kanoe and Satsuki into the story, but all my reviewers. Reviews are really the only thing that get me off my ass to write this fic Anywho, find out what happens in chapter 13! Later!


	13. Divide and Conquer

Disclaimer: The first time I tried to own X, CLAMP left me tied to a telephone poll along a Nebraska highway with nothing but a pair of tweezers and some saltine crackers…I think I might have somehow offended them by stalking them with my katana…

So we're now at chapter 13, the coolest number yet. Not much to say here except one precious, yet unrelated, piece of advice: never bring a lime smoothie into a crowded theater of neurotic political activists…it could get messy in more ways than you can imagine. Anyway, more insanity's going down in this demented little story, so enjoy!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 13 Divide and Conquer**

_Location: Random Street Corner_

The people briskly treaded down the sidewalks along the rhythm of the frequent roars and screeches of impatient vehicles as calm as always. Just another normal day in downtown Tokyo, a world buzzing fervently along its unchanging, day to day routine. However, this routine meant nothing to the huffing cotton candy truck as it whizzed down the street in dead fear as a cheery jingle played from its loudspeaker.

Subaru raced after it, his arms flailing desperately. "NO! COTTON CANDY! COME BACK!" He shrieked at the top of his lungs as the happy tune from the truck began to fade into the distance.

The Trucker let out an audible sigh of relief. The insane man looked like he was finally giving up the chase. The crazed young man had ran after the truck for eleven blocks, traumatizing eighteen schoolchildren, and pushing five frail-looking old ladies into the face of oncoming traffic. The poor Trucker saw his life flash before him every moment the Onmyouji chased after, but Subaru's screaming form disappeared in the rear view mirror. It was all over. Or was it….?

The cotton candy truck whined as it plowed into an invisible barrier. As the truck jolted, it sent mounds of cotton candy flying onto the street. The truck screeched to a halt, and the Trucker squinted to see what sinister force had ensnared him, and gasped. Tied to the lampposts on each side of the street was a long sheet of Saran Wrap.

Saran Wrap Spokesman: _That's right! Just one sheet of Saran Wrap keeps the toughest forces at bay. That's why Saran Wrap beats out Reynolds Plastic Wrap every time!_

Seishirou suddenly appeared before the cotton candy truck to scream his maniacal laughter. "Try all you want, filthy sugar slave! You are now trapped in MY kekkai! The only way to get out is to kill me or—"

"There!" exclaimed the Trucker as he removed the Saran Wrap from one of the lampposts.

Seishirou's eyes bulged, and he fell on the ground shivering in pain. "My kekkai! My beautiful kekkai! NO!"

"Not so fast there!" exclaimed Fuuma as the Trucker innocently started back to his vehicle. "You're not going anywhere…for you see…" He suddenly displayed a little pine tree air freshener. "I have taken your only salvation! Now, moment by moment, the smell of cotton candy will seep into the truck, but when you reach for this pine-scented device, you will find no relief! The cotton candy will overtake you, and control your mind until you explode into a thousand pieces all over that designer steering wheel cover. You are doomed! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Trucker fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Another victory for the Special Friends!" shouted Fuuma.

"Cotton candy! Cotton candy!" cheered Subaru as he dashed toward the truck excitedly.

Seishirou smiled proudly as Subaru dove headfirst into a sea of cotton candy. "That's right, Suby-kun! Now that the mean man has been vanquished, you can eat all the cotton candy you want!"

Fuuma blinked. "Cotton candy? You told me that he was an evil minion of the Fairy Queen!" Seishirou shifted about uncomfortably in response. Fuuma sighed, and reluctantly returned the pine-scented air freshener to the shaken Trucker and sent him on his way.

Fuuma lowered his head. "I'm never gonna stop the Fairy Queen from destroying my city, and I'm never gonna free Mr. Huggles from the spirit of an evil villain…and…and…(sniffle)…I MISS MR. CHAOS!" he cried. He almost burst into a hysterical tantrum when he caught sight of something in the corner of his eye. A costume shop.

"Chugachuga…chuuchuu… here comes the airplane!" laughed Seishirou as he fed Subaru a large clump of cotton candy.

"Yay!" yelled Subaru happily.

However, their playtime was interrupted as Fuuma sprinted between them. "Special Friends! Quickly, we must disguise our identities so the evil Fairy Queen doesn't recognize us!"

Subaru's emerald eyes blinked back curiously. "Disguise?"

"With this high tech center before us, we can blend in as ordinary citizens and become invisible to all who seek us out!" explained Fuuma.

_-----Five Minutes Later-----_

Fuuma leapt out of the costume shop door in a full Tinkerbell outfit, brandishing a cheap plastic wand. "With this Magical Relic, I shall fight the Fairy Queen and save Mr. Huggles!" he shouted as he straightened out the tiara on his head.

"I AM THE EASTER BUNNY!" screamed Seishirou, following after Fuuma in a strange pair of purple bunny pajamas with feet and floppy ears.

Behind him, Subaru was skipping along in a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform. "Eggs! Eggs!" he replied.

If downtown Tokyo was ever busy, it would have been impossible to tell as the whole area gaped at the three. Fuuma did not pay any attention. "And now we shall mix, unnoticed, within this crowd! Special Friends, AWAY!"

_Location: Mall_

"Captain Kakyou to Big Rosebud—TCHH, over! Have—TCHH, infiltrated a vast dungeon—TCHH, over! Request your—TCHH, present—TCHH, whereabouts—TCHH, over! OVER!" The Dreamseer shook the carrot frantically. "OVER! OVER? WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER?" He suddenly blinked and listened carefully to the carrot. "Understood. Captain Kakyou over and out."

"SPECIAL FRIENDS?" inquired Sorata.

Kakyou nodded. "They're fine, they just vanquished an evil sugar slave and have blended in the masses incognito…" He shifted about impatiently with a sigh before curiously peaking around the corner into the men's restroom. "What's taking her so long?"

"SORATA CHECK?" the other asked anxiously.

Kakyou gasped and pointed to the men's restroom sign. "Check? We are not unruly heathens! We are superheroes and if we are to enter any restroom, it will be our own!"

He looked down pitifully. "SORATA SORRY…."

"All done!" chirped Arashi. The girl emerged from the men's room, but something was a little different about her. Vibrantly displayed outside her clothes, she was wearing a bright pink bra.

The Dreamseer stared. "What's that?"

Arashi stroked one of the bra straps. "'Tis the mark of a Warrior Princess! All Warrior Princesses must have it!"

Kakyou and Sorata gazed closer at the bra, then back at their own braless chests. Then back at Arashi again. Sorata's cheeks puffed out. Kakyou folded his arms. Why didn't they have one, too?

"Are you sure that you're a Warrior Princess?" asked Arashi skeptically to Kakyou.

Kakyou balled his fists. "I AM a Warrior Princess! I AM!"

"SORATA WARRIOR PRINCESS ALSO!" he cried.

Amidst their protests, their eyesight caught a store window in the distance labeled 'Victoria's Secret'. Kakyou brightened. "I know! Victoria took ours and kept them as a secret!" he exclaimed.

"BAD VICTORIA!" agreed Sorata.

Arashi's hands went to her hips irritably. "That witch! Come Warrior Princesses! It is time to reclaim what is yours!" And they all sprinted toward the doomed store.

_Location: Goofy Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-rena_

Kamui gave a brief bow as he approached Martin inside the large plastic castle in the mini-golf center. "Magnificent Destroyer of Tokyo! I have sent the Dark Mistress and the Wise Mage forth to smite L.E.M.O.N.'s enemy, the Special Friends, and the Pink Minion is on a quest to make us all but invincible! How may I do thy bidding?"

The stuffed animal sat on the castle floor, its arms crossed angrily. "If you want to help me, give me your body!"

Kamui: o.O (backing away)

Martin's eyes widened. "No! That didn't come out right. I'm not that kind of evil conqueror!"

Kamui nodded uncomfortably. "Great leader of L.E.M.O.N.! Would you like a hotdog?"

Martin remained silent.

"A footlong?" Still, silence. "We could put anything you want on it!" More silence, but this time with a small moaning sound. "No worries, my liege! When you're in L.E.M.O.N., I will attend to your every need!"

Martin let out a loud scream. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—SQUEAK!" The stuffed toy blinked when the strange sound slipped from his stomach. "You (SQUEAK) moron!" Again the sound escaped from his round belly.

Kamui's eyes lit up and he ran up to the squeaky toy to poke it. "I wanna try! I wanna try!"

Martin had had about all he could take. "LISTEN YOU—SQUEAK! YOU CAN JUST— SQUEAK— OFF! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR—SQUEAK— AND—SQUEAK! SO—SQUEAK— YOU! AND—" Out of nowhere, a golf ball flew into the small hole of the plastic castle, striking him dead on. The loudest squeak yet sounded as Martin fell over.

He moaned on the ground as Kamui continued to poke his stomach. "Oh—SQUEAK!"

_Location: Victoria's Secret_

Karen excitedly circled a discount item table in the middle of the store. "Let's see! I'll take five of that, three of that, and oh! I thought these were outlawed in Japan!" Her hand went to claim the forbidden item, but another had fallen over it before her.

Karen stared at the impudent woman who thought she could snatch away what was hers only to find with great shock that it was not a woman at all. Sorata stood on the opposite side of the table in a tacky summer dress with his green hair. Her jaw dropped. "Sorata?"

"Oh! Oh! THIS one has BANANAS on it!" cried Kakyou as he rushed after Sorata.

"But this one matches your superhero costume!" pouted Arashi as she waved a bra with red hearts on it.

Karen gaped and turned back to Sorata who was holding armfuls of thongs and bras. "Sorata," she remarked in disbelief. Her gaze went to the next person. "Arashi…" The girl was angrily waving the bra in Kakyou's face. She turned to the Dreamseer. "And…" Well, she really didn't know just who Kakyou was, but that didn't give her any comfort.

Suddenly, the Dreamseer dove onto the far side of the discount table and held up a crimson bra. "This one! This one! It smells like strawberries!" The other two ooed and awed.

Magic Taco: _Not strawberries! Tacos are allergic to strawberries!_

The possessed Sorata let out a big sneeze that predictably hit Karen. It was only a matter of time…

_Location: Arcade_

Yuuto stroked the wooden ball carefully, his eyes focusing on the faraway target. "This is it, Yuuto…it all comes down to this. One slip, and it's all over…" He inhaled sharply, and released the ball up the ramp. The wooden orb rolled up and leapt into the center hole. Yuuto jumped up and down cheerfully as five tickets emerged from the slot.

"All right! Just 24 more throws like that, and I will obtain his majesty's Magical Relic! The brother Relic to his arch enemy's Relic!" He rejoiced as he admired a plastic wand hanging at the prize desk. However, his moment was cut short when he heard a familiar voice yelling across the arcade.

"Damn MOLES! YOU SCARED MY SUBARU-KUN!" screamed Seishirou as he furiously brought down a mallet over the Whack-a-Mole game, the ears of his bunny suit drooping crossly.

Subaru was cowering in the corner in a fetal position holding the cross on his schoolgirl uniform. "They're gonna eat me….they're gonna eat me…they're gonna eat me!"

Meanwhile, Fuuma was stomping all over the Dance Dance Revolution stage. "I've got the beat!" He cheered as he straightened out his fairy wings.

"Well. I never expected to encounter you so soon, Special Friends! Especially when you blended in so seamlessly into this city!" interrupted Yuuto.

Fuuma fell off the DDR stage. "You! You're the Fairy Queen's Pink Minion!"

Seishirou stepped in front of Subaru. "I'm not letting you near my Suby-kun!" he growled as he began tearing a sheet of Saran Wrap off.

Yuuto chuckled. "You're speaking like it's going to be me that you're fighting! Sadly I have an errand, but the Wise Mage won't mind playing with you! Goodbye, Special Friends!"

"Wait!" called Fuuma, but the moment he took a step after the Water Master the DDR stage began to flicker, and the robotic moles popped out of the machine, blocking the way. The lights above them faded away, leaving only the screens of the videogames to glare at them.

"Let's Dance!" shouted Satsuki.

Please don't kill me….I'm not going to be around to update for a whole week. Damn computerless vacations….

Will the Special Friends overcome the nefarious Wise Mage? Will Kakyou and Sorata ever become true Warrior Princesses? Find out next chapter. Much later!


	14. Apes and Donuts

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would use Beast to hack into Disneyland and enslave the earth—don't pretend like they wouldn't do it themselves...it's only a matter of time…

Hey! I'm finally back after a long week of not updating with a sparklin', smashin' new chapter of this Insane Asylum called X Madness. What terrible, terrible things do I have in store for everyone? Time to find out…muahahaha….MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.14 Apes and Donuts**

_Location: Victoria's Secret_

Karen glared at the lingerie on the discount table. Damn bras…they were laughing at her…each moment they were conspiring to destroy her. No, it wasn't just the bras…everyone here was in on it. The moment she let her guard down, they would sneak behind her and she would become their slave for all eternity. She gnarred her teeth in contempt, and her gaze did not leave the table for one moment.

"Ma'am? Are you all right there?" queried one of the Victoria's Secret clerks in concern. "You look sort of dazzled…"

She blinked. "Dazzled?" Her eyes were ablaze. and she leapt onto the table. "I'm on to YOU and your evil plots and you're not going to trap me! You're doomed! ALL OF YOU!" she hissed. "I'll show you DAZZLED!" Her hands were engulfed in an explosion of flames, and the clerk fled screaming.

She smiled mischievously at the table of flammable bras, and cackled homicidally. "DAZZLED! DAZZLED!"

Elsewhere…

Kakyou cheered as he skipped out of the store in a bright orange bra with coconuts plastered all over it. "Now Captain Kakyou is a TRUE Warrior Princess!"

Sorata followed after, a pair of panties draped over his head. "SORATA WARRIOR PRINCESS!" he declared.

Arashi threw her arms over the other two. "Indeed, you are mighty Warrior Princesses!" she agreed.

"Wait! You need to pay for those!" cried a cashier in the distant store. Just at that moment, Victoria's Secret echoed with a maddened shriek (DAZZLED!) and the store burst into flames as dozens of horrible, bloodcurdling screams erupted within.

A figure emerged from the flames dancing wildly. "THE DAY IS MINE! I WIN! I WIN!" screeched Karen as she ran across the mall.

The three of them stared wordlessly before Arashi stepped forward. "And now, my comrades! We shall venture onward in our quest for glory, righteousness, and ultimate knowledge!"

_Magic Taco: I want a soda!_

Kakyou turned to the now-panicked mall as Victoria's Secret smoldered behind them. "Forth, Warrior Princesses! To the food court!"

_Location: Arcade_

Fuuma, Seishirou, and Subaru stood huddled against each other as the videogames flashed around them menacingly. Satsuki's voice boomed throughout the entire building in high-pitched laughter. "And now, Special Friends! You shall all meet your demise!"

"You fiend! You will never defeat the Special Friends!" retorted Fuuma.

"Special Friends will win!" chirped Subaru resolutely.

Seishirou's arm fell over Subaru's shoulders. "Subaru-kun's right! And if you think you're going to hurt MY special friend, you'll have to face my wrath!"

The high-pitched giggles continued. "That's where you're wrong, Special Friends! For you see, you have already fallen into my trap! Huahahahaha!"

The flickering lights disappeared into the gloom, and all had become silent save for the light humming of Beast and Satsuki's sinister laughter. The ground beneath them quaked, and Subaru let out a frightened howl as he clutched to Seishirou's bunny suit. However, the shaking abruptly ceased, and when the onmyouji opened his eyes, he found that they were still surrounded by darkness except for the floor. Below them was a bright red ramp, and they could hear a faint beeping sound.

"Wha—what is this place?" demanded Fuuma.

Seishirou tightened his hold on the trembling Subaru. "Stay close, Subaru-kun!"

The beeping noise was steadily growing louder as the three shifted about in dismay, and the bright ramp rumbled. With a scared moan Subaru snuck another peak at their surroundings. Rolling straight at them was a giant barrel. His eyes widened, and he frantically pointed at the oncoming object. However, Seishirou and Fuuma were busy surveying the area, and had their backs turned the other way.

"Barrel!" he screamed, and tugged on a floppy bunny ear and the edge of Fuuma's fairy wings. "BARREL!" It looked like they were doomed to be run over when suddenly…

"Hey, who's that?" shouted Fuuma. Out of nowhere came running the 8-bit figure of what appeared to be an Italian plumber. It ran straight at the rolling barrel, and with a loud beep it jumped in the air.

But it jumped too early and it was smashed into an 8-bit bloody pulp.

An oafish laugh sounded above them, and they gazed up the rows of scarlet ramps. At the very top was an enormous ape standing in front of dozens of barrels. Behind the animal was a screaming woman with a crown on her head. YES, they were trapped in Donkey Kong.

Subaru stared curiously at the ape. "Sora?"

"Worse…much worse…" giggled Satsuki. "There is no escape, Special Friends…Welcome to your doom!"

_Location: Dunkin' Donuts_

"Look! Look!" cried Kakyou as he pointed through the window into the donut shop. Behind the counter was a soda machine. "We have found it!"

"At last! The fountain of youth is ours. With its sacred power, we, the Warrior Princesses will become immortal!" rejoiced Arashi.

_Magic Taco: I want Pepsi!_

"SORATA LIKE COKE!" protested the other.

There was a shocked pause before the Magic Taco responded.

_Magic Taco: Coke? COKE?_

Sorata's possessed eyes turned crimson, but he managed to shake away the Magic Taco. He started toward the counter. "SORATA NEVER DRINK PEPSI! COKE!"

_Magic Taco: NEVER!_

Sorata fell to the ground, his arms flailing as he struggled against the Magic Taco's wrath.

Meanwhile, the other two entered Dunkin' Donuts heedless of the other's battle, but they were only a few steps inside when Arashi gasped.

The girl pressed her face against the glass at the side of the counter. "What sort of terrible dungeon is this?"

Kakyou curiously peered in behind her, but all that laid underneath the glass were dozens of donuts. He scratched his head. "Dungeon?"

Her hands were trembling in fury. "Who could have enslaved these sweet, innocent, and gentle people?" Just then, she happened to notice the cashier hesitantly approaching them. She glowered at the doomed man. "YOU!" she growled. "You sent them to this…this CONCENTRATION CAMP!"

Immediately the cashier was regretting his decision to come near, and was backing away. But it was too late. "HOW DARE YOU IMPRISON THESE POOR PEOPLE?" She whipped her head back to the glass. "It's all right…don't cry. The Warrior Princess will avenge all of you…"

He blinked. "M—miss! They're just donuts!"

Her eyes flared, and she advanced closer to the hapless cashier. "Just donuts? JUST DONUTS? Donuts are people too!"

Kakyou squinted harder at the donuts as Arashi was busy clobbering the Dunkin' Donuts cashier. "Dungeon…people…" he muttered as he scrutinized the donuts, completely ignoring the sounds of Arashi destroying the cashier or Sorata squirming over the floor fighting himself. There were bear claws…cream-filled donuts, but nothing was alive. True, maybe the Dunkin' Donuts original brand was moving a little, but Kakyou didn't think that was out of the ordinary.

He sighed in defeat, but then he scanned the last donut, which happened to be completely green. A GREEN donut?

"Free the donuts! FREE THE DONUTS!" screamed Arashi as she dumped two buckets of soda over the bound and gagged cashier's head.

Sorata howled. "NO! COKE GONE!"

_Magic Taco: And the Pepsi! What have you done? BLASPHEMY! _

Arashi kicked the moaning cashier to the side. "And now I shall deliver all of you to freedom and happiness!"

She plucked the cash register from the counter, and lifted it above the glass. However, before she had the chance to shatter the donut prison, Kakyou dove into her, sending both of them sprawling over the sleek floor alongside the weeping Sorata. "No!"

Arashi glared at the Dreamseer. "You dare to betray me?"

"It's a trap! Donuts aren't green! They're pink and black and periwinkle! The Sand Witch is here!" he explained.

Sorata looked up. "SAND WITCH?"

_Magic Taco: So the Fairy Queen has sent his minions to hunt us!_

Arashi jumped to her feet, and gaped at the colored donut. "Experimenting on unsuspecting donuts…the fiend!" She stared into the glass. "The donut's barely breathing…the Sand Witch can't be far…"

Kakyou narrowed his eyes. "Then she's somewhere around here…but where…?"

They carefully scanned the room for something unusual. The writhing cashier, the screaming customers, the spilt soda… the lamp in the center of the store with the body of a fourteen year old girl…

"Blast! We'll never find her!" despaired Kakyou.

Arashi gasped when she focused on the donut shop's center. "I see her, I see her!" she cried as she ran to the lamp. "It's so obvious!" she exclaimed, and the lampshade sneezed. "The Sand Witch…is in this sign!" She declared, pointing at the Dunkin' Donuts banner behind the lamp.

"KILL SIGN!" shouted Sorata.

"Get it!" yelled Kakyou. And the three closed in on the sign.

_Location: Arcade_

Fuuma inhaled sharply while another barrel edged its way closer to them. "Stand back, Special Friends! I'll take care of this!" He stepped toward the rolling barrel, and unsheathed the Tinkerbelle Wand. He clasped the plastic handle with both hands, and stared the object down. "Fear my power, barrel!" He waved the wand up and down. "POOF! You're a newt! You're a lemming! Poof! Poof!" The barrel kept approaching, its shape unchanged.

"Oh no! He hasn't fully awakened to use the Relic's power yet!" cried Seishirou.

Fuuma shook the wand, desperately trying to kindle its 'magic', but the barrel's shadow was falling over him. He swallowed hard. "Oh muffins…" The barrel collided into him with a series of beeps, and in a flash, it and Fuuma disappeared. His Tinkerbelle wings floated off the ramp, leaving Seishirou and Subaru alone in the twisted videogame.

Donkey Kong laughed, and threw another barrel down the top ramp. Subaru buried his head in Seishirou's chest. "Pancake!" he whimpered.

"Don't worry, Subaru-kun! I'm not letting them turn you into a pancake!" assured Seishirou before pulling away from the onmyouji's side. Seishirou straightened out his floppy bunny ears, and his eyes hardened at the barrel. "For it will have to get by my kekkai first!"

He pulled out the roll of Saran Wrap, tore a small sheet from it, and approached the large barrel coming their way. Subaru could watch no more, and fastened his hands over his eyes when the barrel was only feet away from the other, but that did not save him from the horrible sounds that would follow.

The barrel slammed into something with a loud beep. "AAAAAAHHH! AAAH-AAAHH! IT'S SMASHING ME! SUBARU, HELP ME!" screamed Seishirou.

Subaru yelped, and managed to open his eyes only to find Seishirou smiling down at him from the edge of the next ramp waving the stretched piece of Saran Wrap. He blinked in confusion. "Pancake?"

"Fooled you Subaru-kun! Ha-ha I gotcha!" he sang, and Subaru began to laugh along. But just as he started to dance around the end of the ramp, another barrel plunged over him with terrible beep and a flash like before. However, when the light cleared, Seishirou was still standing, only with one serious difference.

His cotton tail on his bunny suit had been scraped off. Seishirou fell to the floor. "NOOOOOOOOOO! My power is gone! GOOOOOOOONE!"

And then there was one.

Donkey Kong threw another barrel, and Subaru hysterically paced the ramp. "Help me! Help me! No pancake!" he screamed. Suddenly two puffs of smoke roiled before him, the first revealing an impatient Subaru-angel. But when the second smoke cloud cleared, it did not reveal the devil.

Subaru gaped. "Sack of beans?"

Hovering over the onmyouji was a burlap sack of beans outfitted with a plastic pair of horns. The angel nodded. "The agency learned that that worthless fire monkey had an unhealthy addiction to Axe body deodorant so they 'canned' him!" The angel took a moment to laugh at its pun before it realized that not even the barrel was making a sound. It cleared its throat. "Err, so they got you a replacement."

Subaru gazed back at the sack of beans. "_Replacement?_" The barrel was closing in, and he quickly shook off his disbelief. "HELP!"

"Yeah, yeah, your problems," sighed the angel. "Well it's obvious what you have to do to K.O. that big ape, all you need is—BEEP—BEEP—BEEP!" The angel suddenly pulled out a beeper, and shook its head. "Well, gotta go. It looks like Dick Cheney needs me again. Good luck getting yourself out of your almost certain death!"

"No! What do I need? WHAT DO I NEED?" cried Subaru, but the angel had already vanished. The barrel had fallen to Subaru's ramp, and in his panic, he turned to the sack of beans. "What do I do?" he screamed at the burlap sack.

The sack of beans remained quiet.

"HELP! I'm scared!" The fake devil horns fell off the sack, and it did not answer. Subaru stared at it in desperation. The beans stared back, and Subaru nodded. "You're right!"

His gaze turned to the giant ape at the top of the ramps, and he reached into the pocket of his uniform's skirt to produce a red carnation. He held the flower up to Donkey Kong. "Special Friend?"

Random Narrator Man: _And what happened then…?_

_Well among the retro videogames they say_

_That Donkey Kong's heart grew three sizes that day_

_And at that moment, he did what was right_

_And stopped hunting Subaru with all his might_

_It was because the ape met a special friend_

_That his apish wrath would finally end…_

(A/N: Aah, the warm fuzzies of another twisted version of Dr. Seuss's Grinch ;) had to do it…)

The barrels suddenly dissolved, and the ape rushed down to Subaru with a cheerful grunt. The moment Donkey Kong's hand closed around the stem of the flower, victory music began to play all around them. Subaru beamed. "All you need is love!" A brilliant light closed in around the onmyouji, and Donkey Kong began to disappear. The ground shook and crumbled. "Special Friend?" Subaru cried before he, too, faded from the game.

"This cannot be!" screamed Satsuki. "I cannot be defeated!"

Beast's screen suddenly lit up with a message: Insert 2 more credits.

"Noooo! Curses!" she shouted. "You've won today, Special Friends, but L.E.M.O.N. will win the war!" Donkey Kong suddenly vanished from Beast's monitor to be replaced by a new game, and Satsuki squealed before melding with the machine. "Oh goodie! Frogger!"

Well, I'll end this twisted chapter here. BTW, sorry for not updating recently but the damn Comcast Company screwed my internet over…ah, I know, excuses excuses…but Comcast is going on my spite list along with the Olsen twins and cereal commercials!..._spite….._ Anyway, I'll post the next chapter whenever I happen to write it, hopefully soon provided that no one maims me for my antics in this one…later!


	15. Creamer, Zingers, and the Six O'clock

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would leave Subaru and Seishirou chained together in a closet with its door boarded up fifty feet underground…with air holes…and maybe one of those little disco balls too... (fangirl-grin )

All right, welcome to chapter 15, a chapter divisible by 5, 3, and bananas . Here lies my Nestle Drumstick induced, fudge-covered madness along with an hour or two of oddly spent free time designed specifically to entertain, yet distract you from my insidious master plan…………………………………………oops ;. I mean entertain you, JUST entertain you, and of course neverplantroboticeggsintoyourunsuspectingbrains…heeheehee, of course not…

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.15 Creamer, Zingers and the 6 o'clock News**

_Location: Seiichirou Aoki's Apartment/ House/ whatever he lives in…_

As the sky outside was dimming, the light of his living room began to fade away, leaving only the bright glare of a flashing television. Seiichirou Aoki sat curled up on the edge of a sofa, hugging a large carton of cookie dough ice cream. His amber eyes, which were locked on the screen, were welling up with tears. The television hummed dramatic music, and Mr. Aoki reached for the tissue box.

"No Carlito! She's no good for you! She'll only run off with your best friend Enrique, and brainwash your cat to send you to that evil dimension again!" he cried at the soap opera.

"Seiichirou…" called his wife, Shimako. "I'm almost finished with dinner, so quit eating all that ice cream!"

"But-But—" stammered the editor as he stuffed another spoonful of the cookie dough ice cream into his mouth.

"And Daddy!" groaned Yuka. "You promised to read me 'Harry Potter and the Ferocious, Diseased Octopus' tonight!"

Mr. Aoki did his best to tune out his family for the time being, and returned his attention back to the soap opera. "Do you, Anna, take Carlito to be your lawful wedded man slave to have and to hold for all eternity or until you find someone hotter?—BUZZ!—" The wedding scene vanished on the TV to reveal a stoic news anchor. "We interrupt this program with breaking news!"

The editor blinked, and set the carton of ice cream down. "Our city is facing a rapidly growing danger: Maniacs. We bring you to our senior analyst, Ivana Pufnstuff for details!" The screen flashed to an overweight, overdressed woman in front of a ruined wasteland. "This barren ground had once been the sight for an innocent McDonalds restaurant only moments ago. Witnesses report that a crazed, scantily clad, red-haired woman apparently sprouted fire from her hands when confronted by Ronald McDonald himself, and reduced America's favorite restaurant to _this_."

He gaped at the screen. "Hm…scantily clad? I wonder if Karen is watching this?"

Shimako leaned out of the kitchen. "And WHO'S Karen?"

"Eep!" Mr. Aoki sweat-dropped, and turned back to the TV.

"Sources say that when the woman was confronted, she responded with only one word…'Dazzled'. But reports of maniacs are coming in from all over the city. According to police records, Victoria's Secret is in ruins, and a strange squeaking sound can be heard at Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena. Most disturbing, however, is this footage from a local amateur when he entered Dunkin' Donuts several minutes ago."

Again, the screen flashed to a blurry camera screen recording three people furiously beating up the Dunkin' Donuts banner with clubs. Mr. Aoki paled when he recognized two of them.

"BAD SAND WITCH!" screamed Sorata.

Arashi forcefully brought down her club over the sign. "We'll teach you to experiment on the donut people! Get out of that sign!"

Kakyou angrily kicked the fallen banner until it tangled him, and he fell on his face. When he rolled over, his eyes glared at the camera. "SPY! SPY OF THE SAND WITCH!" The cameraman shrieked, and the camera jerked about until the picture fizzed away.

The editor sweat-dropped. "Oh dear…"

The screen shot back to Ivana Pufnstuff who was chewing on a hoagie. She froze, and tossed the sandwich (A/N: sandwich, sand witch…damn I love unintentional puns!). "Gruesome…simply gruesome. Sadly, there is no relief from these frightening maniacs as police are already baffled by another phenomenon: a horrible moaning that resembles the 'Itsy, Bitsy Spider' is currently puzzling officials at the Diet Building. More at nine…"

"There is a terrible, terrible force afoot, and it falls on me to save everyone!" exclaimed Mr. Aoki as he shot up from the couch.

"Honey, dinner is ready!" called Shimako.

Mr. Aoki proceeded to grab his coat. "Not now! I must act, and quickly! Nothing will distract me in my quest!"

Yuka pouted. "But Daddy! Mommy made candied yams!"

He brightened. "Yams? Did you say _yams_?" However, he caught another glimpse of Arashi and Sorata beating the shit out of the Dunkin' Donuts sign. "No…I must be strong!" And he proceeded heroically out of the front door…but not before grabbing something important out of his closet…

_Location: Dunkin' Donuts_

"Die! Die! DIE!" Arashi huffed over the mutilated sign.

Kakyou doubled over in exhaustion. "Th-that…outta teach…that mean 'ol Sand Witch!"

_Magic Taco: But I can't help thinking that there's something wrong…_

Behind them the lamp was beginning to move closer to them, cackling maniacally (sneak…sneak…)

Arashi folded her arms indignantly. "But we crushed the Sand Witch to smithereens!"

The lamp was screaming laughter now, and the three turned to it with blank faces.

"SAND WITCH GONE!" agreed Sorata.

Lamp: (sneaksneaksneaksneak…sneak…)

They stared at it in silence until Kakyou gasped. "Wait! That's no lamp! It's the Sand Witch in disguise!"

Arashi and Sorata revered the other. "How did you know that?" cried Arashi.

"Because," he began as he bowed his head wisely. "Lamps don't _sneak_…they _lurk_!"

A hand pulled the lampshade off to reveal Yuzuriha's glowering face. "Drat! You may have forced me to cast off my ingenious disguise early, Special Friends, but you will never defeat me!"

"That's where you're wrong!" yelled Kakyou. Arashi and Sorata stood by each of his sides, and the trio posed. "Angels, attack!"

Arashi was the first to rush forward at the girl, however, when she neared Yuzuriha, she did not pounce. Instead, she just held out her hand, and glared at the other's eyes. "Rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!" she growled. Yuzuriha held out a timid scissor-shaped hand, and Arashi cackled. "HA! Rock beats scissors!"

"NO!" cried Yuzuriha as she doubled over in pain. Sorata advanced on her before she could recover.

_Magic Taco: With my almighty cheesy wrath, you shall PERISH!_

Sorata lifted a finger, and poked her on the shoulder. (poke…poke-poke…poke…) Yuzuriha shuddered.

_Magic Taco: FEEL THY ANGER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

Kakyou, meanwhile, had migrated to the condiment table as the other two were vanquishing Yuzuriha. When the insidious Sand Witch fell to the ground, he turned to them, his orange bra suspiciously bulging. "And now, Sand Witch! You shall feel the ultimate misery!" He reached into the bra to produce a tiny plastic container to shake above her eyes.

"No! That can't be!" stammered Yuzuriha.

The Dreamseer's eyes darkened. "It is…half & half dairy coffee creamer! Not entirely milk, but not cream either! Any last words?"

Yuzuriha frantically struggled to run away, but Arashi and Sorata were holding her down. She let out a loud wail. "NOOOOOOO!" Kakyou grinned, and began to approach her with the creamy coffee enhancer, but the moment he took a step, something smacked him on the forehead.

"AAAAAHHHH!" screamed Kakyou. He fell back, squirming under a blueberry muffin. "It's eating my brain!" (A/N: Muffins are known to do that…how else can they assume the form of a cupcake?) His two companions abandoned Yuzuriha to timidly brush the muffin away while Kakyou yelled in anguish. That was their mistake.

Yuzuriha resumed her wicked laughter. "You have fought well, Special Friends, but this is where it ends. For I have harnessed the ultimate destroying power!" She reached into a pocket, revealing a package of chocolate pocky. Kakyou, Arashi, and Sorata gasped. She then stuffed the entire unwrapped package into her mouth. "Muahahahaha…MUAHAHA—GAK! (choking on pocky…)………………"

"SAND WITCH POWERFUL!" shouted Sorata.

"With that power source, she's invincible!" despaired Arashi.

Yuzuriha finally appeared to recover from her choking fit, and pointed angrily at Kakyou. "You! I….I MUST DYE YOUR HAIR!"

The beautiful pale blonde sweat-dropped. "Meep!"

_Location: Arcade_

The moment that Subaru had defeated Satsuki by befriending the misunderstood Donkey Kong, Fuuma and Seishirou had reappeared in the arcade.

Fuuma stroked his Tinkerbelle wings. "It seems a Special Friend was able to conquer a servant in L.E.M.O.N.!" (A/N: Ah…then there are the _intentional _puns…)

Seishirou briefly sighed in relief, but his expression quickly grew panicked as he realized that the onmyouji was nowhere in sight. "Subaru-kun? Subaru-kun!"

They had enjoyed their freedom for only seconds when the building's foundation began to crumble. Seishirou's eyes widened. "SUBARU-KUN, WHERE ARE YOU!"

Fuuma firmly took hold of Seishirou's bunny ears. "No! There's no time!"

"SUUUUUUUBAAAAAAAARUUUUUUUU!" shrieked Seishirou as he was dragged away from the collapsing arcade.

Minutes later, the two Special Friends stood amidst the ruins of the building. Seishirou laid in a fetal position. "Suby-kun…I-I failed you!" he moaned.

Fuuma, meanwhile, had his nose pressed up against a glass screen as he carefully maneuvered a lever against the machine. "Careful…careful!" he whispered to himself with his eyes on a bag of Zingers inside the vending machine. He bit his lip. "This game's the hardest of them all!"

Seishirou pulled his bunny hood over his eyes. "And now…you're gone! WHY?"

Suddenly two thin arms glomped him from behind. The Sakurazukamori beamed when he turned his head. Subaru was grinning back, his entire body wrapped in ribbons of tickets. "Yay! Sei-san!" he giggled happily.

Seishirou was ecstatic. "SUBY-KUN! You're alive!" He exclaimed as he held Subaru.

"Aha!" shouted Fuuma from the distance. He waved a bag of processed snack food triumphantly in the air. "I win! I finally have my Zingers!"

"Sei-san!" chirped Subaru, and (the rabid fangirl author must remind you) still in Seishirou's arms .

He stared in amazement. "Subaru-kun! You said my name! Say it again!"

"Sei-san, Sei-san, Sei-san, Sei-san!" Subaru sung proudly.

But their happy moment was to come to an abrupt halt as a jet of Code Red whizzed past them. Before any of them could recover, Yuuto swept in, and snatched all the tickets Subaru had won from Donkey Kong. "It's not over, yet, Special Friends!" laughed Yuuto, who kept running.

"You…YOU STOLE FROM SUBARU-KUN!" seethed Seishirou.

Subaru tilted his head to the side, watching Yuuto make his clever getaway. "Pretty ribbon gone?"

Fuuma was still jumping up and down, rejoicing over his snack when Yuuto sprinted at him. In an instant, the package had been stolen from Fuuma's hand. His lower lip trembled. "M-my Zingers! He took my Zingers! Come back!"

"You'll never catch me! I win this round!" chuckled Yuuto. The Water Master then covered his eyes. "Hahahaha! I'm invisible now! Just try and find me!" he exclaimed before running off. The three of them glanced about the arcade ruins in confusion as Yuuto ran away laughing. He then exited the scene completely, followed by a loud thump and the ringing sound of a dumpster being hit.

Subaru pouted. "Sei-san! Ribbon!"

"There, there, Subaru-kun! Sei-san'll catch that nasty 'ol Pink Minion and tear his tongue out while beating him over the head with his own severed arms…" cooed Seishirou as he patted Subaru's head.

Fuuma was trembling in fury. "MY ZINGERS! L.E.M.O.N. GRABBED MY ZINGERS!"

_Location: Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena_

"Oh Kamui…." Called Martin in a singsong voice from the entrance of the plastic castle. "Come hither…"

"Meh!" replied Kamui.

The squeaky toy face-faulted. "Ughh…oh Imperial Fairy Queen, your master beckons!"

Kamui threw open the castle door. "Yes, My Liege!"

Martin nodded evilly. "Ah…I need you to stand on that target—err, spot in the center of the castle…" he said as he gestured at a crimson target several feet away.

"The one with the skull and bones?" queried Kamui.

Martin leered. "That's right…oh, what would I ever do without you?"

"That's easy!" answered Kamui, who merrily skipped over to the target. "You would—THUD!" Suddenly, a giant metal club dropped from a large, pointy bag hanging from the ceiling, and landed in the center of the bull's eye as Kamui neared it. He curiously pointed at the lethal object. "Is that a mace?"

Martin's eyes widened, and he laughed uneasily. "A-a mace you say…heh..heh, where on earth did you get an idea like that? Now just get on that target!" But just as Kamui was approaching the target, the door to the castle swung open, knocking the hapless plush animal onto the bull's eye next to the mace.

"Your Majesty!" shouted Yuuto. "I have obtained the magic ribbon and completed the sacred quest!" He then held out a shrouded item.

Kamui rushed over to him. "Excellent, Pink Minion! You have succeeded! Now nothing will stop me from enslaving this city!"

In spite of his own situation, Martin could not help but to curiously stare at the wrapped item. "What is it?"

Kamui grinned. "Only the greatest weapon of them all! Behold!" He slipped away the cloth to reveal a 12-inch wand with glitter inside of it. "The wand of L.E.M.O.N.! The brother wand of the Special Friends' wand!"

Martin gaped. "A _wand_?"

"Not just any wand!" corrected Yuuto. "This wand is a 'Where's Waldo' wand!"

Kamui's eyes lit up, and he gazed through the water and glitter inside. "Waldo! Where are you?"

The giant bag of weaponry hanging above the target swayed, the rope stretching to its breaking point. Martin sighed. "Oh—" The bag crashed down, causing a horrible squeak to sound throughout the castle.

"Hey!" cried Yuuto. "It's Waldo! I see Waldo!"

"No, no…" dismissed Kamui. "That's just Waldo's dog…"

"Oh…"

Martin whimpered beneath the pile of weapons. "Why did I have to be a squeaky toy, dammit?"

Will Yuzuriha succeed in her nefarious plot to dye Kakyou's hair? Will Fuuma ever get back his Zingers from L.E.M.O.N.? Find out in my next chapter! Later!


	16. Freezies and the Wise Donut

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would handcuff myself to Kakyou, seal ourselves in a cookie factory with a ball of yarn, some paperclips, and a giant pillow, and feed him nothing but strawberry pocky!... well, it makes perfect sense to me!

Chapter Sixteen! Squee! I made it this far dancing around my little X shrine waiting for the jackhammer of inspiration to drill away what was left of any shroud of "sanity" I might have had in a past life. That leaves me sitting in front of the computer in a TB Subaru hat surrounded by starbursts and some pointy objects. XD Need I say more?

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.16 Freezies and the Wise Donut**

_Splat!_ A large amount of blue hair dye splashed against the Dunkin' Donuts window, barely missing the trembling Dreamseer.

"Eek!" cried Kakyou as he madly dashed behind the counter.

"Huahahaha! You can hide, but you cannot run!" laughed Yuzuriha, but she suddenly paused thoughtfully. "No…that's not right, you ran…and you're hiding…but you can't umm…"

Kakyou peaked out from the edge of the counter while she was muttering to herself. "Special Friends! We must overcome this new evil!" he pleaded.

But Arashi and Sorata were both hiding under the lampshade. "But she has snack food!" protested Arashi. "There is no Warrior Princess brave enough to destroy the sacred sticks!"

_Magic Taco: And hair care products! Even Magic Tacos fear the tonic of the terrible Martha Stewart! All is lost!_

Kakyou sweat-dropped. "Someone must act! Captain Kakyou, away!" He then jumped up from the counter, and ran for the dairy creamer.

"So…you can run…and you can hide…and you're running again, hmm—OW!" Kakyou pelted her with a plastic creamer container from the condiment table.

"Melt, Sand Witch! Melt!" cried Kakyou as he threw more containers of creamer in her direction. However, much to poor Kakyou's misfortune, his adversary only resentfully rubbed her forehead. The Dreamseer froze, realizing that his greatest weapon was now completely useless.

"Fool! I am Mega-Yuzuriha! There is no creamer terrifying enough to smite me!" she laughed. Kakyou's eyes widened, and he ran for cover once more. "It is useless, Special Friends! I must DYE YOUR HAIR!" she hissed as she stomped over to the counter. But suddenly, she halted with a loud groan. "Gahh! NO! Not the cheese!"

Kakyou snuck a glance over the counter to find a possessed Sorata standing over Yuzuriha, shooting a vast amount of Taco cheese in her direction.

_Magic Taco: Muahahaha! Feel thy cheesy wrath, Sand Witch!_

"SAVE SPECIAL FRIEND!" growled Sorata. Behind him, Arashi had also abandoned her hiding place to come charging at her nemesis with a pair of plastic spoons.

(Mushy music plays)

The Dreamseer's eyes welled up with tears. "They're—they're saving me! But they were afraid!"

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: _We all are afraid, Captain Kakyou…but special friends can overcome anything with their devotion. No matter how grave matters become, they will always triumph. _

Yuzuriha had quickly recovered from the cheesy assault, and sent both Arashi and Sorata flying into a wall with her super-charged pocky powers.

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: …_or not. I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I just woke up to see you fighting so I thought I would say something…pretty cool, ne?_

"And now!" hissed Yuzuriha as she stared down at Kakyou from the top of the counter. "Your hair is mine!" She whipped out a bottle of Martha Stewart Brand Purple Hair Dye, and grinned devilishly. Kakyou swallowed hard, and closed his eyes, bracing himself for the worst. Yuzuriha squeezed the bottle.

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: _Nuuuuuuuuu!_

_SPLAT!_

Kakyou hesitantly opened his eyes, only to be utterly bewildered. The hair dye had never hit him even though it was a direct shot. …Who then did it hit?

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: (cough…sputter…)

Encased in a giant puddle of lavender hair dye was the dying (a/n: no pun intended) round form of Kakyou's savior. He bent his head closer to the circular shape, and gasped. "Donut? Why?" Lying in front of him was a glazed donut.

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: _I had to do it…you must…you must…! Bleh…_

"Noooo!" cried Kakyou.

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: _No, no, I'm not dead yet…I just had this lump in the back of my throat. Now listen closely to my words of infinite wisdom…_

"I'm listening! I'm listening!" exclaimed Kakyou to the doomed pastry.

Mystical Voice of Wisdom: _Give 'er hell…for me! You must……………yan…………yan………………………………………………(dead)……………_

"WHY?" screamed Kakyou.

Meanwhile, Yuzuriha had obtained another bottle of hair dye. "There is no one to save you now!"

The Dreamseer clenched his fists. "That brave, wise donut…he sacrificed himself for me…he taught me courage…AND I WON'T GIVE UP!" He stood from the counter, his golden eyes blazing with vengeance. "The battle is just beginning!" And he tore the superhero mask from his face.

Yuzuriha, Sorata and Arashi gasped as Kakyou stood before the 'Sand Witch' unmasked. Finally, Yuzuriha had recovered from her shock to speak. "WHERE DID CAPTAIN KAKYOU GO?"

"He's gone!" exclaimed Arashi. "Our Warrior Princess is gone!"

"SPECIAL FRIEND?" hollered Sorata.

Kakyou innocently shifted his weight back and forth, hiding the mask behind his back. "Oh, don't mind me! I'm just a suspicious newspaper editor with a dark secret!"

"The superhero! He must be around here somewhere!" shrieked Yuzuriha frantically.

Kakyou stepped away from the crazed girl. "And now I, the suspicious newspaper editor with the dark secret, will just casually walk to your other worst enemies…" he muttered as he skipped over to Arashi and Sorata.

"We'll never see our Special Friend ever again!" despaired Arashi. However, once Kakyou had neared the two, he slipped the black mask back over his eyes.

_Magic Taco: You have reappeared!_

"Special Friends! We must unite against the Sand Witch!" urged Kakyou.

"SAND WITCH POWERFUL!" refused Sorata.

"He's right!" agreed Arashi. "Not even our milky creamer was enough for L.E.M.O.N.!" (A/N (while laughing hysterically): no, I'm never going to get bored of these terrible puns…)

"Maybe not…but I've learned something today! It's not the awesome strength of our dairy creamer that will subdue L.E.M.O.N., but courage and teamwork. One Special Friend alone cannot pounce on L.E.M.O.N., but the combined force of three can! The donut people have taught me well to appreciate friendship, and with that power, we can't lose!" explained Kakyou.

Sorata & Arashi: …

Kakyou paused thoughtfully. "And I know how to send that Sand Witch to a writhing hell of her own!"

_Magic Taco: Let's do it!_

_Location: Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena_

Kamui sat cross-legged against one of the cheap castle walls, his eyes mesmerized by only one thing. "Waldo…where's Waldo?" he pouted as he twirled the plastic wand around.

Yuuto sat across from him, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "So the dog wasn't Waldo, and the boat wasn't Waldo…this is hard, your majesty!"

Kamui did not look up from the wand. "Quit whining, Pink Minion! For you see, only when we find this Waldo can I awaken the true powers of this Magical Relic, and enslave the city!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle, a certain squeaky toy had finished pulling out knives from its stomach to start plotting once more. Martin held a tin bowl filled with pink jellybeans, and carefully laid one after another in a path.

"I was thinking too small before!" exclaimed Martin. "This is sure to work, and then I will be free to take over the twit's body, and destroy Tokyo. MWAHAHAHA!"

"Oh! Is that Waldo right there?" Cried the Water Master.

"Where? Where?" However, Kamui's excitement quickly faded. "No…that's just a striped elephant…" he sighed. "Why don't you just make yourself useful, and get your Fairy Queen some yummies…"

"Yes, Your Majesty!" exclaimed Yuuto, who shot up to his feet. "I obey!"

"Oh, great Fairy Queen! I have found the path to power and ultimate destruction of the free world…" called Martin sweetly.

"Waldo? WALDO?" screamed the other in frustration.

The plush animal folded its arms impatiently. "…and cheesecake…?"

Kamui brightened. "Cheesecake? The hell with this!" He tossed the wand aside, and sprinted over to Martin. "Weeee!"

He glared at the boy darkly before walking away toward the door. "Wee."

"Cheesecake! Gimmegimmegimme!" Kamui searched in all directions until his eyes fell on a pink jellybean. "Wow! A magical pink seed of doom!" He fell onto his knees, but the moment he had thrown the jellybean into his mouth, he spotted another one only a foot away. Kamui let out a happy squeal. "They must be guiding me to their smiley sugar kingdom!" And he started to gobble down the trail of jellybeans as Martin rubbed his hands/ stuffed animal stumps together anxiously.

He had just finished swallowing the last of the jellybeans when his eyes swelled with excitement at the sight before him. Towering over him was a giant flaming oven. Next to it was a sign marked with crossbones, reading:

_Wal-Mart Brand Human Incinerator: Will burn enemies to a darkened crisp suitable for shish kabob any time of the year! Warnings: Do not use if pregnant, side effects may include confusion, psychotic delusions, and some discomfort…_

Only that's not what Kamui saw as he read the sign. "Mweeee!" he yelped as he clapped his hands. "It's the Cheesecake Happy Land!" And he edged closer to the lethal inferno in the oven.

"Yes…yes…!" hissed Martin.

Kamui was just about to leap into the oven when the castle door burst open to yet again send Martin flying into his own trap. "Your Majesty!" cried Yuuto. "I've got Freezies! Cherry Freezies!"

Kamui jumped up and down cheerfully, as Martin screamed in agony. "FREEZIES!" It wasn't long until he was slurping merrily.

"IT BURNS! IT BUUUURNNS!" shrieked Martin.

Kamui looked up from his cherry Freezie. "And now, Pink Minion! We shall search again for the elusive, yet almighty Waldo!"

But Yuuto was heading to the door. "Sorry, your majesty…but I must worship my Taco lord!"

"But…But…" Kamui's lip trembled at the idea of being left alone, but a moment later, he was dancing. "I get his Freezie! Freezie, Freezie, Freezie, wee!"

Martin groaned in a dark corner. "MY THORAX! I CAN'T FEEL MY THORAX!"

_Location: Dunkin' Donuts_

The three Special Friends bravely stood across from the evil Sand Witch. Kakyou had just finished speaking. "And that's my plan!" he finished proudly.

Arashi was puzzled. "But what's the girdle used for?"

_Magic Taco: And how are we supposed to get all that horseradish?_

"SORATA HUNGRY!"

The Dreamseer shrugged. "Just distract the Sand Witch!"

Yuzuriha had found Kakyou. "Aha! Now it is time to meet your demise! Nothing shall save your hair, Captain Kakyou, once I—HEY!" The bottle of hair dye that she had once been holding was replaced by a can of shaving cream.

"Keep away! Keep away!" sung Arashi as she tossed the hair dye to Sorata.

"And now to vanish before their eyes!" Kakyou pulled away his mask, and became the suspicious newspaper editor with the dark secret once more.

"Drat! He disappeared again!" Yuzuriha, abandoned the superhero, and ran back and forth between Arashi and Sorata. "Heeey! Stop it! No fair!"

"Hahaha! Silly villain! As long as we keep this bottle, there's no way you can defeat us!" remarked Arashi once she had caught the bottle.

_Magic Taco: And then we can vanquish you for good!_

"SORATA HUNGRY!" he repeated, this time more impatient. And when he grabbed the stolen bottle, he bit open the lid to down the contents.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Arashi and Yuzuriha in unison.

But then Yuzuriha realized something. She realized that the mentally unstable author had left a hole in the story as to where exactly she got all that Martha Stewart Hair Dye in the first place. That meant that it could just conveniently pop out of air…which it did…at that moment. "Huahahahaha! Again you lose, Special Friends. No one will be able to stop me! Not once I go into Ultra-Mega Mode!"

Kakyou suddenly reappeared by Arashi's side, looking very pleased with himself. "Did you…?" she began.

The Dreamseer nodded. "The Penguin has landed."

Yuzuriha reached into her pocket for another package of Pocky, but when her hand materialized, it held something quite different. She paled. "No…!"

In her hand was a container of chocolate Yan Yan.

"NOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT THE SAME! GAAAAAH!" The girl's knees were trembling.

"Mystical Donut of Wisdom! Your sacrifice was not in vain!" called out Kakyou.

Arashi smiled. "And that leaves only one thing left to do!" The Warrior Princess then calmly approached the psychotic Sand Witch, and poked her in the stomach. "Poke."

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Yuzuriha had fallen to the floor, defeated.

"Hooray!"

As Yuzuriha writhed on the floor, the container of Yan Yan fell out of her hand and rolled to Sorata before he ate the hair dye.

So everyone was happy…well except Yuzuriha, and the deceased Wise Donut…and Martin, don't forget about him. And Fuuma still doesn't have his Zingers…and Subaru lost his ticket ribbon. But for those few deranged seconds, the Dunkin' Donuts had a happy moment, for the Special Friends had won their second battle. Hooray!

What obstacles await the Special Friends? Will Martin ever kill Kamui? Freezies! Where IS Waldo? Find out some of this next chapter! Later!


	17. Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would seal Yuuto in a giant zip lock bag in a doorless cell equipped only with a package of oreos and a video camera. Mwaha, the possibilities….

It's chapter 17! The coolest chapter yet to be seen! I'm addicted to the coffee bean! Martin is mean! Sorata's hair is green! Thanks for reviewing! Makes me wanna sing! I am the rhyming queen!

Luv,-een!

Kakyou-luverx-een!

* * *

**Ch. 17 Yo Quiero Taco Bell**

_Location: Walgreen's_

Karen drummed her fingers against the check-out counter impatiently as the cashier slowly took one item after another from the giant pile she had clumped over the table. "All I'm saying is WHY NOT give the damn rabbit some Trix for once? God knows that they've got enough of—"

"Uh…uh-huh…" whimpered the Cashier. The poor teenager at the counter was shaking as she rung up the strange items before her. So far she had counted thirty-four packs of matches, twelve angry-mob sized torches, some J-ello pudding, eighty-three lighters, six gallons of oil, two sacks of coal, every flammable aerosol can known to the store, a package of firewood, and finally…Trix.

Karen slammed her fist into the table. "But nooo…those little brats keep the cereal to themselves. And that's just a little too suspicious for my blood. I mean, who would go to the jungle just to eat cereal? They're up to something and—"

"Umm…um, ma'am?" stammered the cashier. "The total comes to four-hundred and forty-two—"

"The government must be in on it too!" she continued to slur. "How can a group of American children sneak into the depths of an African jungle armed with nothing but milk and cereal? I'll tell ya…they're SPIES! Every last one of 'em! And the rabbit…it's a Russian aircraft wanting to get the secret formula all this time and—"

The Cashier hesitantly poked Karen on the shoulder. "M-m-ma'am…are you okay? You seem dazzled…"

Karen's eyes narrowed. "……dazzled?...DAZZLED! The BRAS sent you, didn't they? DIDN'T THEY? Well you're not getting my TRIX! DAAAAAZZZLEEEED!"

On that day, all those who gazed from Tokyo Tower could see a mushroom cloud rising in the distance. A mushroom cloud that soon took the eerie shape of a fuzzy cereal mascot.

_Location: Taco Bell_

"Yeah, I'll take a number nine, soft tacos, extra tomatoes, and…what is that?" exclaimed a Taco Bell patron at the front counter.

The store manager let out a disturbed moan as he poked his head around the corner. "Oh Christ…he's still here, isn't he?"

The customer blinked at the sight before him. "…………what's he doing?"

"He came in an hour ago to order a Taco and a soda, and since then, he's been bowing and raving…" groaned the Manager.

"OH WISE AND MAJESTIC MAGIC TACO! I SERVE YOU AND ONLY YOU UNTIL THE DAY OF MEATY JUDGEMENT!" screamed Yuuto as he bowed before his table. He had somehow fashioned a high pedestal on the edge of the table that seated a single, untouched Taco.

The Manager sweat-dropped and turned back to the customer. "You know what? Your order's on the house. Just take the tacos, run, and never speak a word of this to anyone!"

"Speak a word of what?" winked the customer. However, when he grabbed his tacos and turned to the condiment table for some fire sauce, he gasped. "Th-the fire sauce!"

Meanwhile the Manager, armed with a broom, stomped over to Yuuto's altar. "Okay buddy! It's time to haul your taco-worship'n ass out of this restaurant! This is a dignified family facility, dammit!"

Yuuto continued to bow to the Taco shrine. "BENEVELENT MAGIC TACO! YOUR DISCIPLE WORSHIPS YOUR IDOL, AND OBEYS YOUR COMMAND!" He abruptly broke away from his bowing position to drink from his soda.

"So that's how he's gonna play it, huh?" The Manager gave a solemn nod, and reached into his pocket for a walkie talkie. "Bring out…El Grande…."

The back door flew open, and a menacing shadow fell over Yuuto. The Water Master gulped. "…El Grande?"

The shadow growled.

_Location: Dunkin' Donuts_

Kakyou grinned in satisfaction once he had placed the last fork around the defeated Yuzuriha to make a plastic cage.

"I have contained the evil Sand Witch, for she is now sealed behind my impenetrable force field of which there is no escape!" declared the Dreamseer proudly. The moment he turned around, Yuzuriha moaned, and her arm knocked down the fork cage. Kakyou hung his head.

Arashi's eyes widened as she gazed at her partner's boxers. "Your boxers!" she cried. "They're vibrating!"

After a quick glance down, he paused thoughtfully for letting out a cry. "Oh! It's the Kakyou phone!" And he reached into a pocket (A/N: yes, the boxers conveniently have pockets) and produced the carrot. "Captain Kakyou, reading you loud and clear-bzzt! Over!" He pressed his ear against the carrot, and nodded to himself for a moment, but suddenly, his calm face exploded into panic. "WHAT?"

"What happened? What happened?" exclaimed Arashi.

Sorata sat gobbling down the last of his Yan Yan, his mouth covered in chocolate. "MMMF-FMMAMFA?"

Kakyou lowered the carrot, his beautiful features clearly distraught. "It's L.E.M.O.N.! They…they took a Special Friend's Zingers!"

Arashi gasped. "The brutality…"

Kakyou shook his head in disgust. "To have snatched away what was most sacred to a Special Friend…when will they learn? It could have only been the work of the Fairy Queen!"

_Magic Taco: No…this sacrilege was perpetrated by my servant, Yuuto…even now, his acts are known to his master. The fool…_

Arashi stared. "Yuu…to?"

_Magic Taco: (Sigh) The Pink Minion!_

"The traitorous fiend!" she shouted.

Kakyou put away the carrot. "Come, Special Friends, we haven't a moment to lose!"

But Arashi did not make a move. "You must continue without me! I gave my oath as a Warrior Princess to never rest until all of the gentle donut folk were liberated! And that is what I must do!"

Kakyou bowed dramatically. "Your cause is just and true! For the donut race is indeed great…then that leaves the two of us!"

_Magic Taco: One. Come if you like…but this is personal. A showdown, meaty wrath versus meaty wrath, a death match over the fluorescent lighting of my shrine that is Taco Bell._

Sorata's eyes and voice suddenly faded back to normal. "SORATA WANT BURRITO!"

_Magic Taco: U.U You just ate, you gelatinous tub of lard! _

Kakyou rubbed his chin. "A quesadilla really would hit the spot about now…"

"BURRITO!" continued Sorata.

_Magic Taco: Stuff it, you goddamn pile of shit!... Now onward, flesh monkey! So that the day shall be ours!_

_Location: Taco Bell_

Yuuto stood to defend his taco idol. "By all that is sacred, I shall not let you defile this shrine!"

The Manager tsked. "Then you leave me no choice…forth, El Grande!" The shadow snarled and rushed forward, but with each step that it took, its form diminished against the brightly lit wall, until all that was left was—

"A baby rat!" cooed Yuuto at the Chihuahua that stood before him.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell…" replied the Chihuahua.

"Wee!" he squealed, and bent down to pat it on the head. "You talk…such a cute fluffy-wuffy sweetums! Oh yes you are! Yes you are! Can you say 'Yuuto'?"

"Yo quiero Taco Bell."

"Who's a good boy! WHO'S A GOOD BOY? You are! You precious little vermin! You—" Before the Water Master could speak another word, the Chihuahua plunged its teeth into his hand. "AAAH Get it off! Get it off! Get it offoffoffoffoffoff!"

As if on cue, the doors burst open to reveal two men in neatly pressed, black suits. The first man flashed a badge. "We're with the border patrol! Which one of you is Mr. H. Chihuahua?"

"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" responded the dog, Yuuto's hand still firmly between its teeth.

"Your visa has expired! Book 'em, Charlie!" The second officer stiffly approached the dog with a set of handcuffs.

"This is always the hardest part of the job…" remarked the first officer with remorse as the dog was pried from Yuuto.

"YO QUIERO TACO BELL!" protested the Chihuahua as he was dragged away.

"Tell it to the judge, pal!" And they were gone, leaving a pissed off, psychotic Water Master with a nervous manager.

The Manager shifted about uneasily, but clasped the handle of his broomstick tighter. "Well…I still have the broom." But before he had a chance to unleash his terrible broom powers, he was swept out the store by a jet of Code Red.

Yuuto jumped up and down rejoicing. "Now this Taco Sanctuary is mine! ALL MINE! And no one can stop me! NO ONE!"

_Magic Taco: Think again!_

At the door stood a possessed Sorata next to Kakyou. The two stared down their nemesis gravely, each side poised to fight to the death if necessary. Kakyou clenched his fists and solemnly stepped forward. Yuuto glared at Kakyou. Kakyou glared at Yuuto. And they had entered a mental stalemate that would prove lethal for the both of them with the slightest error…

Kakyou took a deep breath. "I'll have a cheese quesadilla…with a side of nachos…"

Sorata's eyes went back to normal. "BURRITO?"

Yuuto walked to the register and carefully inputted the order into the computer. "Would you like a drink with that?"

Kakyou smiled. "No, I'm good."

Yuuto diligently prepared the food as Kakyou waited at a table. "Order 496! One quesadilla, side of nachos and a burrito!"

"Oh goodie!" Kakyou grabbed the bag, and merrily skipped his way to the condiment table. However, once he reached it, he paled. "No…NO!" All the Fire Sauce had been stolen.

Yuuto leapt from the counter. "Teeheeheeheehee…" Both Sorata and Kakyou stared at him, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I mean…MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"The sauce! Give back the sauce!" cried the Dreamseer.

"Not a chance, Special Friends!" laughed Yuuto. "You'll have to get through me, first!"

_Magic Taco: Then there's only one way to settle this…_

_Location: Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena_

Martin held down a struggling octopus. "This one can't fail!" He yelled, his voice ringing with pride. Behind him was an elaborate trap that could have only been conceived from the mind of an evil genius.

It began with buckets of melted vanilla ice cream, followed by a pile of raw eggs. Next was a hazardous pool of cherry soda filled with angry, rabid sea otters, which finally led to the clutches of a rather irritated giant octopus. The plan was foolproof!

"Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHA! I cannot lose!" The stuffed animal limped away, trying to hold in his charred stuffing from his last failed attempt.

Meanwhile, Kamui was sitting in a corner with a large stack of books. "If I cannot seek out this Waldo the old fashioned way, then I will study, and use very complicated, smart-people science to capture the elusive one! Hahaha!" He then turned to flip open the latest 'Where's Waldo?' book.

"Oh Kam—err, Fairy Queen! I've found Waldo!" called Martin.

His eyes lit up. "WALDO?" Kamui jumped to his feet and excitedly sprinted down the large golf castle.

On his way, he tripped over the buckets of ice cream, sending them rolling. One bucket crashed into the egg pile, and the eggs flew everywhere. Several more buckets splashed into the cherry soda pool, and the vicious sea otters, along with a red soda wave, were jettisoned straight at the octopus whose ink sprayed all across the castle walls.

Kamui indignantly brushed off his pink dress as the ruin unfolded before him. "Ow…" he whined. But when his lavender eyes fell on the castle floor before him, he saw something that he did not expect. Two eggs had splattered against the cheap plastic, and dripping around those eggs was the black ink. The otters were moaning in agony above the eggs. The vanilla ice cream had mixed with the cherry soda to create a vague stripe pattern. Now the eggs and ink sorta seemed like eyes and glasses, and the dying otters had created dark hair…all that combined with the stripes and it almost looked like…

Kamui screamed victoriously. "WALDO!"

A lovely end for demented chapter 17. Sadly Kakyou-luverx is lazy and will be away for another week. And do you know why? Because Kakyou-luverx will be shipped away to camp. God help us all.


	18. Cheesy Redemption and Charlie the Chalup

Disclaimer: This one time, when I tried to own X, CLAMP locked me away in a duct tape prison with a disturbed emu with whooping cough and a bowl of chile. Don't ask me how I was supposed to get outta that one…

Again, Kakyou-luverx has returned from another one of her lazy breaks at camp unscathed….well except for getting beaned by twelve heavy objects…and risking her crazy little life for a chocolate muffin, and don't forget the baby bunny that sat there plotting to kill her, as if it had anything better in its bleak and short life to do, instead of glaring at her in the rain on a Tuesday afternoon, wiggling its nose in that way that says, "fresh meat", and… damn rabbits…hmm…what was I saying?

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch. 18 Cheesy Redemption and Charlie the Chalupa**

_Location: Downtown Tokyo_

The golden glow of the street lamps at each corner began to flicker on as the sky's brilliance vanished. All across Tokyo, the hard-working pedestrians were fading, leaving each wide boulevard an entirely different world. A separate dimension, almost, left to peace and quiet…well, most of them anyway…

"My divine Magical Relic! It is time that you awaken to fulfill your duty to your master, a duty worthy to your name, filled with nobility and glory beyond all other tasks!" Fuuma held the Tinkerbelle wand high over his head before a massing crowd of uncomfortable passerbys. His eyes snapped shut, and his face locked into deep concentration. Fuuma slowly dropped to his knees, and placed the wand ceremoniously onto the concrete sidewalk.

The crowd leaned their heads in a little closer with hushed whispers of curiosity, but before any of them dared to take a step closer, Fuuma gave the plastic wand a spin. "NOW TELL ME WHICH WAY TO MY ZINGERS! WHERE ARE MY ZINGERS?"

The wand slowed until its flimsy glitter tip pointed at a lamppost. Fuuma was seething. "DEMON LAMPPOST! GIVE ME BACK MY ZINGERS! L.E.M.O.N.'S LAMPPOST HAS MY ZINGERS!" He then charged to kick the crap out of the lamppost.

As the onlookers were fleeing from this madman, Subaru was twirling his catholic schoolgirl's skirt on the far edge of the sidewalk without Seishirou's towering presence. "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty!" he sung as he spun around in fast circles. "Pretty and witty and—"

The door from across the street jingled open, and Seishirou skipped out of the store holding a big lollipop. "Suby-kun! Sei-san's gotta treat for you!"

Subaru's eyes enlarged. "CANDY!" And he rushed straight into the path of a cruising mini-van. The onmyouji swallowed hard as the oncoming vehicle closed in on him. It might have been all over for our drugged hero, but suddenly a gentle hand clasped onto his shoulder, and he was pulled back onto the sidewalk.

Behind him was a nice, old-looking man. "You ought to be more careful, young lady." His eyes became crazy as they shifted about in paranoia. "The streets have ears on Thursday nights…they want me lucky charms…"

"Have I told you the time I went on a mission for revenge on the high seas? It was for that white whale, with the wrinkled brow and crooked jaw…named MOBY DICK! CALL ME ISHMAEL!" screamed the old man.

Subaru blinked. "Candy?"

Seishirou was shrieking from across the street. "NO! THE EVIL WARLOCK-MAN HAS SUBARU-KUN!"

The crazy old man innocently reached into his pocket. "Would you like some kiwi fruit?"

"SUBARU, RUN!" screamed Seishirou.

And that mean, nice old man had almost succeeded in his plot to give Subaru a deliciously fruity snack when all of the sudden, a truck pulled up to the curb, its door flew open, and—SMACK!

The old man was cudgeled on the head by the car door. And, as he lay bleeding to death, a shadow rustled within the truck. "I…have arrived!" it declared.

Seishirou had finally made it across the street to embrace Subaru in relief. He then turned to the shadow in the pick-up truck. "You saved Suby-kun! Who are you?"

The shadow chuckled. "Who am I, you ask? Who am I? Hear my name, and revere my greatness!" The figure inside then emerged into the lamplight, and Seishirou and Subaru gasped in amazement at what stood over them. It was a man in a large foam suit that resembled a tortilla.

"Magic Taco!" giggled Subaru.

The man shook his head. "No, deluded little cretin. I am the NEW Taco Bell mascot!" he replied proudly. "They said they wouldn't give me the job unless that troublesome Chihuahua was hauled away screaming by two men in black, and now IT IS TIME! At last, let the reign of Charlie the Chalupa begin!"

Seishirou tugged on a bunny ear thoughtfully. "Charlie the Chalupa? Why not Gregg the Gordito? Or Quinn the Quesadilla?"

"Magic Taco!" persisted Subaru.

"No!" snapped Charlie. "I am a Chalupa, and my name is Charlie! CHARLIE the CHALUPA! And I am the new ruler of the sacred kingdom that is Taco Bell!"

Seishirou clasped his hands in excitement. "Tell me of this Bell of Tacos…"

The Chalupa bent closer to the two, and his arms settled over their shoulders. "'tis a magical and blessed land of cheese and salsa, the land of free refills and grande meals, the land of cockroaches and sugary churros!"

Subaru let out an excited squeal. "Churros?"

"That settles it!" cried Seishirou. "Take us to this mystical land!"

"Then take my hand, unworthy unbelievers, and follow me to the kingdom of tacos!" replied Charlie as he offered a hand to the both of them.

Seishirou scratched his head. "Though it feels like we might be forgetting someone…"

As Seishirou and Subaru skipped merrily away with Charlie the Chalupa, Fuuma stood huffing over a bent and mangled lamppost. "TALK ALREADY! WHERE ARE MY ZINGERS?" When the lamppost didn't respond, Fuuma laid the Tinkerbelle wand back on the ground to give it a spin.

Lying across the now deserted street corner was the crazy man. "Hey, I'm still alive! And I must defeat the rats of NIMH to save the eighth dimension!" he ranted as he bled.

The wand had chosen its new target, and Fuuma went running in the man's direction. "ZINGERS!"

_Location: Taco Bell_

Sorata's possessed eyes narrowed at Yuuto.

_Magic Taco: My faithful servant, Yuuto. Can you not see you have strayed from the path of cheesy enlightenment?_

The Water Master jumped. "Wh-who said that?"

_Magic Taco: It is I, your benevolent taco god, the Magic Taco._

Yuuto's eyes brightened. "Mighty Magic Taco! You're alive!" However, when his gaze fell on the possessed Sorata, his expression returned to its cold and dark glare, and his Code Red swirled furiously around him. "It's YOU! The unbeliever who destroyed the Magic Taco! How dare you impersonate my lord!"

_Magic Taco: No Yuuto! You must listen before it is too late!_

But Yuuto wasn't listening. "It's time I finally spread my revenge over this doomed city. Die!"

_Magic Taco: Then I have no choice…I must call to the heavens for my otherworldly powers to smite my disciple. Only then can he see the error of his path and—_

Sorata's eyes turned normal again. "BURRITO!" he cheered happily, and made his way over to one of the plastic booths to dine, despite the spirit's vehement protests. He chomped down on the burrito. "YUMMY!"

_Magic Taco:…………shit……………mmm…hey, this is sorta good… _

Kakyou uneasily flicked his hair, the Dreamseer now the only one standing against Yuuto's wrath. "Slave of L.E.M.O.N.! Handover the Zingers and Fire Sauce to the Special Friends!"

Yuuto pondered the demand for a moment. "Nope, sorry…"

Kakyou folded his arms after pausing at length. "Then maybe you can just give back the fire sauce?"

"No."

"…pretty please?"

The other continued to shake his head. "Nuh-uh…I've got special top secret plans!"

Kakyou gaped. "With fire sauce?"

"Huahahahaha! Exactly, do you dare to know the extent of my cruelty?" cackled Yuuto.

The Dreamseer shrugged indifferently. "No, not really…"

"Since you begged with your pathetic life, I might as well indulge you! Come, gaze at my blueprint for evil!" shouted Yuuto as he pulled out an elaborately drawn chalkboard. "Stage One: steal fire sauce!"

Kakyou stared at the chalkboard in awe. The first drawing had a stick figure in a burglar mask labeled 'me (stealing stuff)'. "Stage Two," continued Yuuto. "Defeat Special Friends!" The next picture was of stick figure Yuuto standing over a pile of decapitated stick figure heads with a can of Code Red. An arrow was pointing to the pile of heads: '(Bad Special Friends, Boo!)' "And with the Special Friends annihilated, nothing can stop me from fulfilling the ultimate objective which will send Tokyo into a whirlpool of misery!"

Kakyou wordlessly stared at the final picture, a poorly drawn car. "…"

Yuuto was laughing maniacally. "I SHALL PUT THEM UNDER ALL THE CAR TIRES OF THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOO! The humanity!" screamed Kakyou.

Yuuto flung away the chalkboard and turned to face the panicked Dreamseer. "Now you know too much!" He raised a hand, and the jets of caffeinated soda swarmed about his fingers menacingly. "Farewell, Captain Kakyou!"

With a quick gasp, Kakyou braced himself for the impact, but to his surprise, when Yuuto had released the Code Red in his direction, he was completely unaffected. In fact, the soda had never even reached him, but it bounced away as if there were a magical barrier between them…

"That's what you think, Pink Minion!" exclaimed Seishirou, as he popped out of nowhere by Kakyou's side with an unwrapped roll of Saran Wrap.

"Pink, pink!" echoed Subaru cheerily.

"Now give back Subaru-kun's ribbon!" growled the older onmyouji.

Yuuto was unshaken. "A wise decision to bring up a kekkai here to keep me out, Special Friends…but you have made a fatal mistake…because it shall also keep you in!" Suddenly, a large amount of Code Red swept into the Saran Wrap Barrier, and began to rise quickly to their knees. "Now you can all drown in the majesty that is CODE RED!"

"We'll never escape from one of these barriers!" despaired Kakyou.

"Wet, Sei-san!" squeaked Subaru, and he jumped into the other's arms.

Seishirou took in a deep, relaxed breath. "It's not over yet! We have a new Special Friend who will save us! Charlie, the Chalupa!" Nothing happened. "…Charlie?"

_Location: Downtown Tokyo_

(Angsty music plays)

Fuuma sat sniffling under the ruined lamppost. "An-and that's how I lost Mr. Huggles. And then…just when I was about to awaken my Magic Relic with the power of my Zingers…(sniff)…he took them! HE TOOK MY ZINGERS!" he sobbed.

The dying, crazy old man nodded perceptibly to himself. "Hmm, it sounds to me like you have a post-traumatic stress disorder which causes you to seek a dependent relationship on inanimate objects…"

Fuuma stared in astonishment of the not-so-crazy old guy, but the man suddenly let out a high-pitched bark. "PINEAPPLES!"

Fuuma sweat-dropped. "I just want Mr. Huggles back…"

The man rubbed his chin. "Tell me, did anything traumatic happen in your past?"

He looked around thoughtfully. "Hmm…"

_Flashback to four-year old Fuuma at circus._ "_Mommy, I wanna balloon, mommy!" Saya buys the kid a big balloon to shut him up, and it flies off with him on it. "MOMMY!"_

_Flashback to five year-old Fuuma with a jack-in-the-box. The puppet jumps out unexpectedly, and slams little Fuuma in the face. "MY NOSE!"_

_Flashback to decapitated head of Saya in frequent visions._

_Flashback to killing own sister._

_Flashback to older Fuuma strolling down the park only to be descended on by several dozen aggressive birds. "MY EYES…!"_

Fuuma sighed. "damn birds…"

"Well, the answer is simple, isn't it?" broke in the old man. "You can't be ruled by your fears. You must take action, and bravely fight for those who you want to protect."

Fuuma jumped to his feet, his confidence restored. "Then that's what I'm gonna do! Just wait, Mr. Huggles, when I get my Zingers I will hammer my Magic Relic into L.E.M.O.N.'s fortress!" (Author is currently on the floor laughing from bad innuendo)

"That's the spirit! Now if only I could feel my legs, and I could escape this lethal predicament and destroy that white whale for good…"

Fuuma was already running off into the distance. "Bye Crazy-old-geezer-who-I-was-gonna-kill-if-he-had-my-Zingers-but-didn't-have-my-Zingers-and-turned-out-to-be-smart-because-he-got-me-to-search-for-Mr. Huggles-and-the-Zingers-again-while-he-is-shuffled-slowly-off-the-mortal-coil-man! Special Friend, away!"

_Location: Taco Bell_

The Saran Wrap barrier was nearly filled to the top with the deadly Code Red, leaving Subaru, Kakyou and Seishirou barely any air to breathe. Amidst Yuuto's evil laughter, he shook his hands up and down, causing the fluid within to shake the three captives around like a snow globe.

The Water Master clapped his hands. "Prettyful!"

Kakyou gasped for air at the top. "You-You'll never get away with this Pink Minion!"

"Oh? And who's gonna stop me!"

"ROAR!" A shrill cry sounded from the distance. At the top corner of the store was a shadowy figure. "You have made war on Taco Bell! Prepare for your doom!" Suddenly the figure flew through the air.

"It's a bird!" cried Yuuto.

"It's a plane!" argued Kakyou inside the barrier.

"Churro!" guessed Subaru.

"No!" gasped Seishirou. "It's…it's CHARLIE THE CHALUPA!"

Charlie flew through the air, draped in a Taco Bell banner/cape that read 'open until midnight'. "GYAAAAAA!" The Chalupa mascot then swooped down and kicked a hole into the Saran Wrap barrier to set them all free. Charlie landed a few inches away from Yuuto, and struck a courageous pose. "Your Tyranny ends here!"

But Yuuto shot another stream of Code Red straight into Charlie, and the Chalupa flew into a wall.

"CHARLIE!" cried Seishirou.

Yuuto stood triumphantly over the fallen chalupa. "And now to end this."

But just at that moment, a Taco Bell miracle occurred. Sorata had finished his burrito! So just as Yuuto crept closer to deal the final blow on poor Charlie, a Choco Taco smacked him in the back of the head. Enraged, Yuuto whirled around to find a possessed Sorata staring him down.

_Magic Taco: Yuuto, you will not listen, so I must summon all of my power to prove to you that I am your true god!_

With those words, the tile floor of the Taco Bell began to quake, and Sorata's eyes glowed crimson. All of the fluorescent lights of the restaurant were burning away one by one, and a ball of light began to appear over his head. The light swelled brighter and larger with every second , until it was at the point that it would explode.

_Magic Taco: HYAAAAA!_

The light flooded over the Taco Bell at the Magic Taco's cry, sending shards of concrete and buckets of ground taco meat flying into the air. When the blinding light had cleared, they were all standing on a barren wasteland that once was Taco Bell.

Yuuto groaned as he pulled himself up from the ground, but when he looked up, his face was overwhelmed with shock. Hovering over him, was the ghost-like figure of the Magic Taco.

"It can't be?" he exclaimed.

(more dramatic music plays)

_Magic Taco: Yuuto…do you at last see?_

"But you were eaten! I thought you were gone forever!" cried Yuuto.

_Magic Taco: I will never be gone forever, Yuuto…because I'll live on…in your heart._

Yuuto placed a hand over his heart. "In…my heart?"

_Magic Taco: …Well, actually, in his heart..._

The Taco gestured at Charlie the Chalupa who was moaning from the attack.

_Magic Taco: I can't stand another damn second with that pile of lard that ate me, and you were a disappointing servant and all…but Charlie the Chalupa pleases me. I shall possess him, and make him the true Taco mascot he is inside…so that's where I'll be…_

The Magic Taco faded, but in an instant Charlie the Chalupa was standing by the other Special Friends, his eyes green and possessed.

_Magic Taco: The rest falls on these brave souls, the Special Friends, and you, Yuuto. Do not fail me…_

Yuuto bowed. "On this day, I surrender to the will of the Special Friends, and I shall repent to find my way back to cheesy enlightenment!"

"Aww…another happy ending for the Special Friends! And nothing had to be harmed!" remarked Kakyou as he stood proudly in the ruins of the Taco Bell.

"Special Friends win!" agreed Subaru.

But their happy ending was quickly interrupted by deranged, homicidal puffing. Fuuma was snarling at the edge of the wasteland. "MY ZINGERS!"

Yuuto sweat-dropped. "Bother…"

And the Special Friends triumph yet again. I made this chapter especially long just for astute Sakurazuka-chan And yes, it is a very weird one, as Kakyou-luverx has a random streak to shake out. Now only the evil Fairy Queen remains…will the Special Friend's thwart L.E.M.O.N. in time? Find out next chapter!


	19. Encounter at the First Hole

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would toss all the Angels and Seals into a burlap sack with foam swords and elevator music…yes, I am twisted.

Wooooooo! Could it be? YES! The moment you've all been waiting for! Not Chapter 9, or Chapter 10. It's CHAPTER 19! A celebration of the wonderful number that is Nineteen. And how do I welcome this momentous occasion, you ask? Well I have eaten 19 Hershey's Kisses (you know the kind, with the caramel…), 19 chips (mmm…cheesy Doritos…) and 19 sticks of wonderful pocky (NOT Yan Yan, mind you). Now I'm sure there are some of you at home sitting at the computer wondering why the hell you should give a flying doo-dah about 19, thinking that Kakyou-luverx has finally plunged into a whirlpool of insanity of which there is no ending (…finally?). Well, I'll have you all know that nineteen is a very special number, yes it is. Remember that one time when Subaru and his teddy…wait no, that had nothing to do with nineteen….well, you can't forget the time when Kamui got that bottle of cleanser and….no, nineteen wasn't there also… (sigh) Well maybe nineteen isn't the most appreciated number of them all, but it is the highest number for one of my chapters yet! So everyone, grab some candy, and celebrate until you can't anymore! CHAPTER NINETEEN!

Luv, (with WAAAY too much sugar to know what the hell is going on…)

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

_Location: Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena_

The deep indigo of the night sky had settled quite comfortably over the entire area, leaving the Golf-a-Rena to light the way for its late-night patrons. And so each obstacle, whether it was the misshapen sperm whale at the second hole, or the rabid monkey statue on the thirteenth flared to life in cheap, fluorescent splendor.

But there was one hole that didn't light up, and the children stayed far away from it. The eighteenth hole was rumored to haunted by malevolent ghosts, a theory that all the mini-golfing hicks at Gary's were beginning to support, what with an eerie squeaky sound echoing about, and the bone-chilling ring of the spirits slurping freezies. And they were wise to stay away from it. For as the faint glow of the other holes wandered over the forbidding plastic castle on the eighteenth, a terrible plot was taking place within.

"Great, omniscient leader! With your power, I shall be invincible in battle, impervious to all magical attacks! Give me strength!" Kamui bowed at the castle's center where a deteriorating face stared blankly back up at him. "Hail Waldo!" The vague shape of Waldo said nothing, but Kamui shot up in alarm. "What's that, Waldo? The Pink Minion's betrayed me?" Kamui's eyes narrowed, and he took a dramatic pause. "Then it is finally time…"

**Chapter 19: Encounter at the First Hole**

_Location: Parking Lot of Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena_

Fuuma hastily shoved the last bit of his recovered Zingers into his mouth. "MMmmf—MMffmmmm, mm, mmm, ffmmm, afmm, fmmfmm!"

Seishirou blinked in confusion. "Your pet rock's name is Tina?"

The other shook his head, and gulped down the cholesterol-teeming snack. "With my Zingers returned to me, I can now awaken my Magical Relic in the face of L.E.M.O.N.!" He corrected, waving around his Tinkerbelle Wand.

The Sakurazukamori shrugged indifferently, and returned to his previous…errm, project. Tearing one last sheet of Saran Wrap from his roll and fixing it onto a giant Saran-Wrapped blob, he nodded in satisfaction at his work of art.

"Piñata! Piñata!" chanted Subaru, who had somehow acquired a club and a blindfold.

"HAAALP!" screamed a muffled voice from within the struggling blob. Suddenly a tuft of heavily-dyed, red hair peaked from the top of the blob, Yuuto's terrified face following soon after.

"Okay, Suby-kun!" cooed Seishirou. "Now you can beat the evil ribbon-stealing vermin to a bruised pulp all you want!"

"SORATA WANT CANDY!" exclaimed the Kansai monk.

Meanwhile, Kakyou was arguing with the man at the entrance's booth. "But I wanna storm L.E.M.O.N.'s fortress and halt the vile plan to enslave all of Tokyo _now_!" he whined.

The man yawned unsympathetically. "Sorry, kid. You know the rules. Come back when you get some pants." He stared at Kakyou's bra, and sweat-dropped. "…and a shirt for that matter! Geez, kids these days…"

"Mr. Huggles!" cried Fuuma further away. "I'm coming, I'll save you!"

Yuuto was beginning to tremble after Subaru had taken a few practice swings with his club, and managed to hit a low-flying bird. "Wa-wait! You don't wanna do this! I'm good now! I can get you to the Fairy Queen!"

Fuuma gasped, and jumped in before Subaru could have another practice swing. "The Fairy Queen? And Mr. Huggles?" At Yuuto's timid nod, Fuuma had leapt onto the Saran Wrap blob. "TELL MEEEEEE!"

"Within the fortress is a confusing labyrinth of which there is no escape. Only I know the way to the Fairy Queen…." Explained Yuuto gravely.

Subaru was becoming impatient. "PIÑATA!" But in the middle of his tantrum, the Golf-a-Rena began to fill with many wavy colors, and his head was spinning once again, which could only mean one thing!

"Hey-hey, Subaru! Long time, no see, homie!" exclaimed the Subaru Angel.

The onmyouji lifted an eyebrow. "Angel?"

But the illusion shook his head. "Naw, I'm actually the devil. Ya see, they caught the angel dating a plate of mash potatoes rambling something about hat goblins, and decided to replace 'em with me," replied the angel, who was actually the devil filling in for the angel. His face went sour. "Oh, but of course, they couldn't just give me my old job back because that damn replacement was Soooo impressive. Damn bastard…." And with that, the second puff of smoke revealed the familiar form of the sack of beans, and the angel, who was actually the devil filling in for the angel began a rather not-nice rant.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Kakyou as he bolted at the other Special Friends. Behind him was a pack of ferocious, well-trained squirrels.

"And don't come back!" shouted the man at the booth, who was angrily waving a nine-iron in the air.

The Dreamseer panted on the ground once he had reached his comrades, and the squirrels stopped their chase. "Th-the Guard of L.E.M.O.N. won't let….us in!" he exclaimed.

Fuuma sighed. "That insidious Fairy Queen! But the Special Friends must infiltrate L.E.M.O.N.'s fortress!"

Everyone fell silent, trying to scheme a way into the fortress to no avail. Subaru expectantly turned to his, uh, guardians for advice. However, the angel, who was actually the devil filling in for the angel was in the middle of his own rambling.

"…so I'm not the perfect side dish that can be refried, but I'm cute, dammit! Aren't I cute?" he growled in a half crazed tone. "Look at this halo, the SACK doesn't have a HALO, does it? DOES IT? ….oh, now what are you staring at?"

Subaru's emerald eyes begged to the illusions. "Plan?"

But the angel, who was actually…blahblah, etcetera…had fallen into yet another emotional break down. "OH? So now I deserve attention 'cause you need guiding? What do I look like, a damned conscience? Well I'm not playin' Mister-I-like-that-brownosin'-sack-of-pintos-more-than-the-trained-professional-devil-who-took-eight-years-of-prep-school-and-baking-lessons-on-the-side-for-his-deserved-job! Why don't you talk to your new friend! I know, why don't you marry the damn thing, and piss off!" And he vanished, leaving Subaru alone. In dire need. With a sack of beans. Again.

The onmyouji turned back to the sack of beans, which continued to keep silent. It looked as if the Special Friends had at last reached a stalemate, but then something miraculous happened!

The sack of beans fell over. And pointed to their salvation.

A FedEx man was hauling several huge crates down from his truck. "Irregular night shipment of golf balls!" he cried out, oblivious to the strange company around him. "Now I'm just going to go back in my truck, and leave these crates in the middle of the parking lot where they can be infiltrated by drugged superheroes trying to bring down the criminal organization that is in the eighteenth hole, thus freeing mankind and a possessed toy!"

Subaru stared at the FedEx crates. Then at the Special Friends. Then at the FedEx crates. Then the Special Friends. Then the FedEx crates again, and the Special Friends. FedEx, Special Friends, abushthatlookedlikeamonkey, Special Friends, FedEx. Subaru brightened. "PLAN!" he announced to his bemused friends. And then, as a very rare moment, he spoke in a coherent full sentence. "I have a plan!"

_Location: Eighteenth Hole…err, Fairy Queen's Waldo Lair_

Kamui had just finished straightening out his pink dress, and polishing his 'Where's Waldo' wand for battle, when a commanding voice bellowed from the center of the castle.

"Ka…FAIRY QUEEN! WALDO BECKONS!" called the strong, yet somewhat familiar voice.

"WALDO!" cried at Kamui, and he rushed to the rotting face of Waldo. "I have made the preparations! My minions have been readied to fight! The Final battle shall begin, and then Tokyo and all its pixies will be ours! What words of wisdom do you have for me, almighty one?"

The voice hesitated. "umm…. Give your mind to Martin. Surrender all to Martin! He is your leader! Your Conqueror! You shall—" suddenly a golf ball flew through the plastic castle. "-SQUEAK-!" The bleary form of a stuffed animal hit a far end wall with a thud.

"Waldo?" whispered Kamui in concern. "Waldo?"

Waldo: ………………………………………………

Kamui paled. "No, no! Don't be angry! I'll crush the Special Friends!" He nodded. "Yes, Waldo. It is time that I finally crushed the Special Friends. Mwahahaha..."

"The…pain…" groaned Martin from a corner.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!"

_Location: Entrance_

The underappreciated employee called Matt sighed heavily as he dragged the last of the FedEx crates into the Golf-a-Rena. "Th-these Golf Balls sure are heavier than I remember!" he puffed to himself. "And I could have sworn that one of 'em sneezed a while ago!" Matt eyed the crates suspiciously. "I wonder…"

Just as Matt realized that the FedEx stickers on the crates had been peeled off, he heard several loud battle cries sound. Behind him, six shadows were beginning to materialize, madly waving golf clubs in the air. "CHARGE!" yelled the foremost of them, and Matt sweat-dropped, realizing that he was as good as dead.

Fuuma led the Special Friends with his mini-golf putter raised high above his head. Spread over each of their foreheads were the stolen labels from the crates with giant letters reading 'FedEx'.

"Oh no!" cried Matt. "FedEx has finally come to take me away!" And he ran away screaming.

Fuuma howled in triumph. "We have successfully broken into L.E.M.O.N.'s fortress!"

"Your brilliant scheme has succeeded!" remarked Kakyou in awe of Subaru.

Seishirou wrapped his arms possessively over Subaru's shoulders. "My Suby-kun's a genius!"

"Genius!" echoed the onmyouji proudly.

Sorata had broken into one of the crates, and was chewing on a blue golf ball. "JAWBREAKER, YUMMY!"

Yuuto hobbled about in what remained of his Saran Wrap restraint. "But now we must navigate through the maze that is Gary's Golf-a-Rena!" he cried melodramatically. "And the Fairy Queen most certainly knows that we're here!"

Fuuma's eyes flared. "None of that matters. I will avenge Mr. Chaos, and get Mr. Huggles back at all costs!"

"Too bad you will not make it past this point, Special Friends!" called a voice.

The Dreamseer gasped. "It's the Fairy Queen!" Standing before them was Kamui in all his pink fury.

"Surrender, fiend!" demanded Fuuma angrily.

"We have you surrounded! There's no you can win!" shouted Seishirou.

"That's where you're wrong," retorted Kamui. "It is you who are surrounded."

It was Subaru who first realized that the dreaded Fairy Queen was not bluffing as his head whipped to the figures concealed in the brush to his side. "Sei-san!" he squeaked, tugging on the Sakurazukamori's arm. "Sei-san!"

Yuuto gulped. "…his horrible…lackeys! Your majesty, please!" pleaded the Water Master.

Kamui's expression darkened. "You, Pink Minion, shall suffer the worst of them all for betraying me! Attack, my slaves!"

And slowly, the Fairy Queen's servants emerged into the light. Sorata looked up from his golf ball. "FISHIES!"

Completely surrounding the Special Friends was a legion of goldfish. But these weren't any ordinary goldfish, oh no. They were super-evil, homicidal goldfish!...with little wings hanging on the sides of their bowls….!(suspense!)

"Now PERISH, Special Friends!" shouted Kamui, who ran for the giant plastic chicken obstacle at the first hole.

"No!" cried Fuuma. "The Fairy Queen's escaping!"

"Go! You can follow the Fairy Queen through the labyrinth!" ordered Yuuto. "We'll take care of them! Hurry before it is too late!" Seishirou and Subaru nodded in agreement, but Sorata was still munching on the golf ball.

"But…" started Fuuma.

"They're right!" agreed Kakyou. "And I'll go with you to get back what's yours!" With some hesitation, Fuuma agreed, and the two started off for the first hole.

Seishirou, Subaru, and Yuuto turned to the army of goldfish. "And now to finish them off!" said Yuuto.

Sorata heedlessly continued to chomp down on the golf ball. However, one of the bloodthirsty little goldfish had become impatient and glared at him.

_Glub._

Sorata screamed in agony, and crashed into the open crate of golf balls, sending them flying everywhere. "BURNS! SORATA BURNING!" he cried, the fish continuing to stare him down. _Glubglub_…_glub…_

Seishirou's hold on his golf club tightened. "Special Friends, ATTACK!"

_Location: First Hole_

"There he is!" Kakyou pointed out the faraway figure of Kamui, who was at fifth hole.

Fuuma sweat-dropped. "He's so far away!" However, when he started toward his nemesis, his way was blocked by the plastic beast that was the first hole's chicken obstacle. "The chicken won't let us through! How will we get past it?"

The golf balls that Sorata spilt rolled toward them. Kakyou glanced at the balls, and then to their clubs. He took in a deep breath. "Then there's only one way…."

"No!" protested Fuuma.

"Yes…" quivered the Dreamseer. "…we must golf!"

Fuuma shuddered, but nevertheless placed a golf ball on the tee. He hardened his eyes at the horrible plastic chicken, and swung his club. But to his surprise, the ball flew past the chicken, and he got a hole in one! "Oh yippee!" he exclaimed.

"Now, go ahead of me! I'll catch up, but we can't let the Fairy Queen escape!" urged Kakyou. He waited until Fuuma had cleared the first hole before proceeding to the tee. However, he grimly realized that he could no longer see Kamui in the distance.

"You're all alone, now, Captain Kakyou!" hissed Kamui's voice from the shadows, making him jump. "It is time for your doom!"

Kakyou swallowed hard. "I'm a Superhero! You can't scare me!"

Kamui chuckled. "But I know your one and only weakness!" And he threw a cereal box at the Dreamseer's feet.

Kakyou went white. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

_Location: Third Hole_

Fuuma looked up in concern after swinging his golf club, as he heard his friend scream in the distance. "Captain Kakyou is in grave danger!" But his eyes wandered back to his shot. "Oh boy! Another hole in one!" And he danced around the golf hole.

_Location: Inside the First Hole's Giant Plastic Chicken_

Kakyou hung over a smoking cauldron, bound by strong ropes. "You won't get away with this!" he screamed, but he could not break free of the ropes.

"That's where you're wrong, Captain Kakyou!" shouted back Kamui. "When the rope holding you gives out, you shall plunge to your certain doom. The horrors in that cauldron will eat you alive!"

Kakyou sweat-dropped. "…You mean…my weakness?" The smoke of the cauldron cleared to reveal that it was filled to the top with—

"COCOA PUFFS! FAREWELL, CAPTAIN KAKYOU!" Laughed Kamui as he exited the chicken.

"HEEEEEEEELP!"

Will Captain Kakyou escape the cauldron alive? Will the Special Friends overcome the homicidal Goldfish? Will the Fairy Queen defeat Fuuma? Will Martin conquer Tokyo? Find out in the next chapter, and the DRAMATIC conclusion of X Madness! (and the DRAMATIC epilogue!) Later!


	20. Legend in Some Distorted Manner

Disclaimer: If I owned X, I would abduct all the bishies and place them in a giant ant farm and throw away the key (right after I lock myself in, of course) and then we would have a tuna party long into the night with…cheese sticks. And what a magical night it would be…

It is finally time...the last chapter of X Madness (sniffle). I never thought it would happen…but I guess we all saw it coming (waaaaah!) well, maybe not all of us… I mean to me the ending sort of snuck up behind me all with a rake in a raccoon costume, waiting to ambush me when my guard was down. Well, I'm not going down with a fight, Mr. Ending! I'll just have to screw things up so badly that CLAMP will fly to the U.S. with a sledgehammer of vengeance! Ha! Ha-ha! So this one'll be a super long chapter! Take that, untimely ending!

And before my heart-wrenching, gut-pounding conclusion, a word to the lovely audience that one day made the very sad mistake of looking for a humor X story to read. Congrats, I can now guarantee that your sanity has been cut off by ten years, and no, there are no recalls to the damage I have done. Yo-yo balls to everyone kind enough to read to this point, and many glomp attacks to those who have reviewed to get me to finish all this insanity, especially those who contributed ideas. In the words of a concerned friend, you really shouldn't be encouraging me….BUT YOU ALL ROCK ANYWAY! And now….the last chapter!

Luv,

Kakyou-luverx

* * *

**Ch.20 Legend…in some distorted manner**

_Location: Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena Entrance_

_Announcer-guy-thing: When we last left our Heroes, the evil Fairy Queen had sent out his goldfish henchmen to annihilate the Special Friends. The goldfish were terrifying beasts, blood-thirsty, and…uh…err...not good! And as they battled on into the night, a raging storm thundered over them, and Gary_'_s suffered a great plague. Bread could not be bought! Fathers could not feed their children! O' heaven above, was there any relief? The humanity! The—(Kakyou-luverx hits cheesy announcer with the corporate axe)-OWWW!_

Ahem, back to Gary's Gargantuan Golf-a-Rena Entrance…

As the icy raindrops showered and deafening thunder clapped over the area, the Special Friends were beginning to lose faith. Subaru and Yuuto huffed in pained exhaustion behind Seishirou, who was maintaining his Saran Wrap barrier.

"They-they're too strong!" panted Yuuto from the ground. "We can't win!"

"Special Friends!" admonished Subaru.

"Suby-kun's right! It's not over yet! We can still fight!" jumped in Seishirou.

"But just look at what they did to the unbeliever!" Yuuto gestured outside the Saran Wrap barrier to a lifeless crater that appeared to be hit with an atomic explosion. The goldfish ominously lined the crater's edge while Sorata lied in the center in a fetal position.

Seishirou stubbornly shook his head. "But as long as my Kekkai holds out, they can't touch us!"

Another bolt of lighting struck, and when the flash had cleared, they found themselves completely surrounded by the goldfish henchmen. Just when they thought things couldn't get any worse, Subaru yelped. "KEKKAI!"

They all sweat-dropped. The Saran Wrap was starting to tear.

"This is it!" whimpered Yuuto. The merciless rain tore deeper into the Saran Wrap barrier, and they all winced, bracing themselves for the goldfish attack.

But just then, as lightning flashed once more, the goldfish bowls had been knocked over. Flying as swiftly as the rain, their saviors rushed in to aid the Special Friends. The three stared, dumbfounded of what exactly had rescued them, until Subaru spoke up.

"DONUTS!"

Sure enough, an army of donuts had flown in to combat the goldfish, led by a single war cry, uttered by another Special Friend. "WARRIOR PRINCESSES ATTACK!"

_Location: Inside the First Hole_

The sheets of rain drummed against the giant plastic chicken as Kakyou struggled against the ropes that imprisoned him. However, the more the Dreamseer fought, the more the single rope that held him over the cauldron began to weaken. The rope above him creaked, and his heart raced. Kakyou snuck another look at the terrible substance below that waited to consume him.

"No! Not Cocoa Puffs!" he screamed to himself. "The one weakness of Captain Kakyou, the very seed of the bird that bit me! Anything but Cocoa Puffs!"

The rope creaked once more.

"HEEELP!" he cried. But his scream only echoed along the chicken's walls. He had only a few more seconds until the rope would snap and he would plunge into a chocolatey-crunchy hell. "I'm too young to die!"

Suddenly the door to the inside of the chicken obstacle swung open, and Kakyou quieted. The doorway was completely absent of any presence, but the Dreamseer's eyes filled with tears. "You…you came back for me!"

The doorway remained silent, but Kakyou was sobbing with happiness. "OTIS! You've come to save me!"

_Location: …The Eighteenth Hole (bum, bum, bummm…)_

Fuuma took a deep breath as he set down his golf club. "At last…the final battle! It is time…for Mr. Chaos, for Pedro, and for Mr. Huggles I shall defeat the Fairy Queen!" His grasp tightened over the Tinkerbelle Wand, and he approached the doorway that separated him and Kamui. He gathered all his resolve, and turned the brass handle of the castle maintenance door.

When Fuuma entered the castle, he was greeted by darkness. "But there can only be one future, and one Fairy Queen!" hissed Kamui from the gloom. "You know how this will end!"

Fuuma's fists tightened. "Mr. Chaos, 'the future has yet to be decided', right?"

At the other end of the castle, Kamui drew his 'Where's Waldo?' wand, and posed melodramatically. "I call upon the dark powers of Waldo!" The wand glowed dimly, and Fuuma's eyes widened.

"He's calling upon the Satanic Waldo god!" he cried in dismay.

Kamui held the glimmering wand tightly with both hands. "It's time to decide the future! I am the true Fairy Queen! HYAAA!" A wave of energy shot out from the wand.

"Holy shit!" shouted Fuuma, and he ducked down just before the wave could make contact. The castle wall behind him shattered, and the freezing rain beat down upon the remaining object. Fuuma gasped. "A sock puppet!" The wand had transformed the castle wall into a sock puppet.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Sock puppets! And you're next!" he laughed viciously.

"That's what you think!" Fuuma swung down the Tinkerbelle Wand in Kamui's direction, but to his surprise, it did nothing. Fuuma frantically waved the wand again. Nothing. "Wha-what's wrong! I used the Zingers! Why won't my Zingers work against L.E.M.O.N.?"

Kamui chuckled maliciously. "And now it is time for you to meet your end!" He brought down the Waldo wand once more in a flash.

Fuuma sweat-dropped and dodged the attack, and another sock puppet appeared at his side in place of a wall. "No! No sock puppet!" he wailed.

"You can't avoid my attacks forever!" growled Kamui.

However, when the Fairy Queen had attacked again, luck was on Fuuma's side. For as he jumped away from the latest magical wave, he slipped on two rotting eggs below his feet, making him trip on octopus ink and the dead otters.

"No! WALDO!" screamed Kamui. "What have you done?" The Waldo face had been ruined. "MY POWER IS FADING! NOOOO!" Kamui dropped to his knees, but glared at Fuuma murderously. "You may have destroyed Waldo, but I still have enough power to kill you! You can't defeat me! I am the Imperial Fairy Queen! And you are just one person!"

"You're wrong!" shouted a voice. Kakyou entered the castle.

"Captain Kakyou!" exclaimed Fuuma with relief.

"You!" gasped Kamui. "But how?"

Kakyou patted the invisible golden hippo at his side. "Otis rescued me! So you'll have to fight three now!"

"Make that seven!" called another voice. Seishirou stood on the other side of the ruined walls along with Subaru, Yuuto, and a groaning Sorata.

"Eight!" corrected a third voice. Arashi crossed her arms triumphantly, with the donut army behind her.

Fuuma was on the brink of tears. "Special Friends…" His gaze hardened at Kamui. "Now you'll have to defeat us all!"

Kamui was seething. "FOOLS! Even though I've lost Waldo's power, I still have the wand! I'll destroy you all! Starting with _you_!" he pointed at Fuuma. "Do you have any idea of what kind of power I have? I AM THE FAIRY QUEEN!" He raised the 'Where's Waldo?' wand high in the air, and let out a maddened shriek. But when he was about to release another wave of energy, his wand flew out of his hands. "WHAT?" yelled Kamui.

Charlie the Chalupa towered over Kamui, the wand in his hands. His eyes were possessed.

_Magic Taco: It is you who will be destroyed, Fairy Queen!_

"MY MAGICAL RELIC! GIVE ME BACK MY MAGICAL RELIC!" howled Kamui as he leapt at Charlie for the Waldo Wand. But Charlie was far taller than Kamui, and so he ended up only jumping up and down for it in vain.

_Magic Taco: You want it? Work for it! Come on, jump!_

"WHY?" whimpered Kamui.

Kakyou tapped Fuuma's shoulder. "It is time."

Fuuma nodded, and smiled warmly. "Special Friends…you have all helped me to this point. Now it is time to avenge Mr. Chaos and get Mr. Huggles back! It is time to fulfill my wish."

"I'm not through yet!" Kamui was trembling in fury. "I can still destroy you with my Pink wrath! Just as I murdered that worthless marker!" He raised a hand threateningly.

"Mr. Chaos! This is for you!" Fuuma angrily pointed the Tinkerbelle Wand at Kamui, but, still, nothing would happen. "It's still not working!" despaired Fuuma.

Kakyou studied the wand curiously and suddenly brightened. "I know!" he exclaimed, and he clicked a small switch on the wand to 'on'.

Fuuma grinned at the Dreamseer. "Captain Kakyou! You turned my Magic Relic on!"

Kakyou shrugged. "What are Special Friends for?"

(A/N: wahahahahahaha…the innuendoing!)

However, Kamui was not going to wait another moment. "I won't lose!" And a wave of energy flew from his hand.

"GYAGGHH!" Fuuma shrieked his battle cry, and flung the Tinkerbelle Wand in his Twin Star's direction. The two magics collided, and the foundation of what was left of the castle quaked. A moment later, a blinding flash devoured the battlefield, and a strong gust blew the Fairy Queen and the Special Friends to the ground. Then all that remained of the plastic castle were charred ruins.

The rain slowed to a drizzle over the fight. "Unnh…" moaned Kamui. He lay flat on his back, his magical arsenal completely exhausted by his final attack. He slowly rose from the ground, but when his eyes glanced over his body, he dropped to his knees screaming. "NO! NOT MY PINK WRATH!" Squirted across his pink dress was a giant ink stain…an _ink _stain?

Fuuma gasped once he had pulled himself to his feet to witness the miracle before him. Hovering over the defeated Fairy Queen was the glimmering form of a permanent marker. "Mr.….Mr. Chaos?"

He felt hot tears trickling down his face as he gaped at the deceased marker. Mr. Chaos stared back at Fuuma, sparkling in ghostly radiance, and then slowly faded away from sight, leaving Kamui wailing in ink-stained misery. Fuuma lowered his head forlornly, and the other Special Friends kept silent. But when he glanced back up, a serene smile was spread across his lips. "I…I understand it now. Mr. Chaos will never die, because he will always live on in my heart. That was why I could see him one last time…!"

"Just as the Wise Magic Taco said," whispered Yuuto solemnly.

"And Pedro will live on too, and, and Mr. Huggles…all of them are kept alive inside of me!" continued Fuuma.

"It's finally over!" exclaimed Seishirou in relief as he pulled Subaru closer to him.

"No…my Pink Wrath…Waldo…the Pixie Kingdom…all lost..!" groaned Kamui weakly.

"Then we won?" asked Kakyou.

Fuuma kept his smile. "I think—"

"ARRRGH!" screamed a voice from above. "—SQUEAK!—"

"It couldn't be?" cried Arashi.

Fuuma was nearly floored with excitement. "Mr. Huggles!" The evil squeaky toy glowered down at them from the bough of a nearby tree, completely covered by bandages.

Martin was fuming. "You—YOU…!"

Fuuma's arms were outstretched. "Mr. Huggles! You've returned! Come down!"

Martin exploded. "IDIOTS! EVERY ONE OF YOU IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER—SQUEAK—MORON! INTOLERABLE BUFFOONS, EVERY LAST ONE! AND YOU INCOMPETENT LOLLI-POP-HEADED, HALLUCINOGENIC CRETINS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FATE OF THE WORLD? BLASPHEMY! HEAR ME NOW! I, MARTIN, WILL NOT REST UNTIL I SEND ALL OF YOU SPIRALING INTO A HELL OF TORTUROUS NIGHTMARES, A UNIVERSE FILLED WITH TORMENT BEYOND YOUR WORST FEARS WHERE YOU WILL TOIL IN YOUR OWN WRETCHED STUPIDITY FOR ALL TIME!"

Everyone: …

"I WILL EAT YOUR HEARTS SLOWLY; DIP YOU OVER BATTERY ACID INFECTED BY SHARKS, AND DANCE OVER YOUR SKULLS AS I TAKE OVER THIS CITY! HEAR MY NAME! I AM MARTIN, DESTROYER OF—" Before Martin could finish his rant, a gray blur rushed up the tree, and snatched the stuffed animal away. At the base stood Inuki, whose pearly fangs chomped down on Martin's body.

_Inuki: Damn dimwitted idiotic twits. As always it's up to me to save the day…_

The Special Friends continued to remain in a stunned silence before Fuuma cheered. "That's it, Mr. Huggles! Let the dog of mystery cleanse your spirit! Be free!"

"AAAAAA-SQUEAK-!"

"It's over. At last!" announced Yuuto wearily.

Arashi danced amidst her donut followers. "Another victory for the Special Friends!"

"Special Friends! Special Friends!" chanted Subaru.

"WE WIN!" celebrated Seishirou alongside the onmyouji.

_Magic Taco: The path to meaty enlightenment has been attained!_

"SORATA HUNGRY!"

Kakyou was jumping up and down with his imaginary hippo. "We did it, Otis! We did it all together!"

Fuuma threw his hand to the sky. "SPECIAL FRIENDS, UNITE!"

_-------------Two Hours Later--------------_

The moon had already begun its descent toward the horizon, night coming to its close. The fierce storm that had once encompassed all of the Golf-a-Rena had passed, leaving the grasses of the golf course damp and cold. But it made little difference to the Seals and Angels, who had at last collapsed in exhaustion from the madness of the day before. Inuki had fled the scene with Martin tight in his mouth, and Charlie the Chalupa had returned to Taco Bell, but it made little difference to our drugged heroes. They were finally free of the Happy Dart's hold, and they continued to dream, oblivious to all that had happened.

Kamui slept curled up in a ball, his hands clutching his pink dress in the middle of the castle ruins. Nearby, the rest of the Special Friends could be found. Kakyou rested against the trunk of the tree, his expression losing its animation to a pale color, but he nevertheless seemed peaceful in his rest. Next to him was Arashi, who slept in the protection of her donut companions. Sorata snored not far off, twitching violently in his dreams. Yuuto's body was strewn over a neatly clipped shrubbery, the Water Master mumbling something about Tacos. Seishirou lied stretched over the grasses, his arms wrapped possessively around Subaru, as the young onmyouji embraced the Sakurazukamori back with a happy smile on his face. Finally, Fuuma slept in the very center of the group, in the protection of his very Special Friends.

So peaceful. So quiet…

_WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO! _Suddenly, dozens, maybe hundreds, of shrill police sirens sounded, and in a second, the sleeping dragons were completely surrounded by the entire Tokyo police force. And they slept on.

Satsuki, Yuzuriha and Karen had been captured only hours before, and they were also incarcerated along with their comrades. Needless to say, when they all woke up in their dark jail cells, things got pretty interesting what with the dyed hair and traumatizing cross-dressing. But that's a story for a different time.

The Angels all broke out of their cells the very moment they came to (except for Kakyou who was dragged out by a very angry Fuuma with a hangover), and the Seals reluctantly chose to remain peaceful despite the situation…well, that's not entirely true. When Subaru had woken up in Seishirou's arms wearing a Catholic Schoolgirl uniform, the other in a bunny costume, you can only imagine what terrible conclusions the Sumeragi had jumped to, and the cell wall had been obliterated in three seconds flat. But as for the rest of them, they were eventually bailed out by Mr. Aoki (who had a suspiciously wicked glint in his eye) because that was what nice fathers do…don't they?

EPILOGUE! (A/N: WOOO! EXTRA LONG CHAPTER!)

_--------One week, several bottles of normal hair dye, and a lot of therapy later-------_

_Location: Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

Fuuma sat in the throne room rubbing his hands in a malicious, calculating manner trying to appear forbidding and evil. "Evil-evil-evil-evil-evil!" he chanted to himself with such concentration that he didn't notice that Yuuto had stepped into the chamber.

Yuuto raised an eyebrow. "Are your hands cold, 'Kamui'?"

Fuuma shot daggers at the Water Master for breaking his concentration. "I'm trying to channel my inner soul of evil…"

"Oh," remarked Yuuto blankly. Fuuma continued, and after shifting about in boredom for a few seconds, Yuuto pulled out a Taco from his trench coat and chomped down.

Fuuma was beyond irritated. "Where did you get that taco?"

"This?" Yuuto pointed at the half-eaten Taco. "I quit my job for a simpler life down at Taco Bell. The new manager really likes me too, says I'm on the meaty path to enlightenment and volcano sauce or something like that…"

"You got a JOB at TACO BELL?" hissed Fuuma incredulously.

Yuuto nodded, ignoring the other's bad mood. "I was getting bored since Kanoe exploded into a gory splash of charred flesh, and Satsuki cut that deal with the TV execs," Fuuma leaned in closer for more information. "Yeah, Fox offered her a Saturday morning cartoon featuring Beast's newfound Transform-O power. So that left me all lonely, especially since Kakyou won't talk to anyone, even though we all know he can wake up whenever he wants now…"

Fuuma gnarred his teeth. "Don't mention that worthless Dreamseer's name!"

"I guess you still haven't forgiven him for infecting us all and causing the near destruction of our noble cause and your egotistical obsession with being evil," remarked Yuuto, shaking his head.

"Yeah, and the big meanie-head won't help me cheat in my next poker game with Seishirou to complete my next brilliant plan!"

Yuuto face-faulted, remembering Mr. Chaos. "I won't ask."

"I swear I'll kill him."

"But doesn't he _want_ to die?"

"……damn. Well I'll just do nothing to him. Nothing at all! That'll teach him a lesson! Bwahahaha!"

Yuuto managed to look even more uncomfortable. "Whatever. But speaking of that crazy little fiasco, whatever happened to that evil conqueror, what's his face, Martin? That started all of this?"

"Several days ago I tracked down that spirit-dog-mutt and the possessed body, and with the Sumeragi's aid, we exorcised the spirit into a mayo jar. Then I sent the jar overseas to somewhere called Tennessee. Don't know where I heard of that place before…" explained Fuuma hastily.

"The Sumeragi?"

"Don't get me wrong. We're still all bitter enemies, but we happened to have a common problem."

"And where was the Sakurazukamori in all of this?" queried Yuuto.

"No idea," he replied indifferently. "Haven't seen him since prison. Although I have read about some interesting government deaths this week involving the smell of sakura, and oddly enough, Saran Wrap."

Yuuto paused, but was quick to continue his line of questioning once a new thought popped into his mind. "Hey…what happened to Martin's host body? The stuffed animal- squeaky-toy-thing?"

Fuuma threw his hands up in the air. "What is this? Twenty questions? Sod off, and leave me to my plotting!"

"Geez! Touch-y!" replied Yuuto as he left the room.

After the room went quiet, Fuuma peered around the corner to make sure that he was alone before he lifted up the cushion of his throne. Underneath the pillow sat the already-mentioned squeaky toy, as deformed and lovely as it had always been. Fuuma cuddled the plush animal. "Oh, Mr. Huggles! I'll love you forever, and never lose you again! Never ever!"

_Location: Imonoyama Mansion_

Subaru groaned and mumbled something unintelligible as he rolled out of bed with yet another horrible headache. Ever since that terrible, terrible morning that he wanted to forget , he continued to have a monstrous hangover from the Happy Dart Disease, the vast amounts of Sugar, the Crazy-b-Gone pills, and to top it all off, the strain from his latest exorcism. With a heavy sigh, he pushed his bedroom door open and started toward the bathroom for some more ibuprofen when the sound of hysterical laughter entered his ears.

After blinking curiously a couple of times in an attempt to regain his energy, he realized that it was coming from the downstairs living room. He hesitantly started down the stairway, knowing the moment he took the first step that he was making a mistake. He was right.

Sorata was on the floor rolling in fits of laughter along with Mr. Aoki while Kamui and Arashi looked positively sick. Yuzuriha also chuckled as she gobbled down the last of her ice cream. It was then that all the color drained from Subaru's face as he realized that the TV was on, and it wasn't just any movie that was playing.

Kamui was on the screen twirling around in his pink dress. "COME PINK MINION! WE MUST FIND WALDO AND…FREEZIES! YAY FREEZIES!"

Yep. Aoki had taped the whole thing.

"Ka-Kamui!" exclaimed Sorata between giggles. "I TOLD YA YOU WOULD BE PRETTY…IN PINK!"

"Aww, Kamui! You're so cute!" chortled Yuzuriha.

Kamui looked as if he were either going to decapitate the closest thing to him or pass out. He managed to find a happy median, and suddenly found the blank wall in front of him the most interesting thing in the world.

The next flash was of Arashi in her "warrior princess" garb. Sorata was laughing so hard that he couldn't get the words out. If only she could drop dead on the spot right then…

Subaru was smart enough to know that he had to get the hell out that room as soon as possible, but as fate would have it, Yuzuriha had caught him leaving. "No, Subaru! You can't leave!" whined the girl. The onmyouji felt all eyes settle on his back, which was even more reason to flee, however, he couldn't take another step as Sorata's arms yanked his shoulder back into the room.

"Now, now," admonished Aoki mockingly. "We can't exclude Subaru from the party, now can we?"

"Besides…won't you miss your Sei-san?" howled Sorata.

Subaru felt a blush creep to his face, and did his best to force it back down. "Wha-What are you talking about?" he stammered indignantly.

On cue, the screen switched to a drugged Subaru who was glomping Seishirou. "Sei-san, Sei-san, Sei-san, Sei-san!" his past self screamed as he was half-climbing over his opposite.

"Look! Look!" screamed Yuzuriha. "Subaru's blushing!"

"I-I am not!" stuttered the onmyouji, whose face was a deep shade of tomato.

Sorata roughly pulled Subaru to his side. "Oh, do you miss your Sei-san already, Suby-kun?"

Subaru glanced helplessly at the television that had just flashed to Sorata's escapades. "Well… at least I'm not…!" He trailed off his comeback the moment Kamui shook his head, realizing it was no good defending himself. He forgot; Sorata had no shame.

"If I learned anything from all of this," began Arashi in an attempt to rescue the other Seal. "It's that we should never stand in front of Princess Hinoto when she sneezes."

Yuzuriha looked up from her ice cream in confusion. "Sneeze? I wasn't hit by her sneeze!"

Everything went silent, and Arashi blinked. "…you weren't?"

"Nope! I dodged at the last moment 'cause germs are bad!"

More silence. "…you mean you were NEVER infected?" Arashi seemed like she were about to explode the moment the girl shook her head.

Aoki was already on the phone. "Hello, Tokyo Insane Asylum? I'm calling to commit someone…"

For the first time since Subaru had entered the room, Kamui spoke, although the tone in his voice was clearly regretting it. "…Where's Sorata?" The Kansai monk had disappeared from the room.

"Oooh, Kamui! Look what I have!" called Sorata from the entrance. The poor boy paled once he had recognized the object in the other's hand. It was the 'Where's Waldo?' Wand.

Before Kamui had a chance to run away, Sorata had pounced on him and placed the wand in his palm. "Come on, Fairy Queen! Do a trick for us!" However, he was blatantly unaware of the fire beginning in Kamui's eyes.

Arashi sweat-dropped. "Maybe you should quit teasing him…"

"Only if you wear that bra for me one last time, Miss!" Sorata was too lost in his hysterical laughter to have any sense of the danger he was in.

Kamui's expression transformed into a look of pure rage. "You really should stop…" warned Subaru.

"WAHAHAHA! COME ON KAMUI, USE THE WAND!" But before Sorata could start another attack of laughter something unexpected happened. The Waldo Wand began to glow, and a magical wave shot at him. Kamui really _did_ use the wand.

Aoki paled. "Sor-Sorata?" But all that remained of the Seal was a happy sock puppet.

Kamui smiled to himself, and pocketed the wand. "I'll be keeping this…"

Subaru and Arashi gaped at Kamui, then at the sock puppet, then at each other. Arashi broke the silence. "…………..Hey, is that Shrek Strawberry Ice Cream in the freezer?" The onmyouji shrugged, and silently followed her to the refrigerator.

And that's how it went down with the Seals. Kamui would always keep the 'Where's Waldo' wand by his side. Sorata started a popular kiddy-sock puppet theater at the library, and Arashi quit her job at Petco to devote all her time to ridding her room of donuts. Karen became a full-time homicidal pyromaniac on weekends, and Princess Hinoto's hair fell out from all the Martha Stewart Hair Dye. Yuzuriha would spend the rest of her days in a mental hospital, bound in a tight jacket screaming something about Yan Yan. And Subaru would continue to stay on medication till the day he died, spending sleepless nights haunted by that one morning he woke up with Seishirou and fighting some new cravings for cotton candy and ice cream. And they all lived insanely ever after…

_Location?_

Kakyou treaded along the seashore, his golden eyes gazing into the deep sapphire waters stretching in the distance. Of course he could remember every insane act he had performed in that one day the Happy Dart had forced him outside of the dream (he had a feeling that his sleeping body still wore the silk boxers). And of course he couldn't recall such memories without feeling sick with shame, which was why he hadn't bothered to face his comrades awake quite yet. However, each time Kakyou dared to remember, with the disgrace and embarrassment there also came a feeling of serenity.

For as ashamed as he was of the whole incident, it was his only memory that didn't strike unbearable sadness into his soul. And even if it wasn't Kakyou, but the effect of a dangerous drug, he could remember something that he hadn't experienced for years…he had been _happy_. It was such a strange idea, but it gave him hope for just the smallest moment for an optimistic future that he never expected.

As each foaming wave rolled along the sand, a refreshing gust tousled his light hair. The air was soft and warm across his skin, and stirred a feeling of peace into his heart. Yet an odd craving kept tugging at the corners of his mind. With a weak sigh he gave into that pestering desire, and a small object started to emerge into the dreamscape. He glanced back out into the sea, and he could almost hear the soft waves folding onto the beach, and the melodious gull cries.

The bowl had finished materializing into the Dreamseer's hands, but before he placed it to his lips he could have almost sworn that his rippled reflection was on the verge of grinning back at him. "The future…is yet to be decided," he whispered quietly. And he downed the bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

A/N: Yay! Happy ending for Kyou-kun! Wee! But wait! It's not over yet (wicked grin)!

_Location: Dragons of Earth Headquarters_

"Who loves you? Who loves you?" cooed Fuuma to the squeaky toy. "I do! I love you Mr. Huggles! Oh yes I do!" As Fuuma was kissing Mr. Huggles obnoxiously, a clump of white hair rose from the back of the throne, followed by two crazed eyes.

Nataku glomped Fuuma from behind. "DADDY! Daddy-Daddy-Daddy-Daddy-Daddy! I'm back now, from Tennessee-wee! I became a super karaoke pop star-wee! But then they called me something called a Transgender-homo, and ran me out in a idiotic mob-wee!"

Fuuma yawned. "Yeah, that's peachy, Nataku…" Nataku began bouncing up and down around the throne yelling 'Kazuki'. But in a horrible moment for Fuuma, something had just clicked. "Wait…where did you say you went…?"

"Tennessee, Tennessee, Tennessee-wee!" sung a maddened Nataku. "But I think I caughta-cold or somethin' from a Mayo jar that shot a dart at me…" Its nose twitched. "Aaaaa….aaaa…"

Fuuma's eyes went large. "Oh, butternuts…"

**--End--(really)**

And thus ends the X Madness series...(cries)…all over now, gone bye-bye is my insane little fic. What a sad day indeed. Hope y'all enjoyed my swift descent into madness, and I hope even more that I took a few of you down with me kicking and screaming…mission accomplished. And next time when all of you feel the need to lose your mind permanently, kindly remember the vortex to all that is bizarre and senseless…X Madness forever!

Insanely yours,

Kakyou-luverx


End file.
